Joke - Blind Cowboy...

Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think
it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday."
- Rodney Dangerfield
~
"Once you can accept the universe as matter
expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein
~
"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
~
"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two..."
- Sir Norman Wisdom
~
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking,
but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely
beautiful when her lips are closed."
- Author Unknown
~
"I want a man who's kind and understanding.
Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
~
"Summer is the season when a man thinks
he can cook better on an outdoor grill than
his wife can on an indoor stove."
- Author Unknown
~
"The depressing thing about tennis is
that no matter how good I get,
I'll never be as good as a wall."
- Mitch Hedberg
~
"There are three kinds of people -
those who can count and those who can't."
- Author Unknown
~
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh man... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

Overcoming Depression Quotes and a Verse...

Overcoming Depression Quotes and a Verse

"Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted."
- Matthew 5:4
<><
"Take the first step, no more, no less,
and the next will be revealed."
- Ken Roberts
~
"If all human lives depended upon their usefulness -
as might be judged by certain standards - there would
be a sudden and terrific mortality in the world."
- Gene Tunney
~
"In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair,
there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually:
remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the
wind - in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly
loved. No man is so poor as not to have many of these small
candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away - and
a touch of wonder remains."
- "These Small Candles"... tombstone inscription in Britain
~
"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling
with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain.
But you have already borne the pain. What you have
not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
- Kahlil Gibran
~
"Depression loses its power when fresh
vision pierces the darkness."
- Peter Sinclair
~
"Although the world is full of suffering, it is
also full of the overcoming of it."
- Helen Keller
~
"One ceases to recognize the significance
of mountain peaks if they are not viewed
occasionally from the deepest valleys."
- Dr. Al Lorin
~
"You desire to know the art of living, my friend?
It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering."
- Henri Amie
~
"If you call your troubles experiences, and remember that
every experience develops some latent force within you,
you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse
your circumstances may seem to be."
- John Heywood
~
"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all
I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
- Agatha Christie
~
"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
- George Eliott

- Dedicated to beautiful Jessica who left this world too early.

This number is posted on my sidebar and will remain there....

Funny Headlines from Newspapers...

Funny Headlines from Newspapers

Joke - The Church Horse

The Church Horse

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the
church for a test ride.

"Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds
to church talk. Go is praise the Lord and stop is Amen."

The man climbs on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot.
The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly
there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!!!"

The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord."

Joke - Sherlock Goes Camping...

Sherlock Goes Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the
night, Holmes asked, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson answered, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes then asked, "And what does that tell you?"

Watson replied, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes answered, "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent!"

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes...

Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful,
to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some
difference that you have lived and lived well.”
~
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what
you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it well and serenely... ”
~
“Once you make a decision, the universe
conspires to make it happen.”
~
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make
you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
~
“What you are comes to you.”
~
“Unless you try to do something beyond what you
have already mastered, you will never grow.”
~
“To be great is to be misunderstood.”
~
“We must be our own before we can be another's.”
~
“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of
the world is also a confession of character.”
~
“We are always getting ready to live, but never living.”
~
"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience."
~
“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything beautiful,
for beauty is God's handwriting.”
~
“If the stars should appear but one night every thousand
years how man would marvel and stare.”
~
“Every wall is a door.”
~
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent
people and the affection of children... to leave the world a better
place... to know even one life has breathed easier because
you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
~
"Little minds have little worries, big minds
have no time for worries.”
~
“As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey.”
~
“The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best
tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.”
~
"A friend may well be reckoned the
masterpiece of nature."
~
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you
can afford to be stupid with them.”
~
“Thou art to me a delicious torment.”
~
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Joke - Air Force Recruiter

Air Force Recruiter

A U. S. Air Force base was opened for recruitment for all eligible men and
women. The Chief of Staff with his aides were on hand to do the interviews.
Two twin brothers, who looked as if they had just stepped off a Marine
Corps recruiting poster, came in for interviews.

The Chief of Staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at
the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the
Air Force?"

The young man looked at him and said, “I’m a pilot!”

