Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Joke - The Big Business Way...

The Big Business Way

The American businessman was at the pier of a small, coastal Mexican
village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several, large yellowfin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican told him it only took
a little while.

The American then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more
fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs. The American then asked him what he did with the rest of his

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each
evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full
and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and can help you. You
should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat.
With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats.
Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats! Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor,
eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA, and eventually NYC,
where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

The American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

"The American laughed and continued, "That's the best part. When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to
the public and become very rich. You would make millions!"

"Millions, senor? Then what?" asked the Mexican.

The American said, "Then you would retire and move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids,
take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you
could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos... "

Monday, August 30, 2010

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes...

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really
excited. I don't know why. That's what they're supposed to do.
Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string,
I would have been impressed."

"You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish,
but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do
want to make it late for something."

"I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one,
but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed
to yell 'fore', but I was too busy mumbling ,
'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"

"I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep.
Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with
my ex-landlord."

"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator
temporarily out of order' sign, only 'Escalator temporarily stairs.
Sorry for your inconvenience.

"With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ’slow down’.
With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’,
green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck
did you get that banana?'"

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need
to prove I bought a donut? To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act
like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...
It's in my file at home... Under 'D'."

"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."

"Someone handed me a picture and said, 'This is a picture of me
when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger.
'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.'
Where'd you get that camera man?"

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going
to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Prayer Quotes and Verses...

Quotes and Verses on Prayer

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation."
- Psalm 5:3

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your
requests to God."
- Philippians 4:6

"Give me, good Lord, a longing to be with You."
- St. Thomas Moore

"The wish to pray is a prayer in itself."
- Georges Bernanos

"God speaks in the silence of the heart,
and we listen. This is prayer."
- Mother Teresa

"We speak to God from the fullness of our heart,
and God listens. This is also prayer."
- Mother Teresa

"Pray, hope, and don't worry."
- St. Pio of Pietrelcina

"The most generous choices are the fruit of profound
and prolonged union with God in prayerful silence."
- Pope John Paul II

The Prayer of Saint Francis

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

If you would like to read more about
St. Francis of Assisi visit link below.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Mother Teresa Quotes...

Mother Teresa Quotes

Mother Teresa (born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu), was born in
1910 in what is now Skopje, Macedonia. She came into the
world on August 26, 1910, although she always wrote that
her birthday was August 27, because that was the day of
her baptism, which she considered more important than her
birth. Some of her more famous quotes are below.

"Let us always meet each other with a smile,
for the smile is the beginning of love."

"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love,
a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor.
Do you know your next door neighbor?"

"Joy is very infectious; therefore, be always full of joy."

"Violence of the tongue is very real - sharper than any knife."

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."

"It is a kingly act to assist the fallen."

"Good works are links that form a chain of love."

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and
restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature -
trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the
moon and the sun, how they move in silence...
We need silence to be able to touch souls."

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."

If you would like to read more about Mother Teresa,
click on the link below:

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Little Johnny Jokes...

Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny Learning Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answered the boy.

"What comes after six?"


"Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job.
What comes after ten?"

"A jack!"

Little Johnny and Math

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the
Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny on a Field Trip

Little Johnny's kindergarten class took a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked
to a bulletin board of the ten most-wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," answered the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you
took his picture?"

Little Johnny at Home

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," answered his mother, who began
removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Funny - Importance of Punctuation...

Importance Of Punctuation

Dear John Letter

Version 1:

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be
yours? Gloria

Version 2:

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria

* * *

The Sentence

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her
man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students
to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Funny - A Miracle Toddler Diet...

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid
diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after three days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years, you may have noticed that most two year-olds
are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all
in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before
embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him
afterwards. Good Luck!!!

Day One

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your
face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

Day Two

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable

Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube,
if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it
is clean again. Bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with spoon.

Day Three

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers then rub fingers through hair. Glass of milk; drink
half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the
cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some
red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose,
if possible.

Final Day

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
add half of a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
- Erma Bombeck

"In general, my children refuse to eat anything
that hasn't danced on television."
- Erma Bombeck

"As a child, my family's menu consisted of
two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett

"If we're not supposed to eat animals,
how come they're made out of meat?"
- Tom Snyder

"What do you do when you see an endangered
animal eating an endangered plant?"
- George Carlin

"Ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls and they tell you it's because they're such
beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the wall."
- George Carlin

"I never forget my wife's birthday.
It's usually the day after she reminds
me about it."
- Author Unknown

"Time and Tide wait for no man,
but time always stands still for a
woman of thirty."
- Robert Frost

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and I
can't remember the other two."
- Sir Norman Wisdom

"There is still no cure
for the common birthday."
- John Glenn