Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Joke - Bubba Calls 911...

Bubba Calls 911

Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I
drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there... "

Monday, June 29, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak
for a year and a half."
- Gracie Allen

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch
with your children."
- J. Paul Getty

"Income tax has made more liars out of the
American people than golf."
- Will Rogers
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman

"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees,
then names the streets after them."
- Bill Vaughan
"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule,
and on every side of a fool."
- Edgar Watson Howe

"I gave my cat a bath the other day... they love it.
He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me.
The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that... "
- Steve Martin
"I took a test in Existentialism.
I left all the answers blank and got 100."
- Woody Allen

"Middle age is when your age starts to show
around your middle."
- Bob Hope
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- Whitney Brown
"I got a lotta best friends.
Some o' them I don't even hardly know!"
- Archie Bunker, All In The Family
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full,
and scratch where it itches."
- Wallis Warfield Simpson, Duchess of Windsor,
when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Quotes and a Verse on Trees...

Quotes and a Verse on Trees

" ...let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them. Then all the trees
of the forest will sing for joy; they will sing before the Lord."
- Psalm 96:12-13
"God is the experience of looking at a tree and saying, 'Ah!'"
- Joseph Campbell
"The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others
only a green thing which stands in their way."
- William Blake
"I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow
to keep an appointment with a beech-tree, or a yellow birch,
or an old acquaintance among the pines."
- Henry David Thoreau
"Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps
a singing bird will come."
- A Chinese Proverb
"I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way
they have to live than other things do."
- Willa Cather
"Do not be afraid to go out on a limb... That's where the fruit is."
- Author Unknown
"I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree, and climb black
branches up a snow-white trunk. Toward heaven, till the tree
could bear no more, but dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."
- Robert Frost
"Breeze is the conductor, trees the musicians,
leaves the instruments."
- Nathaniel LeTonnerre
"I love a crooked tree more than I hate a crooked man."
- Frank Kramer
"A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning
of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows
full well he will never sit."
- Elton Trueblood
"Trees are your best antiques."
- Alexander Smith

"As the poet said, 'only God can make a tree' - probably because
it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
- Woody Allen
"I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree."
- Joyce Kilmer, "Trees", 1914

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Joke - Frog or Princess?...

Frog or Princess?

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Friday, June 26, 2009

Joke - The End is Near...

The End is Near

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and
Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the
road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the
ground, that read:

"Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do ya tink maybe DA sign
should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"

Native American Quotes and Proverbs...

Native American Quotes and Proverbs

" ...everything on the earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it,
and every person a mission. This is the Indian theory of existence."
- Mourning Dove Salish
"I was warmed by the sun, rocked by the winds and sheltered by the trees
as other Indian babes. I can go everywhere with a good feeling."
- Geronimo, Chiracahua Apache
"If you talk to the animals they will talk with you and you will know
each other. If you do not talk to them you will not know them and what
you do not know, you will fear. What one fears, one destroys."
- Chief Dan George
"Do not judge your neighbor until you walk two moons in his moccasins."
- A Cheyenne Proverb
"One finger cannot lift a pebble."
- A Hopi Proverb
"You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep."
- A Navajo Proverb
"We learned to be patient observers like the owl.
We learned cleverness from the crow, and courage from the jay,
who will attack an owl ten times its size to drive it off its territory.
But above all of them ranked the chickadee because of its
indomitable spirit."
- Tom Brown, Jr., The Tracker
"The land is sacred. These words are at the core of your being.
The land is our mother, the rivers our blood. Take our land away
and we die. That is, the Indian in us dies."
- Mary Brave Bird
"The frog does not drink up the pond in which he lives."
- A Native American Proverb

"When it comes time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled
with the fear of death, so when their time comes they weep and pray for
a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."
- Chief Aupumut, Mohican
"You already possess everything necessary to become great."
- A Crow Proverb
"Tell me and I’ll forget. Show me and I may not remember.
Involve me and I’ll understand."
- A Native American Proverb
"We will be known forever by the tracks we leave."
- A Dakota Proverb

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Two funnies...

Ask The Blonde

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,



I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup
had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat resting, and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Funny - New Dog Breeds...

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamut + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn`t matter anyway

Collie + Malamut =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derrier, a dog that`s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Oh, never mind...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be A Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
* The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
* Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this... "
* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
* One of your kids was born on a pool table.
* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
The House of Tattoos.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls that say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel,
and a comedy for those who think."
- Jean De La Bruyre
"When we talk to God, we're praying.
When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
- Jane Wagner
"Some people are like Slinkies -
not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there
to appreciate it."
- Franklin P. Jones
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
when you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein
"Always get married early in the morning. That way,
if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
- Mickey Rooney

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase
"Swearing was invented as a compromise between
running away and fighting."
- Finley Peter Dunne
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age."
- Lucille Ball
"Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having
a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone."
- Jim Fiebig
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
- Don Kardong

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Serenity Quotes and a Verse...