The General got all excited, turned to an aide, and said, “Get him in
today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!” The aide hustled the
young man off.

The General looked at the second young man and asked, “What
skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man said, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the General replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in
the Air Force. What do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffed the General, “you are not listening to me.
We don’t need wood choppers. This is the 21st century!”

“Well,” the young man said, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” said the General. “He’s a pilot!”

The young man rolled his eyes and said,
“But I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

Three Short Jokes...

The Golfer

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game.
"What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped
dead on the tenth tee."

"Oh , that's awful!" she says.

"You're not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine,
it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit ball, drag Harry... "

* * * * * * * * * *

The Hikers

It's really humid in the woods, so the two hiking buddies remove
their shirts and shoes. But when they spot a sign saying
"Beware of Bears", one of them stops to put his shoes back on.

"What's the point?" the other says. "You can't outrun a bear."

"Actually," says his friend, "all I have to do is outrun you."

* * * * * * * * * *

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Joke - The Haircut...

The Haircut

One Monday, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased
and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later on Tuesday, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later on Wednesday, a college professor came in for a haircut, and when
he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor was very
happy and left the shop.

The next morning there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen different
books, such as 'How To Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More
Successful'.

Then on Thursday, a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he
went to pay the bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Joke - Frank Feldman...

Frank Feldman

A guy walks out to the street and hails a taxi going by. He enters the
cab and has the following conversation with the cabbie:

Cabbie: "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis
Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a
Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more - He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like
me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really
knew how to treat a woman to make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up
to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his widow."

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

"It's better to beautiful than to be good, but it is
better to be good than to be ugly."
- Oscar Wilde
~
"I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time,
but you're twenty minutes."
-Oscar Wilde
~
"I speak two languages, Body and English."
- Mae West
~
"When choosing between two evils, I always like
to try the one I've never tried before."
- Mae West
~
"There's no half-singing in the shower. You're
either a rock star or an opera diva."
- Josh Groban
~
"I know that you believe you understand what
you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant."
- Robert McCloskey
~
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize
them, you are a mile away from them and
you have their shoes."
- Jack Handey
~
"if we're not supposed to eat animals,
how come they're made out of meat?"
- Tom Snyder
~
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.
The glass is always half empty. And cracked.
And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
- Janeane Garofalo
~
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my
Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me
is another matter."
- Winston Churchill
~
"A line is a dot that went for a walk."
- Paul Klee

A neat, positive video...

This video astounds me. Click on link below to view.

Positive and Negative Energy Effects on Water Crystals

Imagine what our thoughts and words do to our own body which
is comprised mostly of water. Have a positive and joyful day! Val =)

Joke - The Deaf Wife

The Deaf Wife

A man is talking to his family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf,"
he replies.

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test
her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.
If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating
this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of
hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's
for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until
he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having
MEATLOAF!"

Spring Quotes...

Spring Quotes and a Verse

"See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the seasons of singing has come,
the cooing of doves is heard in our land."
- Song of Solomon 2:11-12
<><
"The day The Lord created hope was probably
the same day he created Spring."
- Bern Williams
~
"Spring has returned. The Earth is like
a child that knows poems."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
~
"If you've never been thrilled to the very
edges of your soul by a flower in Spring bloom,
maybe your soul has never been in bloom."
- Audra Foveo
~
"In the Spring, I have counted 136 different
kinds of weather inside of 24 hours."
- Mark Twain
~
"It's Spring fever. That's what the name of it is.
And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't
quite know what it is you do want, but it just
fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!"
- Mark Twain
~
"In Springtime, love is carried on the breeze. Watch out
for flying passion or kisses whizzing by your head."
- Emma Racine deFleur
~
"Spring is when you feel like whistling
even with a shoe full of slush."
- Doug Larson
~
"An optimist is the human personification of Spring."
- Susan J. Bissonette
~
"A little Madness in the Spring Is wholesome
even for the King."
- Emily Dickinson
~
"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'"
- Robin Williams
~
"Every Spring is the only Spring -
a perpetual astonishment."
- Ellis Peters

Joke - Bye-Bye Lexus

Bye-Bye Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came
along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately
grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there
in three minutes. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the
day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job
the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head
in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

Quotes On How To Treat Others...

