'Twas the Night After Christmas (Rated PG)
by Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was
staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He
yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just
what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm
here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent
New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had
been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of
them UFOs. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on
Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this
feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was
out bowlin'. So I yelled, 'Drop fat boy, hands in the air!' But he went about his business like he
hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort, 'That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.'"
by Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was
staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He
yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just
what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm
here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent
New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had
been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of
them UFOs. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on
Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this
feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was
out bowlin'. So I yelled, 'Drop fat boy, hands in the air!' But he went about his business like he
hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort, 'That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.'"
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