Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) Fun and Funny Quotes...

Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) Fun and Funny Quotes


"Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way."
=^..^=

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself, any direction you choose."
=^..^=

"Think left and think right and think low and think high.
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try."
=^..^=

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not."
=^..^=

"Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite.
Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their
Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls
or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance.
Everyone is just waiting."
=^..^=

"You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn
a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room."
=^..^=

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant."
=^..^=

"My alphabet starts with the letter yuzz. It's the letter I use to
spell yuzz-a-ma-tuzz. You'll be sort of surprised what there is to be
found once you go beyond 'Z' and start poking around!"
=^..^=

"A person's a person, no matter how small."
=^..^=

"Just tell yourself, Duckie, you're really quite lucky!
Some people are much more... Oh, ever so much more...
Oh, muchly much-much more unlucky than you!"
=^..^=

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."

Memorial Day Quotes and a Verse...

Memorial Day Quotes and a Verse

"Greater love has no one than this,
that he lay down his life for his friends."
- John 15:13
<><

"Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time,
testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we
have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free
and undivided Republic."
-John A. Logan
*

"The patriot's blood is the seed of Freedom's tree."
- Thomas Campbell
*

"These heroes are dead. They died for liberty – they died for us.
They are at rest. They sleep in the land they made free, under the
flag they rendered stainless, under the solemn pines, the sad hemlocks,
the tearful willows, and the embracing vines. They sleep beneath the
shadows of the clouds, careless alike of sunshine or of storm, each in
the windowless Place of Rest. Earth may run red with other wars -
they are at peace. In the midst of battle, in the roar of conflict,
they found the serenity of death. I have one sentiment for
soldiers living and dead: cheers for the living;
tears for the dead."
- Robert G. Ingersoll
*

"Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill,
that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship,
support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and
the success of liberty."
- John F. Kennedy
*

"The dead soldier's silence sings our national anthem."
- Aaron Kilbourn
*

"The greatest glory of a free-born people is to transmit that
freedom to their children."
- William Havard
*

"The purpose of all war is peace."
- St. Augustine
***


"Day is done, gone the sun,
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Go to sleep, peaceful sleep,
May the soldier or sailor,
God keep.
On the land or the deep,
Safe in sleep.

Fading light, dims the sight,
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright.
From afar, drawing nigh, falls the night.

Thanks and praise, for our days,
'Neath the sun, 'neath the stars, neath the sky;
As we go, this we know, God is nigh.

Sun has set, shadows come,
Time has fled, Scouts must go to their beds,
Always true to the promise that they made.
While the light fades from sight,
And the stars gleaming rays softly send,
To thy hands we our souls, Lord, commend."
- TAPS, words by Union General Dan Butterfield
tune by General Oliver Wilcox Norton

Joke - The Dress...

The Dress

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother found the perfect dress to wear, and would be
the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's wife to exchange it, but she refused.

''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm
wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer explained the situation to her mother who graciously
said, ''Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all,
it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping and located another
beautiful dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

Mahatma Gandhi Quotes...

Mahatma Gandhi Quotes

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative
of the brave."
Y

"You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy
this body, but you will never imprison my mind."
Y

"A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a
'yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble."
Y

"Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer
him with love."
Y

"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks,
he becomes."
Y

"Be the change you want to see in the world."
Y

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight
you, then you win."
Y

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress."
Y

"If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably
man's superior."
Y

"Nobody can hurt me without my permission."
Y

"There is more to life than simply increasing its speed."

A Funny - BBQ Rules...

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to
refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of
events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables,
and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to
the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion
zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly
bonding activities can take place without the interference
of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he
flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL
AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS
HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off', and,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.

A Funny - $2 Bill...

I looked this story up on snopes.com. This was first posted on the net in 1993
by "Captain Sarcastic" who claims the tale is true.


$2 Bill

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.
In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill,
I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting
irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have
anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter,
and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in the back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big
bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No, really... tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some... (pause) funny
money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this... a two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he
has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

The Security Guard walks over to me and...

Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say,
"I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.
He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike,
what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah... ?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The Security Guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on
the guy that he has no clue.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and
some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff.

If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get
free food there, too!

Joke - Gone Fishing...

Gone Fishing

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake. He sat in the blazing sun
all day without a single bite.

On his way home, he stopped at the market and ordered four rainbow
trout.

"Pick out four large ones and throw them at me, will you?" he said to
the clerk behind the counter.

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?" asked the clerk.

"So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them,"
explained Alex.

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon," said the clerk.

"Why’s that?" asked Alex.

