Tuesday, September 30, 2008

joke - Swearing Parrot

Swearing parrot

There is this fella with a parrot that swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!!"

This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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Monday, September 29, 2008

Rodney Dangerfield funnies...

Rodney Dangerfield

some of Rodney Dangerfield's best lines...

"A girl phoned me the other day and said...
'Come on over, there's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet."

"My mother had morning sickness -
after I was born."

"My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday."

"I worked in a pet shop and people
kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman
and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him... 'Do you think we'll ever find them?'
He said, 'I don't know kid... there are so many
places they can hide.'"

"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed
a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me
to have a few drinks and get some rest."

Do you have a favorite line? Which one?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

joke - The Blonde and The Lottery

The Blonde and The Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of The Almighty, Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

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Quotes and Verses on Adversity...

Bible Verses and Quotes on Adversity

"We can rejoice, too, when we
run into problems and trials, for we know
that they help us develop endurance."
- Romans 5:3

“'... My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ
may rest upon me."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

“The harder the conflict, the more
glorious the triumph.”
- Thomas Paine

“Adversity is the diamond dust that
heaven polishes it's jewels with.”
- Robert Leighton

“Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man;
but for one man who can stand prosperity there
are a hundred that will stand adversity.”
- John Keats

“Friendship, of itself a holy tie,
Is made more sacred by adversity.”
- Charles Caleb Colton

“Kites rise highest against
the wind not with it.”
- Winston Churchill

Do you have a favorite quote or verse?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Quotes on Autumn...

Quotes on Autumn

"For man, autumn is a time of harvest,
of gathering together. For nature, it is a time
of sowing, of scattering abroad."

- Edwin Way Teale

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns."

- George Eliot

"I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as
autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend
almost all the daylight hours in the open air."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor,
summer an oil painting,
and autumn a mosaic of them all."

- Stanley Horowitz

"Then summer fades and passes and October comes.
We'll smell smoke then, and feel an unexpected
sharpness, a thrill of nervousness, swift elation,
a sense of sadness and departure."

- Thomas Wolfe

"Autumn is a second spring when
every leaf is a flower."

- Albert Camus

Do you have a favorite Autumn quote? Which one?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Lasting Joy...

I do not know the author of this or I would give credit. I love the message.

Lasting Joy!

The best moments you have ever known are still with you.
All the happiness and joy you have ever experienced is a part of you.
Indeed, it lives in you. Circumstances most certainly change,
from moment to moment, but the good things which you've known
never go away. Deep down inside, you are still the same person you
were on the happiest day you've ever experienced.
And deep down inside is where things truly matter.

Joy is cumulative and persistent. Think of a happy
time and you are happy. The world will often
attempt to drag you down and when it does,
summon the power of your happiness. Think of the
best moments you have ever known. They are
still with you. And there are many more to come.

Joy is more than the pleasure of the moment.
It is an affirmation that life is very much worth living.
It may sometimes get covered up, but it never has
to go away. Keep it with you and add to it all that
you can.

joke - The Duck

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bar man looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck!"

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" excitedly exclaims the bar man.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the bar man as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing 'round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bar man cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag, then proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day, and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!!' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says --

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?!?!"

...Thanks to Susan for this joke!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

joke - A Shy Guy

A shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, very tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted quietly with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!!"

Everyone in the bar turns and stares at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $700?!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Audrey Hepburn poem...

I love this poem that Audrey Hepburn wrote.
It was read at her funeral years later...

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Joke - Mental Release

Mental Release

A man who had been in a mental hospital for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?"

The patient said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeal to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Thanks to
for this joke!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Funny Quotes by Milton Berle

All of these quotes are in the publication, "More of the Best of Milton Berle's
Private Joke File". I received this 553 page book from my Daddy. It is filled
with Milton's funny quotes and short jokes. No doubt, I will feature him another
day! Enjoy!...

Quotes by Milton Berle

"I'm getting so absent-minded and forgetful.
Sometimes in the middle of the sentence. I."

"You can make both ends meet, but you
can't make them like each other."

