Friday, July 31, 2009

Mark Twain Quotes...

Mark Twain Quotes

"Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that are forever blowing
through one's mind."
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting
started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small,
manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."
"To succeed in life you need two things:
ignorance and confidence."
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel
that you, too, can become great."
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog."
"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which
he habitually uses in conversation."
"Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often."
"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools,
but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.
Dream. Discover."
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
"Get your facts right.
Then you can distort them as you please."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."
"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of a majority
it is time to pause and reflect."
"All generalizations are false, including this one."

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Funny - 29 Lines to Make You Smile...

Twenty-Nine Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-
the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;
Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Joke - Navajo Wisdom

Navajo Wisdom

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo
woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides to stop
the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on
the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband"

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Joke - It's The Way You Say It...

It's The Way You Say It

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston. He went to
a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation
with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl,
but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO

Monday, July 27, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor."
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
- Author Unknown
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down
trees with your face."
- Dave Barry
"Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?'
Priest: 'No, not if you did not know.'
Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me??'"
- Annie Dillard
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless."
- Nicholas Chamfort
"Murphy was an optimist."
- O'Toole's Commentary
"If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you."
- Billy Wilder
"A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world;
it tones a body up and keeps him human
and prevents him from souring."
- Mark Twain
"It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye...
then it's fun and games you can't see anymore."
- James Hetfield
"If you never did you should.
These things are fun and fun is good."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Anger Quotes and a Verse...

Anger Quotes and a Verse

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters:
you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
Human anger does not produce righteousness God desires."
- James 1:19-20
"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched."
- George Jean Nathan
"A man is about as big as the things that make him angry."
- Winston Churchill
"For every minute that you are angry you lose sixty
seconds of happiness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best
speech you will ever regret."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"The greatest remedy for anger is delay."
- Seneca
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of
throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
- Buddha
"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk."
- Jacqueline Schiff
"Anybody can become angry, that is easy;
but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree,
and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way,
that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy."
- Aristotle
"If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it.
You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.
It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you,
and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other."
- Walter Anderson
"Do not teach your children never to be angry;
teach them how to be angry."
- Lyman Abbott
"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain.
They steal your energy and keep you from love."
- Leo Buscaglia
"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."
- Mark Twain
"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."
- Author Unknown

Friday, July 24, 2009

Nature Quotes...

Nature Quotes

(Part 2)

"The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration
of the five senses."
- Hanna Rion
"The whole world, as we experience it visually,
comes to us through the mystic realm of color."
- Hans Hofmann
"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare
feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
- Kahlil Gibran
"Every time I meet a tree, if I am truly awake,
I stand in awe before it. I listen to its voice, a silent sermon
moving me to the depths, touching my heart, and stirring up
within my soul a yearning to give my all."
- Macrina Wiederkehr
"I perhaps owe having become a painter to flowers."
- Claude Monet
"Like music and art, love of nature is a common language
that can transcend political or social boundaries."
- Jimmy Carter
"Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another."
- Juvenal
"See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence;
see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls."
- Mother Teresa
"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."
- Lao Tzu

"The sun, with all those planets revolving around it
and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes
as if it had nothing else in the universe to do."
- Galileo
"Joy in looking and comprehending is nature's
most beautiful gift."
- Albert Einstein
"Art is man's nature. Nature is God's art."
- Philip James Bailey
"A flower is an educated weed."
- Luther Burbank
"The earth laughs in flowers."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Funny - Disorder in the Courts....

Disorder in the American Courts

Below is dialogue from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts'. People said
these words in court - all taken down by court reporters (who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place).

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!


What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget...
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?


Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
Witness: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.


Attorney: All of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
Witness: Oral.


Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Funny - Pilot Gripe Sheet...