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said if you came by,
I should ask you to pick the salmon. That's what she wants for supper
tonight," he replied with a grin.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes


"When I was younger, I could remember anything,
whether it had happened or not."
- Mark Twain
=)

"I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying,
'Flee at once. All is discovered.' They all left
town immediately."
- Mark Twain
=)

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
- Mark Twain
=)

"Common sense ain't common."
- Will Rogers
=)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
- Steven Wright
=)

"The only reason for time is so that everything
doesn't happen at once."
- Albert Einstein
=)

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein
=)

"Behind every successful woman...
is a substantial amount of coffee."
- Stephanie Piro
=)

"Bring me a bowl of coffee before I turn into a goat."
- Johann Sebastian Bach
=)

"Cheer up. The worst is yet to come."
- Philander Johnson

Happiness Quotes and a Verse...

Happiness Quotes and a Verse

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him,
and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks
to Him in song."
- Psalm 28:7
<><


"Happiness is a present attitude - not a future condition."
- Hugh Prather
=)

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean
they've gotten lost."
- H. Jackson Browne
=)

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance;
the wise grows it under his feet."
- James Openheim
=)

"If my heart can become pure and simple like that of a child,
I think there can be no happiness greater than this."
- Kitaro Nishida
=)

"If you observe a really happy man, you will find him building a boat,
writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias or
looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi Desert. He will not be
searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that had
rolled under the radiator, striving for it as a goal in itself.
He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of
living life twenty-four crowded hours of each day."
- W. Beran Wolfe
=)

"Even in the common affairs of life, in love, friendship,
and marriage, how little security have we when we trust our
happiness in the hands of others!"
- William Hazlitt
=)

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true
meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."
- Norm Papernick
=)

"Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs
of your heart."
- Mort Walker
=)

"Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a
poor memory."
- Albert Schweitzer

Overcoming Fear Quotes...

Overcoming Fear Quotes


"Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."
- Les Brown

(

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin,
and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them."
- Brendan Francis
(

"Every time you win, it diminishes the fear a little bit.
You never really cancel the fear of losing; you keep challenging it."
- Arthur Ashe
(

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you stop to look fear in the face."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
(

"Confront your fears, list them, get to know them,
and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead."
- Jerry Gillies
(

"You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so.
For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind."
- Dale Carnegie
(

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile,
initially scared me to death."
- Betty Bender
(

"There is a time to take counsel of your fears,
and there is a time to never listen to any fear."
- General George S. Patton
(

"Flowers grow out of darker moments."
- Corita Kent
(

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark,
of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, or speaking before a rotary
club, and of the words 'some assembly required'."
- Dave Barry

Joke - Solitary Confinement...

Solitary Confinement

Three tourists were traveling in South America - an Irishman,
a Frenchman, and a blonde American. They found themselves
in a bar in a small Latin American country that was ruled by a
strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument
and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived
and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even
worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother
of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to
five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are
foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may
choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do
you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five year's supply of fine Irish whiskey.
The Frenchman asked for a five year's supply of fine French wine.
The blonde American requests a five year's supply of cigarettes.
The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to
prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp
basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman
was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and
quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The
Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk
himself, and walked out into freedom. The blonde American was
released last.

He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a
#*%$# match?"

The Blondes Fight Back...

The Blondes Fight Back

What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

What do you do if a brunette throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at her

What goes screech-vroom, screech-vroom?
A brunette driving through a flashing red light

What do brunettes miss about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

How do you recognize a brunette at the airport?
She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes

Why does a brunette have a see-through lunch box?
To know whether she is coming or going from the office.


c c c


The Brunette in the Cornfield

A brunette is sitting in a canoe in the middle of a cornfield rowing.

An older brunette drives by and yells out her window, "It's you young
brunettes that make us look so dumb. If I knew how to swim, I would
swim out there and tip you over!!"

Funny, Punny Names...

Funny, Punny Names

Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
The Palace Roof Has A Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise On Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate The Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking The Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labor
How To Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut The Grass: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To Be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain In My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Philippine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Not A Guitar: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring To The Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects Of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How To Break In: Jimmy De Lock

Do you have any to add? I would love to hear them.
Place in comments section.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
- Jerry Seinfeld
=)

"The best thing is to look natural,
but it takes makeup to look natural."
- Calvin Klein
=)

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors
agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."
- Jay Leno
=)

"If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children
alternately, there would never be more than three in a family."
- Lawrence Housman
=)

"You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment."
- Dave Barry
=)

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific."
- Jane Wagner
=)

"My mom said I was going to be a wit one day. She was half right."
- R. E. W.
=)

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut
you used to get for five dollars when you had hair."
- Sam Ewing
=)

