Thursday, September 30, 2010

Joke - Baseball...


Two elderly gentlemen, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park
bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they
do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball
in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But
let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell
you if there's baseball in heaven. If you die first, you do
the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe
passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the
pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol...

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Joke - Motorcycle Ride...

Motorcycle Ride

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The
was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive
with the air hitting me in my chest. I'm just too chilly."

After thinking for a while, he put the coat on backwards to block
the air.

The driver started the bike again, proceeded down the road, came
a curb too fast, and wrecked.

The farmer that lived nearby called the police and told them what

An officer asked him, "Are either of them showing any signs of

The farmer said, "Well, the first one was 'til I turned his head
the right way."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Joke - The Ostrich...

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks the man and the bird for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," answers the ostrich.

"That will be $9.40 please," the waitress says as she returns with
their order.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for

The next day the man and the ostrich return, and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke, please."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a daily routine until one special night when they enter
the restaurant.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, a baked potato, and
a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?"

"Well," explains the man, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and
offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the correct
amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" exclaims the waitress. "Most people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Monday, September 27, 2010

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."
- Author Unknown

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
- Milton Berle

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
- Milton Berle

"Ah, my wife. If life hands her a lemon, she makes lemonade.
And if life hands her a rotten potato, don't drink the lemonade."
- Robert Brault

"The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become
very good at fractions."
- Robert Brault

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are
identical whether you play or not."
- Fran Lebowitz

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
- Spike Milligan

"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance,
his colleagues generally present him with a watch."
- R. C. Sherriff

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life.
I think he was right. I feel ten years older already."
- Milton Berle

"Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise,
they won't go to yours."
- Yogi Berra

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Wisdom Quotes and Verses...

Wisdom Quotes and Verses

"For wisdom is protection just as money is protection, But the advantage
of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the lives of its possessors."
- Ecclesiastes 7:12

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously
to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
- James 1:5

"Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this
is the beginning of wisdom."
- Theodore Rubin

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers.
You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions."
- Naguib Mahfouz

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."
- Socrates

"To see the miraculous within the ordinary is the
mark of highest wisdom."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"As one lamp serves to dispel a thousand years of darkness,
so one flash of wisdom destroys ten thousand years of ignorance."
- Hui-Neng

"Pain makes man think. Thought makes man wise.
Wisdom makes life endurable."
- John Patrick

"Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain."
- Robert Gary Lee

"Memory is the mother of all wisdom."
- Samuel Johnson

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Maxine Celebrates Fall...

Happy Saturday, my friends. It was very hot for a couple days in my area,
so I thought Fall decided it wasn't going to make an appearance. I had to
run my air conditioner for a two days! That is odd for the end of
September for me. Fall is my favorite season, so I am hoping it will make an
appearance soon and stay for awhile. To get into the spirit of things, I have
Maxine celebrating the season for us. If you want to read her daily, visit
Hallmark's Crabby Road. They are down for renovations, but will return soon.
Have a super weekend, all!! Val =)

Maxine and Autumn

Thursday, September 23, 2010



There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man.
And as for the bucket, Nan tucket.

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin'.
He said, with a sigh,
"That park bench - well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sittin'."

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened - it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her -
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Joke - Ooops...


A man joined a big, multi-national company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone,
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed
the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"I'm the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank goodness!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Joke - Whose Duck?

Whose Duck?

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, a well-dressed, city man
takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field,
and the farmer claims it.

Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an
old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can, then you do the
same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."

The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing
blow to the man, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later,
when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."

"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

Monday, September 20, 2010

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot."
- Mark Twain

"Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work
when God was tired."
- Mark Twain

"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because
he was disappointed in the monkey."
- Mark Twain

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- An English Proverb

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this."
- Author Unknown

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
- Author Unknown

"I love things made out of animals.
It's just so funny to think of someone saying,
'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.'"
- David Sedaris

"... I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey
because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found
a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead... "
- Dane Cook

"Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."
- Tommy Cooper

"People who don't think probably don't have brains; rather,
they have gray fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake."
- A. A. Milne, 'Winnie the Pooh'

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Quotes and a Verse for Autumn...

Quotes and a Verse for Autumn

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die... "
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-2(a)

"October is nature's funeral month.
Nature glories in death more than in life. The month of
departure is more beautiful than the month of coming -
October than May. Every green thing loves
to die in bright colors."
- Henry Ward Beecher

"Then summer fades and passes and October comes.
We'll smell smoke then, and feel an unexpected sharpness,
a thrill of nervousness, swift elation,
a sense of sadness and departure."
- Thomas Wolfe

"I love the fall. I love it because of the smells that you speak of;
and also because things are dying, things that you don't have to
take care of anymore, and the grass stops growing."
- Mark Van Doren

"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of
the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.
Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show."
- Andrew Wyeth

"I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as
autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend
almost all the daylight hours in the open air."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns."
- George Eliot

But within me is the cold.
Youth and spring are all about;
It is I that have grown old."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 'Autumn Within'

"Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
fluttering from the autumn tree."
- Emily Bronte

"October gave a party;
The leaves by hundreds came-
The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,
And leaves of every name.
The Sunshine spread a carpet,
And everything was grand,
Miss Weather led the dancing,
Professor Wind the band."
- George Cooper, 'October's Party'

"It is autumn; not without