"If you know the difference between good advice
and bad advice, you don't need advice."

"Dead owls don't give a hoot."

"When arguing with a stupid person,
make sure he isn't doing the same."

"Never lend money. It gives people amnesia."

"An old African proverb says, 'when two
elephants fight the grass gets hurt.'"

"We all sprang from animals, but most of
us didn't spring far enough."

"You can bet your wife is being unfaithful if
your dog is taking your pipe and slippers
to the house across the street."

"Rabbits of the world - stop!"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Joke - Blonde Wife, Barking Dog

Blonde Wife, Barking Dog

A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. Around 2 AM they both awaken to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...

After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, the wife tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!

There's nothing HE can do...

After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts, "Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"

She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.

The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem... I still hear him barking?!"

She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Joke - Three Old Laies

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she says, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Verses and Quotes on Prayer...

Verses and Quotes on Prayer

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears,
and delivers them out of all their troubles."

- Psalm 34:17

"And whatever you ask in My name,
that I will do that The Father may be glorified
in The Son. If you ask anything in My name
I will do it."

- John 14:13, 14

"Anything big enough to occupy our minds
is big enough to hang a prayer on."

- George Macdonald

"Contemplative prayer... in my opinion
is nothing else than a close sharing between friends;
it means taking time frequently to be alone
with Him who we know loves us."

- St. Teresa of Avila

"Prayer is not overcoming God's reluctance,
but laying hold of His willingness."

- Martin Luther

"It is necessary to rouse the heart to pray,
otherwise it will become quite dry.
The attributes of prayer must be:
love of God, sincerity, and simplicity."

- John of Kronstadt

"Praying without faith is like trying
to cut with a blunt knife -
much labor expended to little purpose."

- Anonymous

"Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message,
oppose our arguments, despise our persons;
but they are helpless against our prayers."

- J. Sidlow Baxter

Friday, September 19, 2008

Political Quotes...

Political Quotes

"I contend that for a nation to try to tax
itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle."

- Winston Churchill

"Democracy must be something more than two wolves
and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."

- James Bovard

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Foreign aid might be defined
as a transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.

- Douglas Casey

"Giving money and power to government is like
giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

- P.J. O'Rourke

"Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody endeavors to live
at the expense of everybody else."

- Frederic Bastiat

"Government's view of the economy
could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

- Ronald Reagan

"I don't make jokes... I just watch the
government and report the facts."

- Will Rogers

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait
until you see what it costs when it's free!"

- P.J. O'Rourke

"Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"

- Pericles (430 B.C.)

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session."

- Mark Twain

Thanks for the quotes, Merry!

Do you have a favorite quote?
Please remember, these are not MY quotes. LOL
Because I have a quote here does not necessarily mean I agree with it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Funny... Dr. Seuss as a Tech Writer...

Dr Seuss as a Tech Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report...

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's going to crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When a copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Courtesy of

...Thanks Merry

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A Funny - Crazy Headlines

These are actual headlines found in papers across the country and world...

Crazy Headlines

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
(no, really?)

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
(a bit drastic, you think?)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)

Miners Refuse To Work after Death
(good for nothin', lazy...)

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
(This is drastic, too :-o!)

War Dims Hope For Peace
(That's how war works.)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(again, really?)

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
(Who would have thought?!)

Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(Smart they are!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(not Duct Tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
(Shouldn't be too hard to find.)

Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
(BEAN-O next time!)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(DO NOT eat MY child!)

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
(There they go, being mean to kids again... and this is bloody!)

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
(How tall?)

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Did they die before or after?)

Okay, so do you think the headline/caption writers are THIS stupid or do you
think they do this on purpose?? Sorry for the corny commentary after the
headlines... LOL Do you have a favorite headline?

Joke - Pink Suit Sale

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had for so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A Funny - Grits


What Grits Are:

Nobody knows. Many people feel that Grits are made
from ground-up bits of white corn. This is obviously a lie. Nothing
as good as Grits can be made from corn.

The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God
rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai
Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no
record of butter, salt, or cheese raining down from the sky, and
that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without
these key ingredients.

