Joke - Lost X-Files Christmas Episode

Lost X-Files Christmas Episode


Mulder:
We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully:
Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder:
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,
mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked
with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully:
You really think someone's been here?

Mulder:
Someone or some thing.

Scully:
Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder:
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully:
It's O.K. There's a note attached:
"Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder:
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully:
Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder:
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.
Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said
to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully:
But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten
children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder:
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite
marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through
this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully:
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder,
this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder:
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully:
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder:
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve,
and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully:
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in?
The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder:
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully:
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature
landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're
crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide.
Nothing could get through there.

Mulder:
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully:
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder:
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was
a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long
white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.
Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror.
I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow
taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully:
Impossible.

Mulder:
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind.
It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully.
IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully:
I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being
who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls
and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand
the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder:
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping.
It knows when you're awake.

Scully:
But we have no proof.

Mulder:
Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes
detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states.
The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully:
But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder:
Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody -
not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government
doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear
that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy
. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world
believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.
They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully:
Mulder, I --

Scully:
On the roof. It sounds like... a clatter.

Mulder:
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...