More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

Redneck Thanksgiving...

You Might Be Having A Redneck Thanksgiving If...

You're dinner is on a ping-pong table.

The meal is squirrel and dumplings.

You're re-using paper plates.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they

all say Cool Whip on the side.

You're using your ironing board as a buffet table.

You have to decide which pet to eat for

your Thanksgiving meal.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best cups have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from

the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table

is ketchup.

Your side dishes include beef jerky and

moon pies.

You have to go outside to get something from

the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off

the paved road".

Pork and beans are your "gourmet food".

You're using an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You're using an illegal, secret family recipe.

You're serving Vienna Sausages for appetizers.

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

 You hid Easter eggs under cow pies last year.

 Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".

 You've got more than one brother named Darryl.

 Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

 You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

 Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.

 You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 You have plastic flowers in a bathroom fixture in your
front yard.

 You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's
a law against it.

 Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

 Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's
forehead, and it works!

 You leave beer and pickled pig's feet for Santa.

 You spelled something wrong out in Christmas lights.

 You go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect
your sister.

 You have a deer head anywhere in your vehicle.

Can you add any?

More of You Might be a Redneck If...

You Might be a Redneck If...

* On stag night, you take a real deer.
* You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
* Your back porch is bigger than your house.
* There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your
cowboy hat.
* An expired license plate means another decoration
for your living room wall.
* You think 'Old Yeller' is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
* You watch 'Little House on the Prairie' for decorating tips.
* Your secret family recipe is illegal.
* You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl.
* You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.
* You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home.
* You have visitation rights to a dog.
* Your voice changed while you were in the second grade.
* Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place".
* You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.
* Your taxidermist also does your taxes.
* You love lard sandwiches.
* You've ever let your dog babysit your kids.
* Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
* Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
* You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at
your bug zapper.
* Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.
* There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in
your yard.
* Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.
* You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.
* You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.
* You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
* You've used a barstool as a walker.
* You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him
fresh water.
* You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep
your hats.
* You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.
* Your favorite recipe includes Vienna Sausages.

Which one made you laugh the hardest? Can you add any?

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
* Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
* You paint your car with house paint.
* Stealing road signs is a family outing.
* Fancy eating-out involves drivin' to the next window.
* You have ever financed a tattoo.
* Your side-by-side refrigerator consist of two Igloo coolers.
* Your child's first pet was a chicken.
* You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
* You have more guns than teeth.
* Your baby's first words were "Attention, KMart shoppers".
* You use your belt buckle as identification.
* Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* You've ever used your fishing license as a form of identification.
* You missed your graduation because your kids were sick.
* You refer to fifth grade as "my senior year".
* Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor.
* You mow your lawn and find three junk cars under the weeds.
* Your youngest kid calls you "Uncle Daddy".
* Your church cancels services when deer hunting season opens.
* You trace your family tree and find that somehow
you are your own grandpa.
* You own 5 cars, but only one of them runs.
* Your cousin buys a new house and you have to go help
take the wheels off of it.

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be A Redneck If...

* You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
* The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
* Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this... "
* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
* One of your kids was born on a pool table.
* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
The House of Tattoos.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls that say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

A Funny - 'Twas the Night After Christmas (Rated PG)

'Twas the Night After Christmas (Rated PG)
by Jeff Foxworthy


'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was
staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He
yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just
what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm
here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent
New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had
been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of
them UFOs. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbor Red.


Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on
Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this
feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was
out bowlin'. So I yelled, 'Drop fat boy, hands in the air!' But he went about his business like he
hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort, 'That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.'"

You Might Be A Redneck...

You Might Be a Redneck...

...if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

...if you were just married and had nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you left the church.

...if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it.

...if you wife fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”

...if your gunrack has a gunrack.

...if your best china says "Cool Whip" on it.

...if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

...if your house has more miles on it than your car.

...if anyone in your family died right after saying, ''Hey, y'all watch this!''

Joke - You Could Be A Redneck If...

You Could Be A Redneck If...

* You have more fingers than you do teeth.
* You cut your grass and find a car.
* You consider Denny's a fancy restaurant.
* Your best suit contains more than 5 colors.
* Your age is higher than your I.Q..
* Your favorite pickup line is:
"Does this look infected to you?"
* You ask your wife whether the spot
on your neck is a boil or a mole
and she replies, "It's a gummy bear."
* You have a family reunion and
everyone in town shows up.
* You say, "Watch this!" prior
to each hospital visit.
* Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
* You can entertain yourself for more than
an hour with a fly swatter.
* You've ever been pumping gas and another
customer asks you to check his oil.
* You think the Bud Bowl is real.
* Your dog goes "oink!"
* You think the Nutcracker is something
you did off the high dive.
* Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
* You know how to milk a goat.
* Your kids have three-day
old Kool-Aid mustaches.
* Your TV gets 512 channels, but you
go outside to use the bathroom.
* Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
* You have a refrigerator just for beer.
* You come back from the dump
with more than you took.
* Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
* You've ever worn cowboy boots
with Bermuda shorts.
* You don't think baseball players
spit and scratch too much.
* You think the Styrofoam cooler is the
greatest invention of all time.