How Grits Are Formed:

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.
It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's
Grit mines are in Southern Georgia, and are guarded day and night by
armed guards and fierce attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a
dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each
year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for
breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the
question). Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grit. They
call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients
of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. This
synthetic Grit has also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave
you unable to have children.

Historical Grits:

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by
the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grit
was not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that the Grit
was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies,
and was kept from thepublic due to its rarity. The next mention of the
Grit was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a
woman's personal diary. The woman's name was
Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends).

The 10 Commandments Of Grits:

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits.
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
X. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either.

How To Cook Grits:

For one serving of Grits, boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a
little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the
Grits to soak up all the water. That's all there is to cooking Grits.

How To Eat Grits:

Immediately after removing your Grits from the stove top, add a
generous portion of butter (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter).
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.
(Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the
colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1. Therefore, for
every 10 Grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.) Cheese is optional.
However if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4' squares and add
immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your cheese
to melt completely.

Now begin eating your Grits.

Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your Grits should be
thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is milk or chocolate milk.
(WARNING: Use whole milk only - DO NOT use 2% or, Heaven forbid,
skim milk.) Coffee with Grits is acceptable, but is frowned upon by true
Grits aficionados.

Ways To Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover Grits are extremely rare) Spread them on the bottom of a
casserole dish, cover, and place them in the refrigerator overnight.

The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice
the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter
until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour
syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

From Val: I thought this was hysterical. I LOVE grits. Do you like grits?
If you like grits, where do you live/where did you grow up? How do you
eat them? I eat mine the way they describe, but I also add lots of
pepper. I never tried cheese. I am going to!

In loving Memory of Chuck

Joke - The Horse

The Horse

Whack! Right on the head with a rolled-up magazine! "What was that for?!" the husband shouts.

"That," his wife says, "was for the piece of paper I found with the name 'Laurie Sue' on it."

"But, dear," he says, "that was just the name of a horse I bet on when I went to the track."

"Okay," she says, "I'll let it go... this time."

Two weeks later - whack!!

"Now what?!" he wails.

"Your horse called."

Monday, September 15, 2008

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"There are three faithful friends - an old wife,
an old dog, and ready money."

- Benjamin Franklin

"I can resist everything except temptation."

- Oscar Wilde

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since
I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it.
And I'm President of the United States
and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."

- George Bush

"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children,
sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

- Ken Dodd

"One has fear in front of a goat, in back
of a mule, and on every side of a fool."

- Watson Howe

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."

- Author Unknown

Which quote above is your favorite? Do you
know any other funny/interesting quotes?
Put in comments section or email! Thanks

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Quotes and Verses on Grumbling...

Quotes and verses on Grumbling

"Do not let any unwholesome talk
come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful
for building others up according to their needs,
that it may benefit those who listen."

- Ephesians 4:29

"And do not grumble, as some of them did -
and were killed by the destroying angel."

- 1 Corinthians 10:10

"It is a general error to suppose
the loudest complainers for the public to be
the most anxious for its welfare."

- Edmund Burke

"Complaint is more contemptible than pitiful."

- Christian Nestell Bovee

"Realize that if you have time to whine
and complain about something then you have
the time to do something about it."

- Anthony J. D'Angelo

"Constant complaint is the poorest sort of pay
for all the comforts we enjoy."

- Benjamin Franklin

"This life is not for complaint,
but for satisfaction."

- Henry David Thoreau

"To tell thy mis'ries will no comfort breed;
Men help thee most, that think thou hast no need;
But if the world once thy misfortunes know,
Thou soon shall lose a friend and find a foe."

- Thomas Randolph

Friday, September 12, 2008

Jane Austen Quotes

Jane Austen Quotes

“I have been a selfish being all my life,
in practice, though not in principle.”

"Run mad as often as you choose;
but do not faint."

“To sit in the shade on a fine day
and look upon verdure is the most
perfect refreshment.”

“It sometimes happens that a woman
is handsomer at twenty-nine than she
was ten years before.”

"Friendship is certainly the finest balm
for the pangs of disappointed love.”

Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery.”

"Why not seize the pleasure at once,
how often is happiness destroyed by
preparation, foolish preparations.”

“There is nothing like staying
at home for real comfort.”

“The person, be it gentleman or lady,
who has not pleasure in a good novel,
must be intolerably stupid.”

"You have delighted us long enough.”

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Joke - The Taxi Driver

The Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over a curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few minutes everything was silent in the cab, and then still shaking the driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I had no idea a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"If you love your job, you haven't
worked a day in your life."
- Tommy Lasorda

"I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce,
I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so
again, are thunder and lightning."
- Author Unknown

"Men marry women with the hope
they will never change. Women marry
men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed."
- Albert Einstein

"To cease smoking is the
easiest thing. I ought to know.
I've done it a thousand times."
- Mark Twain

"I can resist everything
except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals."
- Winston Churchill

Do you have a favorite?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Joke - Out For a Ride

Out for a Ride

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years-old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost a half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSSHHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there is nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from you side view mirror."

Joy, joy, joy!...

Verses and Quotes on Joy

"You make known to me the path of life;
in Your presence there is fullness of joy;
at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
- Psalm 16:11

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him.
Though you do not now see Him, you believe
in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible
and filled with glory"
- 1 Peter 1:8

"Joy is the most infallible sign
of the presence of God."
- Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

"Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands
and take it when it runs by."

- Carl Sandburg

"Joy is but the sign that creative
emotion is fulfilling its purpose."
- Charles Du Bos

"Joy is very infectious; therefore,
be always full of joy."
- Mother Teresa

"Joy is a net of love by which you can
catch souls. A joyful heart is the inevitable
result of a heart burning with love."
- Mother Teresa

"Joy comes from using your potential."
- Will Schultz

"It is in the compelling zest of high
adventure and of victory, and in creative
action, that man finds his supreme joys."
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery

"Joy is not in things, it is in us."
- Benjamin Franklin

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lightbulb Joke

How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light

Woman's (with menopause) Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that
the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't
be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been
in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some
miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged
to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE

I'm sorry. What was the question?

(I think this joke works with PMS, too. LOL)

Famous Presidential Quotes...

Since we have been experiencing Presidential conventions
and the election really isn't that far off, I thought I would
give you all some Presidential quotes. Enjoy!...

Presidential Quotes

"One man with courage is a majority."

- Thomas Jefferson

"A little flattery will support a man through great fatigue."

- James Monroe

"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate
here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation."

- James Earl Carter

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."

- Ronald Wilson Reagan

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"It is not strange . . . to mistake change for progress."
- Millard Fillmore

"The storm of frenzy and faction must inevitably dash itself
in vain against the unshaken rock of the Constitution."

- Franklin Pierce

"But I contend that the strongest of all
governments is that which is most free."

- William Henry Harrison

"Do I not destroy my enemies when
I make them my friends?"

- Abraham Lincoln

"I pray Heaven to bestow the best of blessing
on this house (the White House) and on all that shall
hereafter inhabit it. May none but honest and wise
men ever rule under this roof!"

- John Adams

Do you have a favorite quote? Does one really stir you?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Joke - Wishes Granted...

Wishes Granted!

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh," said the wife, "I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand, and - POOF - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and ten thousand dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was her husband's turn. He thought for a minute and said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my heart. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I am."

The wife and the fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish, so the fairy waved her magic wand, and - POOF - the husband became 92 years old.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Joke - The House and the Cell Phone

The House and the Cellphone

A group of guys are in the locker room when a
cell phone rings. One of them picks it up.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "Well, I have news. The house we wanted
is back on the market. They are asking $950,000."

Man: "Well then, go ahead and make an offer,
but make it $1.2 million so we'll be sure to get it."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later. I love you!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too!"

The man hangs up. Then he asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Joke - Serenity or Senility?

Serenity or Senility?

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, It's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get some beer."


An alderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."


A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty," he answered.


My memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Joke - New Computer Viruses List

New Computer Virus List

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

... Thanks to Sandi for the use of this! Thanks, Sandi!!