Joke - The Four Engineers...

 

The Four Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical
engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street
in the same car. The car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end,
I don't think it's getting gas."

The electrical engineer proclaimed, "I think there was a spark
and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and asked, "What do
you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and
get back in."

Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



Joke - Bass Boat...

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

 

Joke - Who Is It?...

Who Is It?

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived,
the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.

"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"

The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up.
"I don't know. Who was it?"

The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"

The Englishman thought the riddle was hilarious. He decided he
would ask his friends the same riddle when he flew home the
next day.

He met them at the airport and asked, "My mom and dad had a
baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up.

So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York!"

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever...

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd have thought at least one of

them would had seen it....

 

Joke - 21st Birthdays...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Joke - Waiting in Line...

Waiting in Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart,
Target, and my local grocer for having 25 check-out lanes
and only three open at any given time.
Here are some creative ways to spend your time:


* Catch up on magazine reading.

* Retrieve the 13 things you forgot on your list.

* Be an annoying cell phone user and catch up on all the
phone calls to your insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Anne.

* Catch a quick cat nap.

* Assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.

* Finally apply a top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.

* Run next door and pick up your dry cleaning.

* Practice your stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.

* Practice some standing yoga poses.

* Taste a cookie in the package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

* Breathe heavily on your T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner so you won't have to leave them out on
the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun like you
normally do.

Joke - You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* You lick your coffee pot clean.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator

to take your pulse.

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Your only sources of nutrition comes

from 'Sweet & Low'.

* You don't sweat - you percolate.

* You've worn out the handle on your

favorite coffee mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

* Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You want to be cremated so you can spend

eternity in a coffee can.

* You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the

sipping position.

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

with an I. V. hookup.

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

Joke - Fishing...

Fishing

A man was stopped by a game warden, with two buckets

of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game

warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch

those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are

my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" said the warden.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake

and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they

jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment,

and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"Alright. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish into the water and stood and

waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned

to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game

warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Joke - A Million...

A Million

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

The guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God answered.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God,

what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure, in a second!"

Joke - Freezer Meals...

Freezer Meals

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot

Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or

"Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what

he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those

things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.

You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever",

"Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or

"Food". My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my

husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know

that it is there waiting.

Joke - School Zone...

School Zone

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture
of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again
for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings,"
the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in
the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for
not wearing a seat belt!

Oh my goodness, I think this is working!!! LOL  I may be able to post some...
we will see... Here is a joke today =).  Love you all!!  Val =)


I Need Help

"Doctor O'Hara," Ranjit pleaded, "I've got trouble. Every time I get
into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed,
I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You
gotta help me, I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist
Dr. O'Hara. "Come and see me three times a week and I'll cure yourfears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."
"In that case, I'll sleep on it," answered Ranjit.

Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars,"
smiled Ranjit.
"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

Joke - Method Actor...

Method Actor


A man went into the pet shop. "I am playing Long John Silver in the
local, amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and
need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real
parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your
shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed
parrot. It's just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be okay?" asked the customer.
"I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner.
"I have one at home that I'll bring in. Come back Thursday and you
can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer. "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the
day I'm having my leg cut off."

Joke - How to Detect a Mental Deficiency...

How to Detect a Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his

hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was

most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked,

"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears

completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which

anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts

you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around

the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I don't know much about history."

Joke - No Dumb Starlet...

No Dumb Starlet

A starlet is seated next to a lawyer on a long flight. She craves her

sleep, but he keeps waking her up with his chatter.

"Let's play a trivia game," he suggests. "If I answer incorrectly, I'll

pay you $100. If you are wrong, you owe me $5."

The starlet agrees, and the lawyer goes first. "What's the distance

between the earth and the moon?"

The starlet hands the lawyer $5. Now it's her turn. "What goes up a

mountain on three legs and comes down on four?"

The lawyer is dumbstruck. He scans the Internet, flips through his

pocket encyclopedia, and texts every scientist he can find. No dice.

Hours later, he wakes up the starlet, hands her $100, and asks,

"So what's the answer?"

Without a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.