Monday, February 28, 2011

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you."
- B. L. Taylor

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas."
- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the
day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
- Linda Ellerbee

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned
to death with popcorn."
- Bishop Fulton Sheen

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I
was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said,
'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of
the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'"
- Quentin Crisp

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
- Spike Milligan

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap...
He was in the electric chair."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper off."
- Johnny Carson

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Self-Awareness and Uniqueness Quotes and a Verse...

Self-Awareness Quotes and a Verse

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11

"Each one of us is God's special work of art.
Through us, He teaches and inspires, delights and
encourages, informs and uplifts all those
who view our lives."
- Joni Eareckson Tada

"Until you make peace with who you are,
you’ll never be content with what you have."
- Doris Mortman

"Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Create a story of WOW that will be retold."
- Jeffrey Gitomer

"Trust your own instincts. Your mistakes might as
well be your own instead of someone else's."
- Billy Wilder

"We did not change as we grew older;
we just became more clearly ourselves."
- Lynn Hall

"There is nothing like returning to a place that
remains unchanged to find the ways in which you
yourself have altered."
- Nelson Mandela

"I am not myself in any degree ashamed of
having changed my opinions."
- Bertrand Russell

"What I am looking for is not out there;
it is in me."
- Helen Keller

Friday, February 25, 2011

Joke - The Blonde Pilot...

The Blonde Pilot

A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn
to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her
on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics, and
 sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful and I'm starting to get the hang of this!"

After 2000 feet, she radioed again saying how easy it was becoming.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what
happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got
higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned
off the big fan."

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Joke - How The Internet Started...

How The Internet Started

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thoust can trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they
will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and
prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or
NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches
were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to
be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named
it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums
to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as
God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

- Author Unknown

* Thank you, Merry!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Joke - Bite My Eye...

Bite My Eye

A man walks into a bar, has a few drinks, and asks for the total of
his tab. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.

The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite
my eye."

The bartender accepts the bet and the guy pulls out his glass eye and
bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender
reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the
bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing
the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.

The guy then proceeds to take out his false teeth and bite his other eye.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Actual, Funny Bumper Stickers...

Funny Bumper Stickers

These are actual bumper stickers found on cars:

* Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
* Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
* I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about
the other 95%?.
* Egrets? I've had a few.
* I'm not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.
* I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.
* I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world.
* Apathy: I could take it or leave it.
* Better half a slogan...
* You probably don't recognize me without the cape.
* My dog is smarter than your honor student.
* National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
* The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
* Dyslexics Untie!
* Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
* Never believe generalizations.
* Avoid alliterations always.
* National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need
your support.)
* What would Scooby do?
* I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
* I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on
the Juneflower.
* If there is no God, who always pops up
that next Kleenex?
* The trouble with life is there's no background music.
* If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
* Illiterate? Write for help.
* Honk if anything falls off.
* I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
* If you can read this, please flip me back
over. (Seen upside-down on a jeep.)
* If walking is so good for you, then why does
my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?
* Boldly going nowhere.
* Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap
is cheap. You choose.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
* IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
* What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Funny Quotes for President's Day...

Funny Quotes From U.S. Presidents

“An amazing invention -
but who would ever want to use one?”
- Rutherford B. Hayes,
sharing his thoughts on the telephone

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
- Jimmy Carter

"I have orders to be awakened at any time
in the case of a national emergency - even
if I'm in a cabinet meeting."
- Ronald Reagan

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character
by his way of eating jellybeans."
- Ronald Reagan

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions -
but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

"People who like this sort of thing will find this
the sort of thing they like."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I don't know who my grandfather was;
I am much more concerned to know what
his grandson will be."
- Abraham Lincoln

"When the President does it,
that means that it's not illegal."
- Richard Nixon

"Things are more like they are now than
they ever were before."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"I try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around
here at the White House on the outdoor track...
It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the
saddest things about the Presidency."
- George W. Bush

"You lose."
- Calvin Coolidge, after a woman told him she
made a bet that she could get at least three
words of conversation from him

“Blessed are the young,
for they will inherit the national debt.”
- Herbert Hoover

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Friendship Quotes and a Verse...

Friendship Quotes and a Verse

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work;
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
- Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford

"A true friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway."
- Christi Mary Warner

"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge.
The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and
aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to
noble deeds."
- Aristotle

"One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives."
- Euripedes

"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of
yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job."
- Laurence J. Peter

"To find a friend one must close one eye - to keep him, two."
- Norman Douglas

"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the
man who'll get me a book I ain't read."
- Abraham Lincoln

"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.
I wove my webs for you because I liked you. By helping you,
perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows
anyone's life can stand a little of that."
- E. B. White, 'Charlotte's Web'

"If you have an ounce of common sense and one good
friend you don't need an analyst."
- Joan Crawford

* dedicated to those few people who are oh-so-very special to me. 
You know who you are... male and female, I can count you on
one hand.  I love each of you!!