Serenity Quotes and a Verse

"Be still and know that I am God."
- Psalms 46:10

"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time;
serenity, that nothing is."
- Thomas S. Szasz
"Serenity is not freedom from the storm,
but peace amid the storm."
- Author Unknown
"Cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind,
and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity."
- Joseph Addison
"It is more important to know where you are going
than to get there quickly."
- Mabel Newcomber
"A quiet conscience makes one so serene."
- Lord Byron
"The only thing I was trying to portray was serenity.
Also, innocence, vulnerability and elegance."
- Sylvia Kristel
"Every breath we take, every step we take, can be filled with peace,
joy, and serenity. The question is whether or not we are in touch
with it. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment."
- Thich Nhat Hanh
"When we sip tea, we are on our way to serenity."
- Alexandra Stoddard
"If you have time to chatter,
Read books.
If you have time to read,
Walk into mountain, desert and ocean.
If you have time to walk,
Sing songs and dance.
If you have time to dance,
Sit quietly, you happy, lucky idiot."
- Nanao Sakaki
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Joke - Keep Walking...

Keep Walking

An eight year-old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls
over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the
car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy
you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

"Look," he says to the driver, "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to
live with it!"

Friday, June 19, 2009

Summer Quotes...

Summer Quotes

"In summer, the song sings itself."
- William C. Williams

"Ah, summer - what power you have to make us suffer and like it."
- Russell Baker

"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing,
the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent

"Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability."
- Sam Keen

"Dirty hands, iced tea, garden fragrances thick in the air and a blanket
of color before me, who could ask for more?"
- Bev Adams

"What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual
state of inelegance."
- Jane Austen

"No bought potpourri is so pleasant as that made from ones own garden,
for the petals of the flowers one has gathered at home hold the sunshine
and memories of summer, and of past summers only the sunny days
should be remembered."
- Eleanor Sinclair-Rhode

"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees
on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching
the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time."
- John Lubbock

"What a beautiful, sunny morning. It makes you happy to be alive,
doesn't it? We can't let the sun outshine us! We have to beam, too!"
- Takayuki Ikkaku

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the two most beautiful words in the English language."
- Henry James

"Oh the summer night
Has a smile of light
And she sits on a sapphire throne."
- Barry Cornwall

"A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."
- St. Francis of Assisi

"Be like the flower, turn your face to the sun."
- Kahlil Gibran

"To believe in life is to believe there will always be someone who will
water the geraniums."
- Flavia

Thursday, June 18, 2009

More dad humor...

Short Jokes for Father's Day

"Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?"
"But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!"
"Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"


Little Johnny: "Dad, can I go to the bathroom?"
Dad: "Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?"
Little Johnny: "But I asked first!"


When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a
horse, writing something. "What on earth are you doing there?"
he asked.

"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal.
That's why I'm here and that's why Susie's sitting in the
goldfish bowl!"


Five-year-old Joey was in the bath tub, and his dad was washing
his hair. He said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You
need a haircut again."

Little Joey replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much!"


Father: "I hear you skipped school to play football."
Son: "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!"

On Dad... Through the Years

4 years: My Daddy can do anything!
7 years: My Dad knows a lot…a whole lot.
8 years: My father does not know quite everything.
12 years: Oh well, naturally Father does not know that either.
14 years: Oh, Father? He is hopelessly old-fashioned.
21 years: Oh, that man-he is out of date!
25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.
30 years: I must find out what Dad thinks about it.
35 years: Before we decide, we will get Dad's idea first.
50 years: What would Dad have thought about that?
60 years: My Dad knew literally everything!
65 years: I wish I could talk it over with Dad once more.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

More Father jokes...

Father Bragging

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes
eight people to collect all the money!”


I Could Use a Little Money

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like,
you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately
replies by sending a letter back...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge
is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Joke - Not in Texas Anymore...

I will be posting funnies dedicated to dads for the rest
of the week! Hope you all enjoy! Hugs, Val =)

Not in Texas Anymore...

A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased
his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took
him on a tour of the property.

Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road
in front of them.

The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried,
"What in tarnation is that?!"

The son incredulously replied, "That's a jack rabbit, Dad, what did you
think it was?"

