Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

 

"Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?"

- Author Unknown

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can
get shot while getting shot... "

- Chris Rock

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J. D. Salinger

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

- Peter Vries

"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so
he can tell when he's really in trouble."

- Justine Vogt

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown tie."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

- Jay Leno

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

- Will Rogers

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up Button."

- Sam Levenson

 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
- Lenny Bruce

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we
had our own coroner. We used to write essays like:
What I’m going to be if I grow up.”
- Lenny Bruce

"The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can
do that dramatic removal."
- Jim Gaffigan

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Steven Wright

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon,
and some days you are the statue."
- David Brent

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.
You can't do any business from there."
- Colonel Sanders

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes


"Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver."
- William James

"Some people are like Slinkies...
not really good for anything, but you can't help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown

"Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'If an emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?"
- Author Unknown

"There has been much tragedy in my life;
at least half of it actually happened."
- Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for
most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."
- Author Unknown

"Pay no attention to what the critics say;
no statue has ever been erected to a critic."
- Jean Sibelius

"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
- Bob Monkhouse

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Author Unknown

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom


 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I recorded a song called 'I Fall to Pieces', and I

was in a car wreck. Now I'm really worried because I

have a brand-new record, and it's called 'Crazy'."

- Patsy Cline

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

- Steven Wright

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said

'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw

a sign that said 'compact cars'."

- Steven Wright

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,

'There's water in the carburetor.' I said,

'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'"

- Henny Youngman

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the

cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

- Lenny Bruce

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are

like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone."

- Lenny Bruce

"If it can't be fixed with duct tape or WD-40,

it's a female problem."

- Jason Love

"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father

was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."

- Jim Gaffigan

"I was watching the Animal Planet.

Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby?

Why don't they just call that one the female?"

- Jim Gaffigan

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is

a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud."

- Carl Sandburg

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes...

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"Teflon brain - nothing sticks."

"We are all in this together, by ourselves."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst
those in touch with it."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak
may be thinking up something else."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

"Man invented language to satisfy
his deep need to complain."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific."

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."

"After all, in private, we're all misfits."

Funny Steve Martin Quotes...

Funny Steve Martin Quotes


"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


"I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and
I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons.
And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden."


"Some people have a way with words...
some people... not have way."


"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."


"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.
I hate necks."


"She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas!"


"A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more
than two hours working on his hair."


"First the doctor told me the good news:
I was going to have a disease named after me."


"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."


"We've had some fun tonight considering
we're all gonna die someday."

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes...

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're

really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you

put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.

Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought,

'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest

and I thought, 'That is not cool.' Then I figured it out:

'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to

me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.'

And I said, 'I am.'"

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that

started with the word 'dude'. 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude,

we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so

stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin,

and Turtle, and all my homies.'"

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody

can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of.

It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.

But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...

after 'I love you... or "'You're going to live'...

or 'It's a boy!'"

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone

a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just

mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'Huh? What the heck is this?',

but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!'"

"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's

are on this thing? Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... '"

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid

confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was

stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?'

'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries,

that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."

Funny Robin Williams Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes by Robin Williams

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police

don't have a gun and you don't have a gun.

If you commit a crime, the police will say,

'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"

"Why do they call it rush hour

when nothing moves?"

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give

me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'

She's got a baseball bat and yelling,

'You want a piece of me?'"

"Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is

a six-foot-tall rat!"

"Reality: What a concept!"

"You're only given a little spark of madness.

You mustn't lose it."

"Carpe per diem - seize the check"

"Spring is nature's way of saying,

'Let's party!'"

"What's right is what's left if you do

everything else wrong."

"Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately,

it kills all of its students."