St. Peter's Book
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading
through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several
minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry,
I don't see your name written in The Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not
until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably
hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update
to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time
when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my
car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of
"He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4 and 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader,
the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head
with the tire iron.
"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says, "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."