Monday, August 31, 2009

Funny, Inaccurate Predictions...

Funny, Inaccurate Predictions

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, IBM, 1943
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olsen, Digital Equipment Corp, 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union Memo, 1876
"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.
We have plenty of messenger boys."
- Sir William Preece, British Post Office, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio, 1920s
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
- Lee DeForest, inventor
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
"It will be years - not in my time -
before a woman will become Prime Minister."
- Margaret Thatcher, 1974
"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy
will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom
would have to be shattered at will."
- Albert Einstein, 1932
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon
(appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873)
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor, Yale University, 1929

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dog Quotes and a Verse...

Dog Quotes and a Verse

"A righteous man cares for the needs
of his animal... "
- Proverbs 12:10
"Dogs are not our whole life,
but they make our lives whole."
- Roger Caras
"My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet."
- Edith Wharton
"The dog is a gentleman;
I hope to go to his heaven, not man's."
- Mark Twain
"Dogs are the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures;
they give unconditional love.
For me they are the role model for being alive."
- Gilda Radner
"Dogs have given us their absolute all.
We are the center of their universe.
We are the focus of their love and faith and trust.
They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt
the best deal man has ever made."
- Roger Caras
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like
a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"Happiness is a warm puppy."
- Charles M. Schulz
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked
in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"Dogs lives are too short. Their only fault, really."
- Agnes Sligh Turnbull
"Every dog has his day -
but the nights are reserved for the cats."
- Author Unknown
"I named my dog Stay so I can say,
'Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.'"
- Steven Wright
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
- Tommy Cooper

Friday, August 28, 2009

Happiness Quotes (Part 2)...

Happiness Quotes

(Part 2)

"Happiness depends upon ourselves."
- Aristotle
"Very little is needed to make a happy life."
- Marcus Aurelius Antonius
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say,
and what you do are in harmony."
- Mahatma Gandhi
"Growth itself contains the germ of happiness."
- Pearl S. Buck

"True happiness is of a retired nature, and an
enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place,
from the enjoyment of one's self, and in the next from the
friendship and conversation of a few select companions."
- Joseph Addison
"Slow down and enjoy life.
It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast -
you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."
- Eddie Cantor
"Happiness often sneaks in through a door
you didn't know you left open."
- John Barrymore
"There is only one happiness in life,
to love and be loved."
- George Sand
"The truth which has made us free will
in the end make us glad also."
- Felix Adler
"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."
- J. D. Salinger
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."
- Rita Mae Brown

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Two short jokes...

Heaven's Orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
All are asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
I was one of the great doctors of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them
say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"


Cross-Eyed Rotweiler

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Joke - Wal-Mart Shopping...

Wal-Mart Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a
case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in
the basket.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

Moments later on the PA system: “Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.”

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A Funny - God's Favorite Creature...

God's Favorite Creature

God's favorite creature must be the female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep
for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children
(who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Funny Famous Last Words...

Funny Famous Last Words

"I can't sleep."
- J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan
"Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose."
- Marie Antoinette, said to her executioner as she went
to the guillotine after stepping on his foot
"Wait a minute... "
- Pope Alexander VI, talking to God
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."
- Humphrey Bogart
"Now why did I do that?"
- General William Erskine, after jumping from
a window in Lisbon, Portugal
"Am I dying or is it my birthday?"
- Nancy Astor
"Take a step forward, lads - it'll be easier that way."
- Robert Erskine Childers, to his firing squad
"It's stopped."
- Joseph Henry Green, when checking his own pulse

"Drink to me!"
- Pablo Picasso
"Now I shall go to sleep, goodnight."
- Lord Byron
"Please put out the light."
- Theodore Roosevelt

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fun, new feature, play along!...

My sister, Krissy, is starting a new feature/game in her blog today.
Please support her by visiting and participating! It's fun and so very
easy!! Thanks for giving us this fun feature, Krissy!!

Click link below to visit her by clicking the link below.
Thanks!! Val =)

Krissy's Ugliest Sheep Contest

Quotes and a Verse on Life and Living...

Quotes and a Verse on Life and Living

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else,
and live righteously, and He will give you
everything you need."
- Matthew 6:33
"It's faith in something and enthusiasm for
something that makes life worth living."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
"Forget mistakes. Forget failures.
Forget everything except what you're going to do
now and do it. Today is your lucky day."
- Will Durant
"We must let go of the life we planned,
so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
- Joseph Campbell
"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."
- William Shakespeare
"The Noah Rule: Predicting rain doesn't count;
building arks does."
- Warren Buffet
"The most pathetic person in the world is someone
who has sight but has no vision."
- Helen Keller
"Always do what you are afraid to do."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept
anything but the best, you very often get it."
- William Somerset Maugham
"The shoe that fits one person pinches another;
there is no recipe for living that suits all cases."
- Carl Gustav Jung
"Be content with what you have,
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you."
- Lao Tzu
"Life isn't all beer and skittles."
- Thomas Hughes

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Funny - Cows...

