The Miracle Toddler Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the
starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid
diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after three days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years, you may have noticed that most two year-olds
are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all
in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before
embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him
afterwards. Good Luck!!!
Day One
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your
face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
Day Two
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube,
if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it
is clean again. Bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed
potatoes; eat with spoon.
Day Three
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers then rub fingers through hair. Glass of milk; drink
half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the
cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some
red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose,
if possible.
Final Day
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
add half of a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