Quantas Pilot Gripe Sheet

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma
to fix one - reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before
the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots, marked with a P, and the
solutions recorded, marked with an S, by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,
fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Joke - Give the Blonde a Chance

Give the Blonde a Chance

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are
Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are
not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering,
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in
one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone
is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance - What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their
feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together."
- Carl Zwanzig
"My doctor says that I have a malformed, public-duty gland
and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore
excused from saving Universes."
- Douglas Adams
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
- Author Unknown

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the
universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
- Bill Watterson, 'Calvin and Hobbes'
"All generalizations are bad."
- R .H. Grenier
"Drawing on my fine command of the language,
I said nothing."
- Robert Benchley

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean
they're not out to get you."
- Colin Sautar
"Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
- Author Unknown
"The chicken came first -
God would look silly sitting on an egg."
- Author Unknown

"The early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese."
- Author Unknown
"Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know.
Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know
that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided
not to know about the things that I decided
not to know about. Amen."
- Douglas Adams, 'Mostly Harmless'
"Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the
consequences of the above prayer."
- Douglas Adams, 'Mostly Harmless'

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Friendship Quotes and Verses...

Friendship Quotes and Verses
(Part 2)

"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."
- Ecclesiastes 4:10
"A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
- Proverbs 18:24
"A friend is, as it were, a second self."
- Cicero
"What is a friend? A single soul
dwelling in two bodies."
- Aristotle
"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility,
never an opportunity."
- Kahlil Gibran
"Who finds a friend finds treasure."
- An Irish Proverb
"True friendship is a plant of slow growth."
- George Washington
"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil;
but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small,
silly presents every so often - just to save it from
drying out completely."
- Pam Brown
"We are, each of us, angels with only one wing,
and we can only fly embracing each other."
- Luciano Decrescenzo
"Wherever we are, it is our friends
that make our world."
- Henry Drummond
"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny
without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mauriac
"I offer you peace. I offer you love.
I offer you friendship. I see your beauty.
I hear your need. I feel your feelings.
My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute the Source in you. Let us work
together for unity and love."
- Mahatma Gandhi

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I stumbled across a Christian cartoon site that I find quite funny. I will be posting cartoons
from Reverendfun over the next three Saturdays. If you enjoy these cartoons, pay the site
a visit! You can even receive the cartoons by email subscription! I hope everyone is having
a nice Saturday! Enjoy!! Val =)

Christian Cartoons

Friday, July 17, 2009

Life Quotes...

Life Quotes

"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back."
- Arthur Rubinstein

"It doesn’t interest me how old you are,
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive."
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"If you let yourself be absorbed completely,
if you surrender completely to the moments as they pass,
you live more richly those moments."
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
"The purpose of life on earth is that the soul should grow -
so grow! By doing what is right."
- Zelda Fitzgerald

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself,
instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
- Judy Garland
"I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible,
to be honorable, to be compassionate. It is, after all, to matter:
to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference
that you lived at all."
– Leo Rosten
"Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life -
learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing
and dance and play and work every day some."
- Robert Fulghum

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be.
The last of life, for which the first was made."
- Robert Browning, 'Rabbi Ben Ezra'
"Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last."
- Marcus Aurelius

"What is life? It is the flash of the firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little
shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."
- dying words of Crowfoot, leader of the Blackfoot Nation
"Don't take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive."
- Warren Miller

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Joke - Little Johnny and the Baby...

Little Johnny and The Baby

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the infant.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the
word ears, he would be in big trouble when they came back home. Little
Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute
little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes," the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"'cuz he'd be screwed if he needed

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Two short jokes...

The Carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the
carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."


Dental Visit

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want
a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman
said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said.
“Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Joke - The Butcher Dance...

The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on
Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every
indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs,
so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local
Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance".

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see
Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest
Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will
prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197
miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you
see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the
car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You
follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of
rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now
head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky
pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft
high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you
find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of
hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to
crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's
forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's
excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he
had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and
follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun
is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but
wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will
prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times
they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a
half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue
their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and
their feet are covered with blisters. Y et they steel themselves and head out on
the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them
and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.
You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me,

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods
get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back
next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization
and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out
again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week
in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to
witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged
every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway
through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the
treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew
sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously,
to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger
into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed
tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up
their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls,
the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all
manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around
a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old
figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle
and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy
and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our
rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world
watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like
our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for
another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves
himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms
out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it.
He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about
to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts
to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch
yer right arm in and you shake it all about... "

Monday, July 13, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard
is not what I meant."
- Robert McCloskey
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman
"I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just
because of the expression it leaves on my face."
- Johnny Depp
"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being
confused for several weeks."
- Daniel Boone
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -
if you want anything done, ask a woman."
- Margaret Thatcher
"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one
you can ride on."
- Roseanne Barr
"My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk
bed until I faint."
- Erma Bombeck
"Kiss and make up? But too much makeup
has ruined many a kiss."
- Mae West
"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea
that his first name was Always."
- Rita Rudner
"It's better to have loved and lost than to do
forty pounds of laundry a week."
- Laurence J. Peter
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted."
- Fred Allen

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Beach and Ocean Quotes and a Verse...