The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger back home in

So they went on and a little farther they came to a few buffalo roaming
the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a
puzzled tone, "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin' me,
you really don't recognize them?"

The father answered, "Well, I guess they are kind of familiar - it's just that
we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. They approached a low part
in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle
lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and
said, "Now what on earth is that thing?!"

Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick... "

Monday, June 15, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes for Father's Day...

Fun and Funny Quotes for Father's Day

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated,
let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any
fathering situation, he has a fifty-percent chance of being right."
- Bill Cosby

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most
is "soap-on-a-rope."
- Bill Cosby

"I'm so ugly, my father carries around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet."
- Rodney Dangerfield

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”
- Author Unknown

"A father is a banker provided by nature."
- A French Proverb

"Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents."
- Margaret Mead

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder,
and violence every single day should be avoided entirely,
but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
- Phyllis Diller

"When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon,
'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered,
'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'"
- Jerry Lewis

"When Charles first saw our child Mary,
he said all the proper things for a new father.
He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted,
'She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge.'"
- Helen Hayes

"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you
at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby
on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up
home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain,
you gotta call the game and start all over again."
- Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby

"Every mother generally hopes that her daughter
will snag a better husband than she managed to do...
but she's certain that her boy will never get as great
a wife as his father did."
- Author Unknown

"A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to
look like his father."
- Gabriel Garcia Márquez

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Quotes and a Verse for Father's Day...

Quotes and a Verse for Father's Day

"Honor thy father and thy mother."
- Matthew 19:19
"It is a wise father that knows his own child."
- William Shakespeare
"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand
to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished
at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
- Mark Twain
"One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters."
- George Herbert
"Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance."
- Ruth E. Renkel

"Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad."
- Anne Geddes
"When a father gives to his son, both laugh;
when a son gives to his father, both cry."
- A Jewish Proverb
"Are we not like two volumes of one book?"
- Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

"One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God,
Make me the kind of man my daddy is. Later that night, the father
prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be."
- Author Unknown

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for
a father's protection."
- Sigmund Freud
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to
love their mother."
- Henry Ward Beecher
"By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right,
he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."
- Charles Wadsworth
"It doesn't matter who my father was;
it matters who I remember he was."
- Anne Sexton

Idea: I will be posting fun and funny dad quotes tomorrow.
Why not print out these quotes and/or tomorrow's and tuck
into your dad's card for Father's Day. Val =)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Two fun games...

Here are a couple of fun (and addictive) games to help you waste your
weekend. If you are able, let me know how you did by leaving a comment.
Starting tomorrow, I will have a week's worth of Father's Day quotes and
jokes and inspiration. I hope you all enjoy! Hugs, Val =)

Whack the Penguin

Shoot the Sheep

Friday, June 12, 2009

Quotes On Complimenting Others...

Quotes On Complimenting Others

"If people did not compliment one another there would be little society."
- Marquis De Vauvenargues

"Helping others' confidence is the greatest gift anyone can give... a sincere,
well deserved compliment has greater purchasing power than money."
- Rev Dale Turner

"A compliment is verbal sunshine"
- Robert Orben

"Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are.
That is the difference between the sexes."
- Oscar Wilde

"There are only three things women need in life:
food, water, and compliments."
- Chris Rock

"Become abundant with your compliments to others. We're all so fragile,
especially when we put on a brave face. A sincere compliment can
penetrate beneath even the most sophisticated masks to soothe troubled
- Sarah Ban Breathnach

"We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled."
- Mason Cooley

"Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone."
- Arab Proverb

"An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one’s self respect."
- Mark Twain

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."
- Mark Twain

"A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil."
- Victor Hugo

"Remember, man does not live on bread alone:
sometimes he needs a little buttering up."
- John C. Maxwell

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Joke - The Hypnotist...

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the old folk's home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old people's home...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Joke - Get Away From My Deer...

Get Away From My Deer

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag
the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of
coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed
in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to
take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife
safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful
aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag
an elephant, much less a deer. Not ten minutes passed when he was
startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As he got closer to her stand, Jake heard Alice
screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard
her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a
guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously
distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let
me get my saddle off it!"

Monday, June 8, 2009

Funny Yogi Berra Quotes...

Funny Yogi Berra Quotes

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting.
I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats.
After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting,
how can I get mad at myself?"

"Baseball is 90% mental - the other half is physical."

"I always thought that record would stand
until it was broken."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because
I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia.
Let them walk to school like I did."

"He hits from both sides of the plate.
He's amphibious."