Quotes On How To Treat Others


"Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything
to them, and nothing to you."
- Frank Barron
~
"The greatest motivational act one person
can do for another is to listen."
- Roy Moody
~
"You cannot raise a man up by calling him down."
- William Boetcker
~
"To handle yourself, use your head;
to handle others, use your heart."
- Donald Laird
~
"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness;
to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart;
to your child, a good example; to a father, deference;
to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you;
to yourself, respect; to all men, charity."
- Benjamin Franklin
~
"People prefer to follow those who help them,
not those who intimidate them."
- C. Gene Wilkes
~
"You can easily judge the character
of others by how they treat those who can
do nothing for them or to them."
- Malcolm Forbes
~
"Treat people as if they were what they
ought to be, and you help them to become
what they are capable of being."
- Goethe
~
"If you would lift me up you must be on higher ground."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny - Burma Shave signs...

Burma Shave Signs

I received this from a friend in an email. I personally never saw these
signs, but think they are very funny. They were posted in the 1930's
and 40's on old, two-lane roads all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small, red signs with white letters. They were five
signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing one line of a four line
couplet... and the obligatory fifth sign advertising Burma Shave, a
popular shaving cream. Here are some of them...

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Do you remember any of these?

A fun little game...

This is a quick and fun game. I find it very addictive.
You need a steady hand. Click link below to play.
The best score I've gotten is 19+ seconds. Have fun!!

Escapa

How well did you score?

A Funny - The Botched Classified Ad

The Botched Classified Ad

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days
in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

Monday:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should
have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

Wednesday:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified
ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - R. D. Jones
has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.
and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

Thursday:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally
broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.
I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was
my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

Three Irish Jokes...

The Irishman and the Three Beers

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks
into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender
raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he
drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders
three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man
again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about The Man Who
Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on
behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here
are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
and one went to America, and the other to Australia... We
promised each other that we would always order an extra two
beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer,
and soon The Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity
and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-
towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for
the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word
flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the
brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here,
me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of
your brother. You know - the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You'll be happy
to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

**********

A Night at the Pub

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a
bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland
too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course!" replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks,
"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from
Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks,
"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man,
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to
Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits
down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he
asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

**********

Death at the Brewery

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya'."

"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery"

"Oh no!' cries Brenda, "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a
vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my! But you must tell me true, Tim,
did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got
out three times to pee."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! Val =)

Four Short Irish Jokes...

Four Short Irish Jokes

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the
jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin'," said the Irishman, "me wife just sent
me out for a jar of olives!"

* * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around
the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An
airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?" asked the employee.

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

* * * * * * * * * *

Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat
following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across
an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came
forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted
out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever
sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only
the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as
the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked
disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke, "Nice going
Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the
beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.

Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy,
“Jez, that look like Sean.”... to which Paddy replied:

“No Sean was taller than that.”

Fun and Funny Quotes for St. Patrick's Day...

Fun and Funny Quotes for St. Patrick's Day

"In Ireland the inevitable never happens and
the unexpected constantly occurs."
- Sir John Pentland Mahaffy
~
"That's the Irish all over - they treat a joke as a
serious thing and a serious thing as a joke."
- Sean O'Casey
~
"In order to find his equal, an Irishman
is forced to talk to God."
- Stephen Braveheart
~
"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis
is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
~
"If a man who cannot count finds
a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?"
- Stanislaw J. Lec
~
"If you're enough lucky to be Irish,
you're lucky enough!"
- An Irish Saying
~
"May the Good Lord take a liking
to you... but not too soon!"
- An Irish Blessing
~
"An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto
one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth."
- An Irish Saying
~
"When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter
and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland."
- J. P. Dunleavy
~
"May you live to be a hundred years,
with one extra year to repent."
- An Irish Blessing
~
"Saint Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here's a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees
Lest we lose ourselves and then...
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see them snakes again!"
- Author Unknown

Birthday Quotes and a Verse...