Beach and Ocean Quotes and a Verse

"You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them."
- Psalm 89:9

"My life is like a stroll on the beach... as near to the edge as I can go."
- Henry David Thoreau

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach: one can collect
only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few."
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy,
or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach -
waiting for a gift from the sea."
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea,
and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses
me with its noise and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me
that is bewildered and confused."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Don't grow up too quickly, lest you forget how much you love the beach."
- Michelle Held

"It is an interesting biological fact that all of us have in our veins
the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean,
and therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears.
We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea -
whether it is to sail or to watch it - we are going back
from whence we came."
- John F. Kennedy
"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever."
- Jacques Cousteau

"You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean."
- Mitch Albom
"Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the
heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself,
but always in the experience which is going on around me."
- Albert Schweitzer
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
- Stephen Wright

Friday, July 10, 2009

Quotes on Love...

Quotes on Love

"Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect
and touch and greet each other."
- Rainer Maria Rilke
"The love we give away is the only love we keep."
- Elbert Hubbard
"I like to not only be loved, but to be told that I am loved."
- George Elliot
"Habit causes love."
- A Latin Proverb
"To love is to take delight in the happiness of another,
or, what amounts to the same thing, it is to account
another's happiness one's own."
- Gottfried Leibniz
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
- David Viscott
"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less.
But because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
- Julins Bordon
"You don't ever have to do anything sensational
to love and be loved."
- Fred Rogers
"Love is love. All, everything that I understand,
I understand only because I love. Everything is,
everything exists, only because I love."
- Leo Tolstoy
“Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”
- Franklin P. Jones
“To love abundantly is to live abundantly,
and to love forever is to live forever.”
- Henry Drummond
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love."
- Mother Teresa
"The most important things to do in the world are
to get something to eat, something to drink,
and somebody to love you."
– Brendan Behan
dedicated to J.
I'll always love you.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Joke - The Good Wife...

The Good Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to his annual checkup. After
his appointment, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

The doctor explained, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following,
your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner, make sure you prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband can pull out of
this and regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
“What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Two short jokes...

Civil War Re-Enactment

Thinking his son, Will, would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War
battle, my niece's husband took the small boy to the event. But the poor
child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally
got him calmed down.

That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"


Men Should Listen

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down
the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window
and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Joke - Fred the Chicken Farmer...

Fred the Chicken Farmer

A life-long city man, Fred, decided to leave the rat-race, move to the
country, and become a chicken farmer, so he found a nice chicken farm
and bought it. It turned out that his next door neighbor, a kind, generous
man named Bob, was also a chicken farmer.

Bob came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy.
Tell you what, to help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

Fred was thrilled. Two weeks later Bob stopped by to see how things
were going. Fred said sadly, "Not too good. All the chickens died."

Bob said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my
chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and Bob stops in again. Fred explained,
"You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died, too!"

Astounded, Bob asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, Fred said, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not
far apart enough."

Monday, July 6, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to tallest.
What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
"My school was so tough the school newspaper
had an obituary section."
- Norm Crosby

Kid to his Dad as they watch TV:
"Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to
walk all the way across the room to change a channel."
- Author Unknown
"Seeing a murder on television can help work off
one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms,
the commercials will give you some."
- Alfred Hitchcock
"The only way to make your PC go faster
is to throw it out a window."
- Robert Paul
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
- Pablo Picasso
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
the one that heralds the most discoveries,
is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny... '"
- Isaac Asimov
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me
than a full frontal lobotomy."
- Fred Allen
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
- Rita Rudner
"You know you're getting fat when you can pinch
an inch on your forehead."
- John Mendoza
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory
goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
- Sir Norman Wisdom
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Animal and Pet Quotes and a Verse...