"I think Little League is wonderful.
It keeps the kids out of the house."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"Why buy good luggage?
You only use it when you travel."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train,
so I left early."

"This is like deja-vu all over again."

"If you don't know where you're going,
you will wind up somewhere else."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A Funny - Redneck Ten Commandments...

According to a reader (thank you!) Cross Trails, TN does not exist.
Although I have seen this particular set of Ten Commandments read
on You Tube. I don't know who the original author is. I would give
credit if I could. If anyone knows, please let me know. Thanks! Val =)

Redneck Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN)

Some people have trouble with all those 'shalls and shall nots' in
the Ten Commandments...

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee
they translated the 'King James' into Jackson County language.. no joke!

Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN...

1. Just one God
2. Put nothin' before God
3. Watch yer mouth
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
5. Honor yer Ma & Pa
6. No killin'
7. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
8. Don't take what ain't yers
9. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day.

Inner Beauty Quotes and a Verse...

Inner Beauty Quotes and a Verse

"Let your beauty not be external by the braiding of hair and wearing
of gold jewelry - but the inner person of the heart, the lasting beauty
of a gentle and tranquil spirit, which is precious in God's sight."
- 1 Peter 3: 3-4

“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes.
It is not something physical."
- Sophia Loren

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."
- Kahlil Gibran

"People who possess a true inner beauty, their eyes are a little brighter,
their skin a little more dewy. They vibrate at a different frequency."
- Cameron Diaz

"A person is only beautiful, when their own beauty,
is reflecting on to others."
- Tara Grady

"People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine
when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty
is revealed only if there is a light within."
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty -
they merely move it from their faces into their hearts."
- Martin Buxbaum

"Inner sunshine warms not only the heart of the owner,
but all who come in contact with it."
- Author Unknown

"It is only with the heart that one can see clearly,
for the most essential things are invisible to the eye."
- Antoine de Saint Exupery

"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched,
they must be felt with the heart."
- Helen Keller

"The recipe for beauty is to have less illusion and more soul,
to retreat from the belief of pain or pleasure in the body into the
unchanging calm and glorious freedom of spiritual harmony."
- Mary Baker Eddy

"The beautiful remains so in ugly surroundings."
- Chazal

"Joy is the best makeup."
- Anne Lamott

Friday, June 5, 2009

Leisure Quotes...

Leisure Quotes

"What we do during our working hours determines what we have;
what we do in our leisure hours determines what we are."
- George Eastman

"The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play."
- Arnold Toynbee
"Leisure is a form of silence, not noiselessness. It is the silence of
contemplation such as occurs when we let our minds rest on a rosebud, a
child at play, a Divine mystery, or a waterfall."
- Fulton J. Sheen
"All intellectual improvement arises from leisure."
- Samuel Johnson
"Leisure is the Mother of Philosophy."
- Thomas Hobbes
"The best test of the quality of a civilization is the quality of its leisure."
- Irwin Edman
"It is well to lie fallow for awhile."
- Martin Tupper

"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
- Sydney J. Harris

"The end of labor is to gain leisure."
- Aristotle

"The true object of all human life is play.
Earth is a task garden; Heaven is a playground."
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

"They talk of the dignity of work. Bosh. The dignity is in leisure."
- Herman Melville
"If you are losing your leisure, look out; you may be losing your soul."
- Logan P. Smith
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a
rainy Sunday afternoon."
- Susan Ertz

"Few women and fewer men have enough character to be idle."
- E. V. Lucas

"The real problem of leisure time is how to keep others from using yours."
- Arthur Lacey
"A poor life this if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare."
- William Henry Davies

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Joke - Mujibar and AOL...

Mujibar and AOL

Mujibar was trying to get a job with AOL in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words
yellow, pink,
and green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager,
I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes
green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Joke - Bungee Jumping...

Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know,
we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy
everything they'll need: tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc...

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and
comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and
is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?"

The first guy replies, "No, the cord was fine.... What the heck is a pinata?"

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Joke - Dear Bubba...

Dear Bubba
(A Redneck Letter)

Dear Bubba, This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you
can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read
in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so
well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three
days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took
him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I
don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he
fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were
in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mama

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

For Cat Lovers...

For Cat Lovers

=^..^= An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

=^..^= Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

=^..^= At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

=^..^= Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play
with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

=^..^= Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make
it look like the dog did it.

=^..^= Cat rule: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

=^..^= Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments,
but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

=^..^= Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

=^..^= Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

=^..^= Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where
to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

=^..^= Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

=^..^= Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

=^..^= Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

=^..^= Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

=^..^= Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

=^..^= I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!"