Birthday Quotes and a Verse

"Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book before one of them came to be."
- Psalm 139:16
~
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln
~
"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your
life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
- A Cherokee Expression
~
"It takes a long time to grow young."
- Pablo Picasso
~
"Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the
gift of 'you' to the world."
- Pablo Picasso
~
"One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship
with other human beings as we take our place among them."
- Virginia Woolf
~
"No wise man ever wished to be younger."
- Jonathan Swift
~
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age."
- Lucille Ball
~
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself."
- Ethel Barrymore
~
"There is still no cure for the common birthday."
- John Glenn
~
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am."
- Bernard Baruch
~
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
- Mark Twain
~
"After all, tomorrow is another day."
- Margaret Mitchell

dedicated to my two gals, Chels and Krissy, who just had a birthday.
I love you two, and am so, so glad you were born!!

You Might Be A Leprechaun If...

You Might Be A Leprechaun If...

* You snicker uncontrollably all through "Darby O'Gill
And The Little People" .
* When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye.
("Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!")
* You have nothing but Lucky Charms Cereal in your cupboards.
* Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into
gold coins and bury it somewhere.
* You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning
to the embarrassment of all your friends.
* You've been under a rock for the past few years.
* You despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)
* You try to pick up women by saying, "Ah, lassie,
you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."
* When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks
by saying things like, "How can ye not know what a grommet is,
lad? You're wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?"
* Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on
Shamrock Shakes at McDonald's.
* When you say something is "magically delicious", it really is.

And the number one way you can tell you might be a Leprechaun:

* You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss,
drink, and wear green a lot!

St. Patrick's Day Quotes...

Quotes for St. Patrick's Day

"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -
a day to begin transforming winter's dreams
into summer's magic."
- Adrienne Cook
~
"Ireland is rich in literature that
understands a soul's yearnings, and dancing
that understands a happy heart."
- Margaret Jackson
~
"May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light,
May good luck pursue you each morning and night."
- An Irish Blessing
~
"You've got to do your own growing, no matter
how tall your grandfather was."
- An Irish Proverb
~
"Don't be breaking your shin on a
stool that's not in your way."
- An Irish Saying
~
"The most beautiful music of all is
the music of what happens."
- An Irish Proverb
~
"Be kind to those that meet you as you rise,
you may pass them again as you fall."
- An Irish Proverb
~
"Eternal is the fact that the human creature
born in Ireland and brought up in its air is Irish.
I have lived for twenty years in Ireland and for seventy-
two in England; but the twenty came first, and in
Britain I am still a foreigner and shall die one."
- George Bernard Shaw
~
"O Ireland isn't it grand you look - Like a bride
in her rich adornin? And with all the pent-up love
of my heart I bid you the top o' the mornin!"
- John Locke, "The Exile's Return"
~
"Oh! St. Patrick was a gentleman
Who came of decent people;
He built a church in Dublin town,
And on it put a steeple."
- Henry Bennett
~
"Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter
Lullabies, dreams, and love ever after.
Poems and songs with pipes and drums
A thousand welcomes when anyone comes."
- Author Unknown
~
"May the strength of God pilot us,
may the wisdom of God instruct us,
may the hand of God protect us,
may the word of God direct us.
Be always ours this day and for evermore."
- St. Patrick

Two Short Irish Jokes

Two Short Irish Jokes


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They said I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

* * * * *

Paddy and Seamus were giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to
holler, "Seamus... Seamus... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off
and turn it from front to back... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket around and got back
on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy
was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their
route. After a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing
around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.

"Well," explained one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here,
but since we turned his head back to front, he hasn't said a word since!"

Choosing Happiness...

Choosing Happiness
- by Ralph Marston

Happiness does not depend on whether or not you always get
your way. However, when you do choose happiness, events will
more often go your way.

You do not need to accumulate a lot of things before you can
be happy. Yet when you are happy, you'll open yourself up to all
kinds of new abundance...

Happiness is not something that you can obtain by taking it from
others. On the contrary, the more that happiness flows out from
you, the more of it you will enjoy.