This is an oldie, but goody - economy explained in cows... It is one of my
favorite funnies of all time. I hope it is new to you and gives you some
laughter. Have a lovely weekend, everyone!! Val =


- You have 2 cows.
- You give one to your neighbor.

- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and gives you some milk.

- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and sells you some milk.

- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and shoots you.

- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
and then throws the milk away...

Traditional Capitalism
- You have two cows.
- You sell one and buy a bull.
- Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
- You sell them and retire on the income.

- You have two giraffes.
- The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
- Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A French Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
- You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it

A German Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation
- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
- You decide to have lunch.

A Russian Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You count them and learn you have five cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
- You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation
- You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
- You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You have 300 people milking them.
- You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
- You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You worship them.

A British Corporation
- You have two cows.
- Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation
- Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
- You tell them that you have none.
- No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.
- You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

An Irish Corporation
- You have two cows.
- Business seems pretty good.
- You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A New Zealand Corporation
- You have two cows.
- The one on the left looks very attractive

Friday, August 21, 2009

Happiness Quotes...

Happiness Quotes

"The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions,
not our circumstances."
- Martha Washington

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination."
- Roy M. Goodman
"I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace -
a connection to what matters."
- Oprah Winfrey
"Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness.
It is not attained through self-gratification,
but through fidelity to a worthy purpose."
- Helen Keller
"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
- HH The Dalai Lama
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
- Mark Twain
"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity.
These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway,
the good they do is inconceivable."
- Joseph Addison
"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply,
to think freely, to risk life, to be needed."
- Storm Jameson
"I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an axis of suffering;
surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy!"
- Louise Bogan
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."
- Margaret Bonnano
"Happiness, it seems to me, consists of two things:
first, in being where you belong, and second - and best -
in comfortably going through everyday life, that is, having had
a good night's sleep and not being hurt by new shoes."
- Theodor Fontane
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

Of the quotes listed above, do you have a favorite? Why?
I collected tons of happiness quotes, so I will have
'Happiness part 2' next Friday... enjoy your weekend,
everyone! Val =)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Joke - Talking Dog...

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English,"
he claims to the unimpressed agent.

The guys says to his dog, "What's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on... " the talent agent responds, "all dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog,
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" barks the dog.

The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Joke - Never Hire a Man to do a Woman's Job...

Never Hire a Man to Do a Woman's Job...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard
to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can
even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training, and testing,
they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one
position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man, with a shocked look on his face, said, "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said a CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained
to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun
and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the
room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out
of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door
and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no
matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door was even closed,
the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then
they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several
minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman...

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Tuesday, August 18, 2009



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in their craft it
sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Q: What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.


Q: Why did the golfer bring two pair of pants to the game?
A: In case he got a whole in one.


There was a man who entered the local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.


A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams.
First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and
announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... A super
callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Stephen Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?"
- Stephen Wright
"Every speaker has a mouth;
An arrangement rather neat.
Sometimes it's filled with wisdom.
Sometimes it's filled with feet."
- Robert Orben
"Always borrow money from a pessimist,
he doesn't expect to be paid back."
- Author Unknown
"Friends: people who borrow my books
and set wet glasses on them."
- Edwin Arlington Robinson
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his
wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
- Erma Bombeck
"The best way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once."
- E. Joseph Cossman
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have
a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
- Andy Rooney
"Everything is funny as long as it is
happening to someone else."
- Will Rogers
"A horse may be coaxed to drink,
but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel
"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility,
there are so few of us left."
- Oscar Levant
"Cheer up. The worst is yet to come."
- Mark Twain

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Angel Quotes and a Verse...

Angel Quotes and a Verse

"Do not forget to entertain strangers,
for by so doing some people have entertained
angels without knowing it."
- Hebrews 13:2
"Angels descending, bring from above,
Echoes of mercy, whispers of love."
- Fanny J. Crosby
"Philosophy will clip an angel’s wings."
- John Keats
"If an angel were to tell us something of his philosophy,
I do believe some of his propositions would sound like 2 x 2 = 13."
- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"You’ll meet more angels on a winding path than on a straight one."
- Daisey Verlaef
"If you can’t hear the angels, try quieting the static of worry."
- Valentine Sterling
"Angels are all around us, all the time, in the very air we breathe."
- Elias Freeman
"Pay attention to your dreams -
God’s angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep."
- Elias Freeman
"When babies look beyond you and giggle, maybe they’re seeing angels."
- Elias Freeman
"Then cherish pity, lest you drive an angel from your door."
- William Blake
"We are each of us angels with only one wing,
and we can only fly by embracing one another."
- Lucretius
"'Tis strange what a man may do and a woman yet think
him an angel."
- William Makepeace Thackeray

Saturday, August 15, 2009


This is the last installment of the Christian cartoons I have gathered
from I may post more in the future. I hope you
are having a nice weekend, wherever you are =)! Hugs, Val xox

Christian Cartoons

Friday, August 14, 2009

Inspirational Quotes...

