A Funny - Church Bulletin Bloopers...

Church Bulletin Bloopers


These sentences (with all the bloopers) actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

<><

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

<><

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

<><

Don't let worry kill you off - Let the Church help.

<><

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

<><

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

<><

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

<><

At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

<><

Eight new choir robes are currently needed
due to the addition of several new members and to
the deterioration of some older ones.

<><

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

<><

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

<><

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

Joke - Farmer Joe and Bessie...

Farmer Joe and Bessie

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine. '?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the... "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted," Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine .'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road... "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he
was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie's groans so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his
gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling?'"

Joke - New Lease on Life...

New Lease on Life

During surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her
bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.

God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in
the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and
collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street,
and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in Heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.

"That’s true," says God.

"So what happened?"

God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Joke - Worst Day of His Life...

Worst Day of His Life

A fellow is sitting at a bar staring at his drink for about a half-hour. A big truck
driver sits on the stool next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another
drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life! First, I overslept and missed
an important meeting with my boss, and he fired me on the spot. Then, I left the
building and found my car was stolen! I caught a cab home, and wouldn't you know
it, I left my wallet in the cab! Finally, I got home to find a note that my wife had
left me."

"So I came to this bar."

"When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison... "

Joke - Three Wishes...

Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up,
he pulls out the cork...

Sure enough, out pops a huge, blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing
me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly there is a flash of light, and a detailed list, with Swiss Bank account
numbers, appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari materializes right before
his eyes.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

Joke - Taking Care of Mama...

Taking Care Of Mama

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together,
they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have
to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely
use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

Joke - Great Sales Technique...

Great Sales Technique

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it! Fifty people swindled!! Fifty people swindled!!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
What he saw was yesterday's paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big
swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it!
Fifty-one people swindled!!"

Joke - Who Wants to be a Millionaire?...

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly she would win $1,000,000. If she
answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it... ?'

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her '50/50 Lifeline' and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'.

All that remained was her 'Phone-a-Friend Lifeline'.

She hoped she would not have to use it because... her friend was... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and
the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one
that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to
do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.'"

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including
the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."

Sally fainted.

Joke - Paddy and Mick...

Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified
as unskilled labor, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

Joke - How is My Cat?...

How Is My Cat?

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's
care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.

"Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me like that!?!"

"How else should I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," explained the bachelor. "For
example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the
roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow
night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back,
but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the
third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my
cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply, "oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire
Department is getting her down."

Growing Old Humor...

Growing Old Humor

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

******

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

******

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

******

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
I have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

******

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

******

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

******

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.

Joke - Eleven On A Rope...

Eleven On A Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. Ten were
men and one was a woman.

The rope was not strong enough to hold all of them, so they decided
that one must leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a
very touching speech.

She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and
kids and for men in general, and was used to always making
sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech...

All the men started clapping.

Joke - Psychiatric Hospital Phone Menu...

Psychiatric Hospital Phone Menu

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu... "

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to the Mother Ship.

* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

* If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

* If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep
or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators
are too busy to talk with you.

* If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.



P.S. I have a mental health diagnosis myself (I am bipolar).
I hope this joke doesn't offend anyone... it is posted in fun. Val =)

Joke - Green Side Up...

Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in
to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she
wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige,
very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next
room. She explains, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but
very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like
blue - a restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once
more he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you
a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window, 'Green side
up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod
across the street."

Joke - Blind Cowboy

Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only
fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman witha black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Joke - Oldies...

Oldies...

Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are
on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies":

Paul Simon... "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon... "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees... "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack... "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash... "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations... "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra... "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA... "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer... "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores... "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem... "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan... "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits... "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival... "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye... "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who... "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs... "Bald Thing"

Thanks for these, Anne =)!!

Two short jokes...

Heaven's Orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
All are asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
I was one of the great doctors of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them
say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

******

Cross-Eyed Rotweiler

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Joke - Wal-Mart Shopping...

Wal-Mart Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a
case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in
the basket.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

Moments later on the PA system: “Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.”

A Funny - God's Favorite Creature...

God's Favorite Creature

God's favorite creature must be the female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep
for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children
(who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.

A Funny - Cows...

This is an oldie, but goody - economy explained in cows... It is one of my
favorite funnies of all time. I hope it is new to you and gives you some
laughter. Have a lovely weekend, everyone!! Val =)



Cows

Socialism
- You have 2 cows.
- You give one to your neighbor.

Communism
- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism
- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism
- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism
- You have 2 cows.
- The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
and then throws the milk away...

Traditional Capitalism
- You have two cows.
- You sell one and buy a bull.
- Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
- You sell them and retire on the income.

Surrealism
- You have two giraffes.
- The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
- Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A French Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,
because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
- You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A German Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation
- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
- You decide to have lunch.

A Russian Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You count them and learn you have five cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
- You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
- You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation
- You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
- You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You have 300 people milking them.
- You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
- You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation
- You have two cows.
- You worship them.

A British Corporation
- You have two cows.
- Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation
- Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
- You tell them that you have none.
- No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.
- You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

An Irish Corporation
- You have two cows.
- Business seems pretty good.
- You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A New Zealand Corporation
- You have two cows.
- The one on the left looks very attractive.