If you limit your happiness only to certain specific situations or
conditions, it will almost always elude you. Yet when you seek
to bring happiness to every situation, it will be your constant
companion.

Happiness is not the exclusive experience of just a lucky few.
It is always there for anyone who is sincere and open enough
to choose it.

Happiness is always there to choose, in any place, at any time,
under a whole wide range of conditions. Give happiness to the
moments of life, and you will surely know it well.

- Ralph Marston -

Fun and Funny Irish Sayings...

This can be found at Buzzle.com:


Fun and Funny Irish Phrases
- by Kashmira Lad

- No man is an Ireland.

- You've got to do your own growing, no matter
how tall your grandfather was.

- The longest road out is the shortest road home.

- The Irish are very fair people, they never
speak well for one another.

- A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it's out of the churn,
the more you shake it, the more sour it grows.

- God invented whiskey to keep the Irish
from ruling the world.

- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

- The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the
Scots haven't seen the joke yet. - Oliver Herford

- The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

- When anyone asks me about the Irish character,
I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and
misshapen, but ferociously tenacious.

- He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a
thousand times worse that takes every advice.

For every wound, a balm.
For every sorrow, cheer.
For every storm, a calm.
For every thirst, a beer!

- By Kashmira Lad -

St. Patrick's Day funnies...

The Irishman Who Drank Too Much

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk, "for a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



Irish Poker Game

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500,
and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

The Blonde and the Horse...

The Blonde & The Horse

A blonde decides to try riding horseback, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw
herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and
she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground
over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when....

Todd, the Wal-Mart manager, sees her and pulls the horse's plug from the wall.

Funny Education Quotes...

Funny Quotes on Education

"We're going to have the best-educated
American people in the world."
- Dan Quayle
~
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the
full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendosa
~
"Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment
prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works
as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be
the smartest race of people on Earth."
- Will Rogers
~
"If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a
fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him
into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous."
- Desmond Bagley
~
"College isn't the place to go for ideas."
- Helen Keller
~
"The only thing that interferes with
my learning is my education."
- Albert Einstein
~
"Economists report that a college education adds
many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income -
which he then spends sending his son to college."
- Bill Vaughn
~
"If the Romans had been obliged
to learn Latin, they would never have
found time to conquer the world."
- Heinrich Heine
~
"I was thrown out of college for cheating
on the metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of another boy."
- Woody Allen
~
"If all the students who slept through
lectures were laid end to end, they'd all
be a lot more comfortable."
- Author Unknown
~
"Just don't take any class where
you have to read 'Beowulf'"
- Woody Allen

An Inspirational Story...

I received this in an email from my friend, Sharon. It
was authored by Kelly Adkins. I hope it brings you as
big a smile as it did me. I hope everyone is having
a lovely Sunday!! Val =)


God Lives Under the Bed

My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what
I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark
bedroom, and I stopped outside his closed door to listen. "Are you
there, God?" he said. "Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed."

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique
perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night
something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first
time the very different world in which Kevin lives. He was born
30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor.
Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is
an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a
7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that
God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the
space under our tree every Christmas, and that airplanes stay up in
the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever
dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to
work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel,
returning to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and
later to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme are laundry days,
when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother
with her newborn child. He does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out
to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. He
wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before
dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry
for his next day's laundry chores.

And Saturdays - oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad
takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land,
and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside.
"That one's goin' to Chi-car-go!" Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.
His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.

I don't think Kevin knows anything exists outside his world of daily
rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn't know what it means to be
discontent. His life is simple. He will never know the entanglements
of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he
wears or what kind of food he eats. He recognizes no differences in
people, treating each person as an equal and a friend. His needs have
always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working.
When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is
completely in it. He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and
he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are
done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or
the work of others. His heart is pure. He still believes everyone tells
the truth, promises must be kept and when you are wrong, you
apologize instead of argue.

Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not
afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always
transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God. Not confined by
intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a
child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a
way that is difficult for an "educated" person to grasp. God seems
like his closest companion. In my moments of doubt and frustrations
with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith.
It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine
knowledge that rises above my mortal questions. It is then I realize
that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap - I am. My
obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become
disabilities when I do not submit them to Christ.