Animal and Pet Quotes and a Verse

"Ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air,
and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish of the sea inform you. Which of these does not know
that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life
of every creature and the breath of all mankind."
- Job 12:7-10

"My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet."
- Edith Wharton

"A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution."
- Hazel Nicholson
'Who can believe there is no soul behind those luminous eyes!?"
- Theophile Gautier
"And God took a handful of southernly wind,
blew His breath over it, and created a horse."
- Bedouin Legend
"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul
remains unawakened."
- Anatole France

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer.
It sings because it has a song."
- A Chinese Proverb

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be
judged by the way its animals are treated."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from
the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who
will deal likewise with their fellow men."
- St. Francis of Assisi

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare,
and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made."
- M. Facklam
"Everyone's pet is the most outstanding.
This begets mutual blindness."
- Jean Cocteau
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals."
- Winston Churchill
"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."
- Samuel Butler

"Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much because
they all look alike. It's not like they're going to meet a really new,
great-looking penguin someday."
- George Carlin

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Cat Humor...

I found some cat videos on YouTube that I thought were hysterical. I had to
weed through quite a few to find what I thought were the three funniest.
They are below. For time sake, I am only listing three, in no particular
order (you can find many more!). I am sure you can tell by now, I am an
animal lover, and a lover of cats in particular. Each are a few minutes
long, so you may want to grab a cup of coffee first... and be careful not
to spew it on the computer while viewing ;-)... Press links below.

Funny Cats 1

Funny Cats 2

Funny Cats 3

Also, I visit a site daily, I Can Has Cheezburger?. It is the funniest animal
humor site I have ever visited. You owe it to yourself to pop over, especially
if you are a pet owner. I view its new contents daily and am often howling
with laughter. Enjoy and pat your pets for me... Val =)

Indpendence Day Jokes and Puns...

I found these jokes and puns at Funny Quotes. It is a fun and funny blog
if you want to pop over and read it sometime. I am not a lover of puns,
but I know some people really like them (right, dad!?! LOL)... so here
you go... and Happy 4th of July everyone! I hope you all are enjoying
your holiday!! Val =)

4th of July Jokes and Puns

How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

What's big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry!

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

What ghost haunted King George III?
The Spirit of '76!

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What would you get if you crossed a patriot
with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What dance was very popular in 1776?

What march would you play at a jungle parade?
"Tarzan Stripes Forever"!

Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg?
Because they're both cracked!

What was the craziest battle of the Revolutionary War?
The Battle of Bonkers Hill.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Quotes for 4th of July...

Quotes for 4th of July

"America is much more than a geographical fact.
It is a political and moral fact – the first community in which
men set out in principle to institutionalize freedom,
responsible government, and human equality."
- Adlai Stevenson

"America is a tune. It must be sung together."
- Gerald Stanley Lee

"America is too great for small dreams."
- Ronald Reagan

"America is essentially a dream, a dream as yet unfulfilled.
It is a dream of a land where men of all races, of all nationalities
and of all creeds can live together as brothers."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"America is the greatest nation in history.
Measure it however you like. We are a mere five percent
of the world's population, but produce thirty percent of the goods
and services. In science, mathematics, and medicine, we walk away with
most of the Nobel Prizes. In Olympics, our amateurs defeat the state
supported athletic elite of other nations. And with America doing
eighty-five percent of all world giving,
you'd think we invented charity."
- Walter E. Williams

"And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your
country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you,
but what together we can do for the freedom of man."
- John F. Kennedy

“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill,
we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship,
support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival
and success of liberty.”
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Liberty is the possibility of doubting,
the possibility of making a mistake, the possibility of searching and
experimenting, the possibility of saying No to any authority -
literary, artistic, philosophic, religious, social and even political."
– Ignazio Silone

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers
brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty,
and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."
- Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address, 1863

"The United States is the only country with a known birthday."
- James G. Blaine

“Those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security
will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.”
- Benjamin Franklin

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves."
- Abraham Lincoln

"May the sun in his course visit no land more free, more happy,
more lovely, than this our own country!"
- Daniel Webster

"And I'm proud to be an American,
where atleast I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
who gave that right to me."
- Lee Greenwood