"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person
you meet reminds you of someone else."
- Ogden Nash
=)

"The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything;
the young know everything."
- Oscar Wilde
=)

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening,
be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear."
- A. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse


"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord,
not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the
Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."
- Colossians 3:23-24
<><

"You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're
going to go to bed with satisfaction."
- George Lorimer
78

"There is no passion to be found in playing small -
in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
- Nelson Mandela
78

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."
- Lewis Carroll
78

"We are what we pretend to be,
so we must be careful what we pretend to be."
- Kurt Vonnegut
78

"Time sets the state; fate writes the script;
but only we may choose our character."
- Liam Thomas Ryder
78

"Life has got a habit of not standing hitched. You got to ride it like
you find it. You got to change with it. If a day goes by that you don't
change some of your old notions for new ones, that is just about
like trying to milk a dead cow."
- Woody Guthrie
78

"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it,
the more it begins to make sense."
- Harold S. Kushner
78

"If life gives you limes, make margaritas."
- Jimmy Buffet
78

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
- Bill Watterson, 'Calvin and Hobbes'

Quotes About Learning...

Quotes About Learning


"We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn."
- Mary Catherine Bateson
n

"All men desire knowledge."
- Aristotle
n

"All things are difficult before they are easy."
- Thomas Fuller
n

"It is what we think we know already that often prevents
us from learning."
- Claude Bernard
n

"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember.
I do and I understand."
- Confucius
n

"Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere."
- A Chinese Proverb
n

"I am still learning."
- Michelangelo
n

"All truth follows three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second,
it is violently opposed. Third it is accepted as being self-evident."
- Arthur Shopenhauer
n

"The beautiful thing about learning is no one can take
it away from you."
- B. B. King
n

"Readers are plentiful. Thinkers are rare."
- Harriet Martineau
n

"Education is the best provision for old age."
- Aristotle

Joke - St. Peter's Book...

St. Peter's Book

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading
through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several
minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry,
I don't see your name written in The Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not
until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably
hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update
to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in
your life."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time
when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my
car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of
the gang.

"He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4 and 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader,
the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head
with the tire iron.

"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says, "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

A Funny - 10 New Words...

10 New Words

These are 10 fake words that should perhaps become words.
I found this at the blog humor section.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly)
you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal side'.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're
only six inches away.

More of You Might be a Redneck If...

You Might be a Redneck If...

* On stag night, you take a real deer.
* You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
* Your back porch is bigger than your house.
* There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your
cowboy hat.
* An expired license plate means another decoration
for your living room wall.
* You think 'Old Yeller' is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
* You watch 'Little House on the Prairie' for decorating tips.
* Your secret family recipe is illegal.
* You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl.
* You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.
* You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home.
* You have visitation rights to a dog.
* Your voice changed while you were in the second grade.
* Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place".
* You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.
* Your taxidermist also does your taxes.
* You love lard sandwiches.
* You've ever let your dog babysit your kids.
* Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
* Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
* You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at
your bug zapper.
* Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.
* There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in
your yard.
* Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.
* You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.
* You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.
* You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
* You've used a barstool as a walker.
* You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him
fresh water.
* You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep
your hats.
* You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.
* Your favorite recipe includes Vienna Sausages.

Which one made you laugh the hardest? Can you add any?

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous Athletes

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous Athletes


"Nobody in football should be called a genius.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theismann
g

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me.
I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
- Andre Dawson, Chicago Cubs outfielder
g

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl."
- Joe Jacobi, Redskins
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
- Matt Millen, Raiders, upon hearing Joe Jacobi's statement
g

"You guys line up alphabetically by height.",
and,
"You guys pair up in groups of three,
and then line up in a circle."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
g

"My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player
g

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you?
Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,'Coach,
I don't know and I don't care.'"
- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player
g

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
- Charles Shackelford, NC State
g

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name,
I can still find my clothes."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself
above his locker
g

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver
g

"I want to rush for 1,000, or 1,500 yards,
whichever comes first."
- George Rogers, New Orleans Saint running back

Happy Mother's Day!, Mom Quotes...

