A Funny - Woman's Week at the Gym...

Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape (since being a high school

football cheerleader 43 years ago), I decided it would be a

good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress:

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but

found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club

to find Christo waiting for me. He is somewhat of a Greek

god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling, white

smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo game me a tour and shoed me the machines. I

enjoyed watching the skillful he conducted his aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo encouraged me as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron

bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. GREAT! It's a whole,

new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-

brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth

over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving

was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky

for early morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally

whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me

on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a

machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape

and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday

Meanie was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me

that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not

looking, I ran and his in the restroom. He sent some skinny

witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which

I sank.

Friday

I hate that jerk Christo more than any human has ever hated

any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a

part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I

would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want any dents in the floor, don't

hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than

a sandwich.

Saturday

The evil one left a message on my answering machine in his

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with

my planner; however, I lacked the strength to use the TV

remote and caught eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can thank God that this week is over. I will also pray next year

my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root

canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to

bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Fun and Funny Sleep Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes on Sleep

"I love to sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart

when I'm awake, you know?"

- Ernest Hemingway

"Life is too short to sleep on low thread-count sheets."

- Leah Stussy

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is

five minutes more."

- Wilson Mizener

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds."

- JoJo Jensen, 'Dirt Farmer Wisdom'

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."

- Leo J. Burke

"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting."

- Terri Guillemets

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore,

and you sleep alone!"

- Anthony Burgess

"Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all

night thinking about something you said; after marriage,

he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it."

- Helen Rowland

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather -

not screaming like the passengers in his car."

- Will Shriner

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

- W. C. Fields

 

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse

"To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom,

knowledge and happiness."

- Ecclesiastes 2:26

"Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what

you want me to be and becoming that person."

- St Therese of Lisieux

"Be what you are. This is the first step toward

becoming better than you are."

- Julius Charles Hare

"Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently.

Be the chess player, not the chess piece."

- Ralph Charell

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon

way, you command the attention of the world."

- George Washington Carver

"I think of life itself as a wonderful play that

I've written for myself, and so my purpose is

to have the utmost fun playing my part."

- Shirley MacLaine

"The discovery of a new dish does more for the

happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star."

- Anthelme Brilat-Savarin

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you

can do it even better than you think you can."

- Jimmy Carter

"The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on

the water, but to walk on the earth."

- A Chinese Proverb

"Hitch your wagon to a star."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Uniqueness and Self-Awareness Quotes...

Self-Realization and Uniqueness Quotes

"I am the only person in the world I should

like to know thoroughly."

- Oscar Wilde

"Without knowing what I am and why I am here,

life is impossible."

- Leo Tolstoy

"The deep root of failure in our lives is to think,

'Oh how useless and powerless I am.' It is essential

to think strongly and forcefully, 'I can do it,'

without boasting or fretting."

- Tenzin Gyatso, The 14th Dalai Lama

"When I let go of what I am,

I become what I might be."

- Lao Tzu

"It's in the struggle itself that you define yourself."

- Pat Buchanan

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you

can do it even better than you think you can."

- Jimmy Carter

"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming

the person you want to be."

- David Viscott

"Never be unmindful of your own dignity."

- John Brown

"The more you praise and celebrate your life,

the more there is in life to celebrate."

- Oprah Winfrey

"Today you are YOU, that is truer than true.

There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Happy Thanksgiving!...

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have

into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos

to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast,

a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes

sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision

for tomorrow. ”

- Melodie Beattie

I have a list of links for you to explore while you are waiting
for the cook of your home to prepare the feast.  I hope you
enjoy these.  I have tested each one.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Turkey And Thanksgiving Trivia Quiz

Apple Season Game
(fun and easy!)

Thanksgiving Coloring Game

(for kids, but adults can have fun, too!)

Say "Thank You" To A Soldier
(please!!)

History Of Thanksgiving

I want to wish everyone a safe and warm and wonderful

Thanksgiving Day! I appreciate each and everyone of you!

Sending out gratitude... Val =)

Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey...

Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey

* As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins.

* As a hood ornament.

* As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you

and say, "My how you've grown!"

* As a football for the after-meal game.

* One word... bowling!

* As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm

to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

* As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!).

* As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

* Makes a great doggie chew toy.

* Fill it with whipped cream - watch the fun.

* Bury it in the yard for future midnight snacks.

* If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on and

see what it looks like in the X-ray machine.

* Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and ask the

flight attendant for some chicken feed.

* Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

* Before serving, paste feathers on the poor, naked creature.

* Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room,

amaze your guests with the talking fowl.

* Throw the turkey out the window yelling,

"You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

* Two words: turkey puppet.

* Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood

in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

* From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.

When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

* As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests

in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Fun and Funny Thanksgiving Quotes...

Fun and Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast,

the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes

a patriotic duty."

- Michael Dresser

"On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down

to dinner at the same moment - halftime."

- Author Unknown

"You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner

there was one wise, old Native American woman saying,

'Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.'"

- Dylan Brody

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.

I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house.

We had an enormous feast and then I killed them

and took their land."

- Jon Stewart

"Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day!"

- A Thanksgiving Toast, from the movie 'Sweet November'

"Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten

on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar

property of attesting piety and gratitude."

- Ambrose Bierce

"The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal,

is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping

and cooking and braising and blanching. Then it takes 20

minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a

food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up."

- Ted Allen

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when

you have to let your bathrobe out."

- Jay Leno

"I come from a family where gravy is considered

a beverage."

- Erma Bombeck

"Thanksgiving tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil

and throw them out."

- Nicole Hollander

Thanksgiving and Gratitude Quotes and a Verse...

Thanksgiving and Gratitude Quotes and a Verse

"By Him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise

to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving

thanks to His name."

- Hebrews 13:15

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year;

to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart

of gratitude will allow."

- Edward Sandford Martin

"A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue,

but the parent of all the other virtues."

- Cicero

"If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness.

It will change your life mightily."

- Gerald Good

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant,

to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to

live gratitude is to touch Heaven."

- Johannes A. Gaertner

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments

when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

- Thornton Wilder

"I think that one of the things I'm most grateful

for on Thanksgiving is that, when the Lord was deciding

who would need help at this season and who would be

in a position to give help, he permitted me

to be among the givers."

- Bill Gold

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget

that the highest appreciation is not to utter words,

but to live by them."

- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"You say grace before meals. All right.

But I say grace before the concert and the opera,

and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace

before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting,

swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and

grace before I dip the pen in the ink."

- G. K. Chesterton

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like

wrapping a present and not giving it."

- William Arthur Ward

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be

shut up in a single day."

- Robert Caspar Lintner