Funny Demetri Martin Quotes
"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're
really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you
put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.
Be nice to people in sneakers.'"
"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought,
'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest
and I thought, 'That is not cool.' Then I figured it out:
'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."
"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to
me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.'
And I said, 'I am.'"
"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that
started with the word 'dude'. 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude,
we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so
stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin,
and Turtle, and all my homies.'"
"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody
can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."
"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of.
It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.
But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...
after 'I love you... or "'You're going to live'...
or 'It's a boy!'"
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone
a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just
mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'Huh? What the heck is this?',
but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!'"
"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's
are on this thing? Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... '"
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid
confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was
stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?'
'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries,
that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."