Inspirational Quotes

"If we wait for the moment when everything,
absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin."
- Ivan Turgenev

"Take the first step in faith.
You don’t have to see the whole staircase,
just take the first step."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Do not go where the path may lead;
go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Limitations live only in our minds.
But if we use our imaginations,
our possibilities become limitless."
- Jamie Paolinetti
"The value of an idea lies in the using of it."
- Thomas Alva Edison
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought."
- Buddha
"To teach is great, but to inspire is divine."
- Vikas Khanna
"Once you choose hope, anything’s possible."
- Christopher Reeve
"Remember the storm is a good opportunity for the pine
and the cypress to show their strength and their stability."
- Ho Chi Minh
"Rest but never quit.
Even the sun has a sinking spell each evening.
But it always rises the next morning. At sunrise,
every soul is born again.
- Author Unknown
"Life is either daring adventure or nothing."
- Helen Keller
"We are all in the gutter,
but some of us are looking at the stars."
- Oscar Wilde

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Substitute Teacher

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new
substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against
a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of
his locker."


Belly Buttons Explained

Q: How do babies get their bellly buttons?

A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row.
Then He walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the
tummy with His finger and says, "Your'e done... you're done...
you're done... "

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Funny Video...

If you need a good laugh today, watch this! It's long,
but you will laugh through the entire thing...

Click link below to view video.

Joke - Driving Through Texas...

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down
the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “Why’d you do that?"

The trooper answers, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your
license ready.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him
with the nightstick.

Startled, the passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop replies, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say,
"I wish that sucker would’ve tried that stuff with me!"

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Joke - Overturned Wagon...

Overturned Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. A farmer, who
lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget
your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like
me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but
I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes
about the traveling salesman."
- Carey Williams
"To be a successful father there's one absolute rule:
when you have a kid, don't look at it for two years."
- Ernest Hemingway
"If you keep making jokes like that,
somebody is going to shoot you, father."
- Mary Todd Lincoln
"Every person is responsible for his own looks after 40."
- Abraham Lincoln
"If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder."
- Pope John Paul I
"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things
go and duct tape to make them stop."
- G. Weilacher
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
- George Carlin
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
- George Carlin
"A woman must have money and room of her own
if she is to write fiction."
- Virginia Woolf
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs,
was it a joke?"
- Stephen Wright
"A joke without a point, inane and bald,
itself a joke on joking may be called."
- Menander of Athens

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying."

- Woody Allen
"I am a zizzer zazzer zuzz as you can plainly see."
- Theodor Geisel, Dr. Seuss

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A Funny - How to Prepare for a Puppy...

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot
in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had its toes shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying,
"Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, let's go!"

Cover all your best clothes with dog hair - for dark clothes you must use
white hair and for light clothes you must use dark.

Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. Also put some hair
in everything that you cook! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!

Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy
will drag it anyway... especially when company is coming.

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to
the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you
get home from work in the evening.

Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver...
it's going to get chewed on anyway.

Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard.
Then go out in the early AM and step in a few. Try not to break anything.

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it
around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls
asleep on your lap.

Quotes and Verses on Jesus...

Quotes and Verses on Jesus

“Greater love has no one than this,
than to lay down one's life for his friends.”
- John 15:13
“For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize
with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are,
yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
- Hebrews 4:15-16
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!"
- Joan of Arc
"I need Christ,
not something that resembles Him."
- C. S. Lewis
"Christ is not valued at all unless He is valued above all."
- Saint Augustine
"If you were the only person on earth,
Christ would have still suffered and died for you."
- Augustine of Hippo
"All that I am I owe to Jesus Christ,
revealed to me in His divine Book."
- David Livingstone
"Jesus says, 'I love you just the way you are.
And I love you too much to stay the way you are.'"
- Chris Lyons
"To endure the cross is not tragedy. It is the suffering which
is the fruit of an exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
"God will not ask me how many Pro Bowls I was in.
He will ask me if I knew Jesus."
- Reggie White
"I asked Jesus how much He loved me. He replied, 'This much,'
as He stretched out His arms and died."
- Author Unknown

Friday, August 7, 2009

Determination Quotes...

