Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Funny - Woman's Week at the Gym...

Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape (since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago), I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress:


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Christo waiting for me. He is somewhat of a Greek
god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling, white
smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo game me a tour and shoed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful he conducted his aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo encouraged me as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron
bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. GREAT! It's a whole,
new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-
brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky
for early morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me
on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.


Meanie was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me
that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and his in the restroom. He sent some skinny
witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which
I sank.


I hate that jerk Christo more than any human has ever hated
any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a
part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I
would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want any dents in the floor, don't
hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than
a sandwich.


The evil one left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with
my planner; however, I lacked the strength to use the TV
remote and caught eleven straight hours of the Weather


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can thank God that this week is over. I will also pray next year
my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to
bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Fun and Funny Sleep Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes on Sleep

"I love to sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart
when I'm awake, you know?"
- Ernest Hemingway

"Life is too short to sleep on low thread-count sheets."
- Leah Stussy

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is
five minutes more."
- Wilson Mizener

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds."
- JoJo Jensen, 'Dirt Farmer Wisdom'

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."
- Leo J. Burke

"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting."
- Terri Guillemets

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore,
and you sleep alone!"
- Anthony Burgess

"Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all
night thinking about something you said; after marriage,
he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it."
- Helen Rowland

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather -
not screaming like the passengers in his car."
- Will Shriner

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
- W. C. Fields


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse

"To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom,
knowledge and happiness."
- Ecclesiastes 2:26

"Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what
you want me to be and becoming that person."
- St Therese of Lisieux

"Be what you are. This is the first step toward
becoming better than you are."
- Julius Charles Hare

"Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently.
Be the chess player, not the chess piece."
- Ralph Charell

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon
way, you command the attention of the world."
- George Washington Carver

"I think of life itself as a wonderful play that
I've written for myself, and so my purpose is
to have the utmost fun playing my part."
- Shirley MacLaine

"The discovery of a new dish does more for the
happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star."
- Anthelme Brilat-Savarin

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you
can do it even better than you think you can."
- Jimmy Carter

"The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on
the water, but to walk on the earth."
- A Chinese Proverb

"Hitch your wagon to a star."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, November 26, 2010

Uniqueness and Self-Awareness Quotes...

Self-Realization and Uniqueness Quotes

"I am the only person in the world I should
like to know thoroughly."
- Oscar Wilde

"Without knowing what I am and why I am here,
life is impossible."
- Leo Tolstoy

"The deep root of failure in our lives is to think,
'Oh how useless and powerless I am.' It is essential
to think strongly and forcefully, 'I can do it,'
without boasting or fretting."
- Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

"When I let go of what I am,
I become what I might be."
- Lao Tzu

"It's in the struggle itself that you define yourself."
- Pat Buchanan

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you
can do it even better than you think you can."
- Jimmy Carter

"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming
the person you want to be."
- David Viscott

"Never be unmindful of your own dignity."
- John Brown

"The more you praise and celebrate your life,
the more there is in life to celebrate."
- Oprah Winfrey

"Today you are YOU, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!...

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have
into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos
to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes
sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision
for tomorrow. ”
- Melodie Beattie

I have a list of links for you to explore while you are waiting
for the cook of your home to prepare the feast.  I hope you
enjoy these.  I have tested each one.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Apple Season Game
(fun and easy!)

(for kids, but adults can have fun, too!)

I want to wish everyone a safe and warm and wonderful
Thanksgiving Day! I appreciate each and everyone of you!
Sending out gratitude... Val =)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey...

Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey

* As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins.
* As a hood ornament.
* As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you
and say, "My how you've grown!"
* As a football for the after-meal game.
* One word... bowling!
* As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm
to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
* As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!).
* As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
* Makes a great doggie chew toy.
* Fill it with whipped cream - watch the fun.
* Bury it in the yard for future midnight snacks.
* If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on and
see what it looks like in the X-ray machine.
* Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and ask the
flight attendant for some chicken feed.
* Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"
* Before serving, paste feathers on the poor, naked creature.
* Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room,
amaze your guests with the talking fowl.
* Throw the turkey out the window yelling,
"You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"
* Two words: turkey puppet.
* Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood
in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
* From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.
When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
* As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests
in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Fun and Funny Thanksgiving Quotes...

Fun and Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast,
the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes
a patriotic duty."
- Michael Dresser

"On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down
to dinner at the same moment - halftime."
- Author Unknown

"You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner
there was one wise, old Native American woman saying,
'Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.'"
- Dylan Brody

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house.
We had an enormous feast and then I killed them
and took their land."
- Jon Stewart

"Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day!"
- A Thanksgiving Toast, from the movie 'Sweet November'

"Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten
on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar
property of attesting piety and gratitude."
- Ambrose Bierce

"The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal,
is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping
and cooking and braising and blanching. Then it takes 20
minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a
food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up."
- Ted Allen

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when
you have to let your bathrobe out."
- Jay Leno

"I come from a family where gravy is considered
a beverage."
- Erma Bombeck

"Thanksgiving tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil
and throw them out."
- Nicole Hollander

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving and Gratitude Quotes and a Verse...

Thanksgiving and Gratitude Quotes and a Verse

"By Him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise
to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving
thanks to His name."
- Hebrews 13:15

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year;
to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart
of gratitude will allow."
- Edward Sandford Martin

"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue,
but the parent of all the other virtues."
- Cicero

"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness.
It will change your life mightily."
- Gerald Good

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant,
to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to
live gratitude is to touch Heaven."
- Johannes A. Gaertner

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments
when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."
- Thornton Wilder

"I think that one of the things I'm most grateful
for on Thanksgiving is that, when the Lord was deciding
who would need help at this season and who would be
in a position to give help, he permitted me
to be among the givers."
- Bill Gold

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget
that the highest appreciation is not to utter words,
but to live by them."
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"You say grace before meals. All right.
But I say grace before the concert and the opera,
and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace
before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting,
swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and
grace before I dip the pen in the ink."
- G. K. Chesterton

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like
wrapping a present and not giving it."
- William Arthur Ward

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be
shut up in a single day."
- Robert Caspar Lintner