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all,
he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after
dark and soaking up the goodness and love of the Lord. And one
day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all
amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that
God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God
lived under his bed. Kevin won't be surprised at all...

- Kelly Adkins -

Food Quotes...

Food Quotes and Verses

"Every moving thing that is alive shall be food for you;
I give all to you, as I gave the green plant."
- Genesis 9:3
~
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in."
- Matthew 25:35
~
“Food is our common ground, a universal experience.”
- James Beard
~
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”
- George Bernard Shaw
~
"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince,
and dinner like a pauper."
- Adelle Davis
~
"So much food; so little time!"
- Author Unknown
~
"What is good to one man may be fierce poison to others."
- Lucretius
~
"The way you cut your meat reflects the way you live."
- Confucius
~
"Worries go down better with soup."
- Jewish Proverb
~
"There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of
a woman making dinner for someone she loves."
- Thomas Wolfe
~
"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know
someone's fingers have been all over it."
- Julia Child
~
"When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy
a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other."
- Chinese proverb
~
"Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate."
- Author Unknown
~
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above
hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
- J. R. R. Tolkien
~
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what
you like and let the food fight it out inside."
- Mark Twain
~
"I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said,
'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said,
'Would you like some fries with that?'"
- Jay Leno
~
"I've been on a diet for two weeks
and all I've lost is two weeks."
- Totie Fields

Morning Quotes...

Morning Quotes

"An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day."
- Henry David Thoreau
~
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege
it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
- Marcus Aurelius
~
"Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must
run faster than the fastest Lion or it will be killed. Every morning
a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it
will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion
or a Gazelle... when the sun comes up, you' better be running."
- Author Unknown
~
"It's completely usual for me to get up in the morning,
take a look around, and laugh out loud."
- Barbara Kingsolver
~
"The moment when first you wake up in the morning is the
most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary
or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that absolutely
anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always
doesn't, matters not one jot. The possibility is always there."
- Monica Baldwin
~
"The breeze at dawn has secrets to
tell you. Don't go back to sleep."
- Rumi
~
"How beautiful, how buoyant, and glad is morning!"
- L. E. Landon
~
"Each morning the day lies like a fresh shirt on our bed;
this incomparably fine, incomparably tightly woven tissue of
pure prediction fits us perfectly. The happiness of the next
twenty-four hours depends on our ability,
on waking, to pick it up."
- Walter Benjamin
~
"Morning prospective: imagination.
Evening retrospective: memory."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
~
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll
be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
- Henny Youngman
~
"Angels in the early morning may be
seen the dews among.
Stooping, plucking, smiling, flying.
Do the buds to them belong?"
- Emily Dickinson

A Funny - English is a Crazy Language...

English is a Crazy Language

Let's face it-English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy
that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of
history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim
chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are
opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and
quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and
cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero
or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who
would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind
up this essay, I end it.

- Author Unknown -

Funny Signs...

Funny Signs

Have a nice day!! Val =)

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

"Be thankful we're not getting all the
government we're paying for."
- Will Rogers
~
"I can't understand why I flunked American history.
When I was a kid there was so little of it."
- George Burns
~
"The simplest toy, one that even the youngest child
can operate, is called a grandparent."
- Sam Levenson
~
"I don't care what is written about me
as long as it isn't true."
- Katherine Hepburn
~
"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."
- Lily Tomlin
~
"More than ever before, Americans are
suffering from back problems - back taxes,
back rent, back auto payments."
- Robert Orben
~
"You can make a lot of money in this game.
Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich
that neither of their husbands work."
- Lee Trevino
~
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates
~
"The person who writes for fools is always
sure of a large audience."
- Arthur Schopenhauer
~
"Drawing on my fine command of
the language, I said nothing."
- Robert Benchley
~
"Coffee isn't my cup of tea."
- Samuel Goldwyn
~
"I failed to make the chess team
because of my height."
- Woody Allen
~
"At my age, flowers scare me."
- George Burns