Quotes and a Verse on Mothers and Motherhood


"Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her."
- Proverbs 31:28
<><

"It seems to me that my mother was the most splendid woman
I ever knew. I have met a lot of people knocking around the world since,
but I have never met a more thoroughly refined woman than my mother.
If I have amounted to anything, it will be due to her."
- Charles Chaplin
Y

"The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom."
- H. W. Beecher
Y

"Is my mother my friend? I would have to say, first of all
she is my Mother, with a capital 'M'; she's something sacred to me.
I love her dearly... Yes, she is also a good friend,
someone I can talk openly with if I want to."
- Sophia Loren
Y

"At work, you think of the children you have left at home.
At home, you think of the work you've left unfinished.
Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent."
- Golda Meir
Y

"Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of children."
- William Makepeace Thackeray
Y

"There never was a woman like her. She was gentle as a dove and brave
as a lioness. The memory of my mother and her teachings were,
after all, the only capital I had to start life with,
and on that capital I have made my way."
- Andrew Jackson
Y

"If you bungle raising your children,
I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."
- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
Y

"The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere
pleasant - and let the air out of the tires."
- Dorothy Parker

- Dedicated to my little mommy who taught me how to enjoy the little things in life.
Love you, mom!! Happy Mother's Day, mom, and all the moms out there!!

Mother's Day Quotes...

Quotes for Mother's Day


"Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries."
- T. DeWitt Talmage
Y

"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers."
- A Jewish Proverb
Y

"To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane
in its perfect power."
- Maya Angelou
Y

"The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother,
Home, and Heaven."
- William Goldsmith Brown
Y

"Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly."
- Ambrose Bierce
Y

"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense,
tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side,
yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother,
and become fully independent."
- Erich Fromm
Y

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.
A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once
for her child."
- Sophia Loren
Y

"If motherhood teaches us anything it's that we can't change
our children, only ourselves."
- Katrina Kenison
Y

"A mother is a person, who seeing there are only four pieces of pie
for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."
- Tenneva Jordan
Y

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
- Milton Berle
Y

"There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

About Moms, a funny for Mother's Day...

About Moms

answered by 2nd grade school children.

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly
use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom
like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's
such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to
work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at
your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

Joke - Limo Driver...

Limo Driver

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says The Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says The Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as The Pope climbs in behind
the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport,
the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but The
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh my, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets
on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that. He's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

The cop replied, "Bigger."

The Chief asked, "Governor?"

The cop replied, "Bigger."

"Well," asked the Chief, "Who is it?"

The cop exclaimed, "I think it's God!"

"What makes you think it's God?" asked the Chief.

The cop said, "He's got The Pope for a limo driver!"

Funny Birthday Quotes, Happy Birthday Dad!...

Today's funny birthday quotes are dedicated to my
father who turns 82 today! The family affectionately
calls him Daddeeoo (if you are his child) and Opa
(if you are his grandchild). I am so proud of you, my
Dadddeeeooo!! You are loved!!

Funny Aging and Birthday Quotes


"There is still no cure for the common birthday."
- John Glenn
c

"Youth is a disease from which we all recover."
- Dorothy Fulheim
c

"Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake."
- Author Unknown
c

"Why is a birthday cake the only food you can blow on and spit on
and everybody rushes to get a piece?"
- Bobby Kelton
c

"Thirty-five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women
who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years."
- Oscar Wilde
c

"Last week the candle factory burned down.
Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'"
- Steven Wright
c

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who
have the most live the longest."
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
c

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday."
- Erma Bombeck
c

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."
- Author Unknown
c

"Oh, to be seventy again."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.,
upon seeing an attractive woman on his 90th birthday
c

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
- Truman Capote

Marriage Quotes and a Verse...

Marriage Quotes and a Verse

"Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers a multitude of sins."
- 1 Peter 4:8
<><

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get.
It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day."
- Barbara De Angelis
Y

"Come, let's be a comfortable couple and take care of each other!
How glad we shall be, that we have somebody we are fond of always,
to talk to and sit with."
- Charles Dickens
Y

"Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends."
- Harville Hendrix
Y

"Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce,
but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and
disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable."
- Henry Ward Beecher
Y

"A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short."
- Andre Maurois
Y

"Moonlight and roses are bound to fade for every lover and every maid,
but the bond that holds in any weather is learning how to laugh."
- Author Unknown
Y

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."
- Author Unknown
Y

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates

A Funny - World's Thinnest Books...

World's Thinnest Books


Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names

Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

Spotted Owl Recipes By The EPA

The Amish Phone Directory

Blind Dates That Worked Out

Burger King Items That Start With "Mc"

Household Uses For Plutonium

Marcel Marceau's Greatest Speeches

Sylvester Stallone's Dramatic Acting Tips

My Wild Years By Gore

Different Ways To Spell "Bob"

My Plan To Find The Real Killer By O. J.
Simpson (or Scott Peterson)

How To Get To The Super Bowl By Dan Marino

Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific

America's Most Well-Liked Lawyers

A Collection Of Motivational Speeches
By Dr. J. Kevorkian

Things That Look Like An Apple, Taste Like An Apple,
But Are Not An Apple

Things You Can Buy At The World's Artichoke Festival

Vice Presidents With Really Good Ideas