Thursday, July 31, 2008

25 Lines to Make You Smile...

25 Lines To Make You Smile

My husband and I divorced over
religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity;
I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle
on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously;
No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because
the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum
for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot --
Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil: the stuffy-head, sneezy,
spinning medicine.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying
time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and
forget to start again?

Wrinkled was not one of the things
I wanted to be when I grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;
Do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap.
Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's
no background music.

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Weston.

I smile because I don't know
what the heck is going on.

Of all the things I've lost,
I miss my mind the most.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Joke - Bottle of Wine...

Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern New Mexico when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at EVERYTHING she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Joke - Getting Whacked & Bonked

Getting Whacked & Bonked

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "goodness!" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! - the big dude knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He is gone for an hour or so.

When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and -- BONK!! -- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Funny Quotes...

Funny Quotes

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who
stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"

- author unknown

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."

- Oscar Levant

"People always ask me 'Were you funny as a
child?' Well, I was an accountant."

- Ellen Degeneres

"I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury."

- Groucho Marx

"Foot: A special device for
finding furniture in the dark."

- author unknown

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle
of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just
stares at you. But you do the same thing on an
aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

- Tommy Cooper

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Quotes and Verses on Hope...

Quotes and Verses on Hope

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have
made the Lord their hope and confidence."

- Jeremiah 17:7, NLT

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be
patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

- Romans 12:12, NLT

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the
hope we affirm, for God can be trusted
to keep his promise."

- Hebrews 10:23, NLT

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality
that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be,
that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all."

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Hope is the feeling you have that the
feeling you have isn't permanent."

- Joan Kerr

I Believe...

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time
you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long
after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your
attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has
to be done when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything,
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to
kick you when you're down, will be the ones
to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have
the right to be angry, but that doesn't give
me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what
types of experiences you've had and what
you've learned from them and less to do with
how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will
find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not
make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
In you =)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Moron School of Medicine...

Moron School of Medicine Exam

Here are definition questions and their answers from the exam
to become a doctor at the Moron School Of Medicine:

1. Artery... The study of painting

2. Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria

3. Barium... When doctors make mistakes

4. Bowel... A letter like a, e, i, o, or u

5. Caesarian Section... A district in Rome

6. Cauterize... Make eye contact with her

7. Coma... Punctuation mark

8. Cat scan... Searching for kitty

9. Congenital... Friendly

10. Dilate.... To live long

11. Enema... Not a friend

12. Genital... Not Jewish

13. High Colonic... Jewish holiday

14. Impotent... Important and well-known

15. Labor pain... Getting hurt at work

16. Medical Staff... A doctor's walking stick

17. Morbid... Make another bid

18. Nitrate... Much cheaper than day rate

19. Out patient... A patient who has fainted

20. Pap smear... Fatherhood test

21. Pelvis... Cousin of Elvis

22. Post operative... Letter deliveryman

23. Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery

24. Rectum... Darn near killed 'em

25. Rheumatic... Thinking of love

26. Secretion... Hiding something

27. Seizure... Marc Anthony's friend

28. Tablet... Small table

29. Terminal illness... Getting sick at the airport

30. Tumor...
More than one

Gentle Thoughts for the Day...

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together
and "go" on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end
of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight, because by then your body and your
fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost
around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals
for forty (40) are 'XL'?

If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name
is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take
time to look for it. For example I am sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words
'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'?

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,
I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some
of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go
back to youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder
and your hand over my mouth!

Dog Tired...

Dog Tired

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me and I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Friday, July 25, 2008

Girlie Wisdom!...

Girlie Wisdom!

Women over 50 don't have babies
because they would put them down &
forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium
with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box
of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders,
it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your
troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town
is that when you don't know what you
are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is
to lose weight because by then,
your body & your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to
yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything,
& then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together & setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet
for a while & it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when
they say things like: "You know sometimes
I forget to eat!" Now I've forgotten my address,
my kid's name, & my keys, but I have never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a
special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that
they get all excited about nothing
& then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are eating too much,
impulse buying,& driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That's my idea of a

perfect day!

Quotes on Service and Helping

Quotes on Service and Helping

"We can not hold a torch to light another's
path without brightening our own."

- Ben Sweetland
"Service is the rent we each pay for living.
It is not something to do in your spare time;
it is the very purpose of life."

- Marian Wright Edelman
"We can not live only for ourselves. A thousand
fibers connect us with our fellow man."

- Herman Melville
"What do we live for if not to make life
less difficult for each other?"

- George Eliot
"It is one of the most beautiful compensations
of life, that no man can sincerely try
to help another without helping himself."

- Emerson
"The service we render others is the rent
we pay for our room on earth."