Determination Quotes

''The difference between the possible and the impossible
lies in a person's determination."
- Tommy Lasorda
"Little by little one walks far."
- A Peruvian Proverb
"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles,
discouragement, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things,
distinguishes the strong from the weak."
- Thomas Carlyle
"To him who is determined it remains only to act."
- An Italian Proverb

"You have to learn the rules of the game.
And then you have to play better than anyone else."
- Albert Einstein
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal:
it is the courage to continue that counts."
- Winston Churchill
"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people
with talent. Genius will not: unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve
the problems of the human race."
- Calvin Coolidge
"Determine that the thing can and shall be done,
and then we shall find the way."
- Abraham Lincoln

"The surest way to fail is not to determine to succeed."
- Richard Sheridan
"When a person really desires something,
all the universe conspires to help that
person realize his dream."
- Paulo Coelho
"Experience is determined by yourself -
not the circumstances of your life."
- Gita Bellin
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just
look at what they can do when they stick together."

- Vesta Kelly
"I put a piece of paper under my pillow,
and when I could not sleep, I wrote in the dark."
- Henry David Thoreau

"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Joke - Trip to Rome...

Trip to Rome

A woman was at her hairdressers getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome! So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline!
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late! So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope!"

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The
hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful!" explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot!"

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!? What'd he say?"

He said, "Who messed up your hair?"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Joke - Male vs. Female at ATM...

Male vs. Female at the ATM Machine

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures
have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps
for your gender.'

Male Procedure:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


Female Procedure:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to
align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto
passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due
to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place
receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place
card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Joke - Happily Married Couple...

Happily Married Couple

A married couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.
They were famous in the city for not having a single conflict in all of
their 25 years of married life. Local newspaper editors had gathered
at the occasion to find out the secret of their well-known,
“happy marriage”.

An editor present said, “Sir, it's amazing! How did you make
this possible?”

The husband recalled an incident on his honeymoon saying, “We chose
to go horse-back riding. My horse was behaving well, but the horse on
which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. While passing me,
her horse jumped suddenly, toppling her over. Recovering her position
from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said, 'This is your
first time.'"

"She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a
while, it happened again. This time, too, she kept her calm and said,
'This is your second time.' and continued riding."

"When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out a
revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!"

"I shouted at my wife, 'What did you do, you psycho?! You killed the
poor animal! Are you crazy?!'"

"She gave me an evil look and said, 'This is your first time!!!'"

“That’s it. We have been happy ever since."

Monday, August 3, 2009

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I do benefits for all religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
- Bob Hope
"I don't care what is written about me as long as
it isn't true."
- Katherine Hepburn
"I’m cute in gym shorts! I’m slim and trim,
and you’d be impressed – I’ve good calves."
- Larry King
"What fun is being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?"
- Calvin & Hobbes
"Searching is half the fun:
life is much more manageable when thought of as
a scavenger hunt as opposed to a surprise party."
- Jimmy Buffet

"Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
- Woody Allen
"A bargain is something you can’t use
at a price you can’t resist."
- Franklin P. Jones
"I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner
"A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun
of another man's cross-eyed aunt."
- Mark Twain
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
- Mark Twain
"Without geography, you're nowhere."
- Author Unknown
"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long,
difficult words but rather short, easy words like,
'What about lunch?'"
- A. A. Milne, 'Winnie the Pooh'
"If a person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening,
be patient. It may simply be that he has a small
piece of fluff in his ear."
- A. A. Milne, 'Winnie the Pooh'

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Peace of Mind Quotes and a Verse...

Peace of Mind Quotes and a Verse

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding,
shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 4:7

"Success in highest and noblest form calls for peace of mind
and enjoyment and happiness, which comes only to the man
who has found the work he likes best."
- Napoleon Hill
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of
self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become
the best you are capable of becoming."
- John Wooden
"You find that you have peace of mind and can enjoy yourself,
get more sleep and rest, when you know that it was a one hundred
percent effort that you gave - win or lose."
- Gordie Howe
"Other people do not have to change for us to
experience peace of mind."
- Gerald Jampolsky
"When I am able to resist the temptation to judge others,
I can see them as teachers of forgiveness in my life, reminding
me that I can only have peace of mind when I forgive
rather than judge."
- Gerald Jampolsky
"For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe."
- Larry Eisenberg
"There is a wonderful, mythical law of nature that the three
things we crave most in life: happiness, freedom and peace of mind,
are always attained by giving them to someone else."
- Peyton Conway March
"I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy.
From the very core of our being, we desire contentment.
In my own limited experience I have found that the more we
care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of
well-being. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling
for others automatically puts the mind at ease."
- The Dalai Lama
"Two things rob people of their peace of mind:
work unfinished and work not yet begun."
- Author Unknown
"Give up what appears to be doubtful for what is certain.
Truth brings peace of mind, and deception doubt."
- Muhammad Ali
"Dedicate yourself to the good you deserve and desire for yourself.
Give yourself peace of mind. You deserve to be happy.
You deserve delight."
- Hannah Arendt
"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's
peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."
- Author Unknown

Saturday, August 1, 2009


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