- Wilfred Grenfell

Thursday, July 24, 2008

You Might Be A Redneck...

You Might Be a Redneck...

...if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

...if you were just married and had nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you left the church.

...if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the amount of gas you have in it.

...if you wife fills out her family reunion name tag, “Four for a Dollar.”

...if your gunrack has a gunrack.

...if your best china says "Cool Whip" on it.

...if your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

...if your house has more miles on it than your car.

...if anyone in your family died right after saying, ''Hey, y'all watch this!''

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Contemporary Wisdom...

Contemporary Wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just
leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

On joy...

A friend sent this to me in an email. I do not know who the author is. I wish I did. I loved it and wanted to share it. Thanks, my friend, for bringing joy daily to my life!!! Enjoy!...

Allow joy!

Joy is your true nature. That's why it feels so
right. Simple yet profound, joy asks only to be.
Joy fills your life to the extent that you allow it.

Let go of the frustration, the anger, envy and
worry. And joy comes quickly to fill the void.

The smallest things can inspire joy. And the
biggest moments in life benefit when they are
lived in joy.

Joy costs nothing and yet it gives so much. Joy
is completely unreasonable and that is
its most powerfully compelling reason.

Joy is always here and now. Allow joy to fill
your heart, and its great value will fill your
- author unknown

Joke - The Bad Chainsaw!

The Bad Chainsaw!

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"

Monday, July 21, 2008

Joke - A Blonde Gets Smart

A Blonde Gets Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb!

Joke/Humor - T-Shirt Words

T-Shirt Words

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer"...

1. (around a picture of dandelions)
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9. (worn by a pregnant woman)
A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Da*n Discount

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16. (over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping

What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20. (on the front) Yale Is Just One Big Party... (on the back)
With a $25,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money

Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

RS - Be Audit You Can Be

Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt

If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First, But Not Necessarily in That Order.

Humorous Quotes and Quotes on Humor...

Humorous Quotes and Quotes on Humor

"I'm outrageously happy in my stupidity!
Don't tell me... I don't want to know... "

- Snoopy

"The person who knows how to laugh at himself
will never cease to be amused."

- Shirley Maclaine

"The one serious conviction that a man should have
is that nothing is to be taken too seriously."

- Nicholas Murray Butler
"There's so much comedy on television.
Does that cause comedy in the streets?"

- Dick Cavett
"My life has no purpose, no direction,
no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy.
I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?"

- Charles M. Schulz
"Humor is one of the most serious tools we have
for dealing with impossible situations."

- Erica Jong

Joke - Where to Live After Retirement

Where to Live After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you
open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take.
6. The 4 seasons are: fire, flood/mud, shake & bake, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle
to Battery Park.
3. You think central park is 'nature'.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

You can live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait at the same store.
2. 'Y' all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. "He needed killin' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the
day care center.
3. A pass does not involve football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor or an Amish
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my car at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic play, you say," "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Funny story - Uses for Chapstick

Uses For Chapstick

We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just recently died.

Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were 4 years-old, 3 years-old, and 1 year-old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I was trying to nurse my little one at the same time I was putting on my make-up. Everything was a mess, and everyone had long forgotten that this was a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally had the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I was looking for Eli. I searched everywhere and I finally went into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's ... rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. The only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Joke - That's Intelligence!

That's Intelligence!

"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" asked the first ditch digger.

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole, went up to their boss and asked, "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, intelligence?"

"Well, I'll show you," the boss replied. "I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your shovel as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing but the boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

So the ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we're down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" asked the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Humorous Quotes by Famous People...

Humorous Quotes by Famous People

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."

- Groucho Marx

"His mother should have thrown
him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West

"Why do you sit there looking like an
envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
she said:

"If you were my husband
I'd give you poison."

he said:
"If you were my wife,
I'd drink it."

Thanks to Susan from Notable Quotables for the use of these quotes! Thanks, Susan!!

Joke - Stupidity Reigns!

Stupidity Reigns!

these are all true stories...

* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking", stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase, until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year, perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Quotes and Verses on Seeking God

Quotes and Verses on Seeking God

"And do not set your heart on what you will
eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan
world runs after all such things, and your Father
knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom,
and these things will be given to you as well."

- Luke 12:29-31

"Seek the Lord and his strength,
seek His face continually."

- 1 Chronicles 16:11

"Speak now, my heart, and say to God, I seek
your face; your face, Lord, I seek."

- St. Anselm

"Every morning I spend fifteen minutes
filling my mind full of God; and so there's
no room left for worry thoughts."
- Howard Chandler Christy

"Never cease striving until you have
seen God face to face."
- Oliver Cowdery

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Joke - To Be Forgetful!

To Be Forgetful!

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"