Silver...

I received this from my sister Krissy. I loved the message so I am posting it here. Thanks, sissy!...

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
- Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:

"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

Joke - NASA and the Indians

NASA and the Indians

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

The NASA people then took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE DUDES - THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

Quotes on Friendship...

Quotes on Friendship

"Treasure each other in the recognition that we
do not know how long we have each other."
- Joshua Loth Liebman

"All people want is someone to listen."
- Hugh Elliot

"When the character of a man is not clear
to you, take a look at his friends."
- A Japanese Proverb

"A friend is one who knows us,
but loves us anyway."
- Father Jerome Cummings

"The best way to destroy an enemy
is to make him a friend."
- Abraham Lincoln

"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert

Joke - Rick is Missing

Rick is Missing

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She said to him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick is missing...

funny quotes...

Funny Quotes

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time
I get a divorce, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my
Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming,
like the passengers in his car."
- Author Unknown

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
- Clifton Fadiman

"Middle age is when your age starts
to show around your middle."
- Bob Hope

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human
stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the
stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby

"A Woman" from Maya Angelou...

"A Woman" from Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
something perfect to wear if the employer
or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill,
and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one friend who always makes her laugh..
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned
by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal that will make
her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a feeling of control over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK
AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love. or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming Inn in the woods.... when her soul needs
soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month... and a year...

11 People on a Rope...

11 People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter,
10 men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
so they decided that one had to leave,
otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general,
and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping...

.
..Thanks to Beth from Nutwood Junction for this!

Quotes and verses on Giving...

Quotes and Verses on Giving

"Each one must give as he has decided in his heart,
not reluctantly or under compulsion,
for God loves a cheerful giver."
- 2 Corinthians 9:7

"Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.
Don’t just think about your own affairs,
but be interested in others, too, and in what
they are doing."
- Philippians 2: 3-4, TLB

"I have found that among its other benefits,
giving liberates the soul of the giver."
- Maya Angelou

""We do not quite forgive a giver. The hand that feeds
us in some danger of being bitten."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We make a living by what we get, but we
make a life by what we give."
- Winston Churchill

"The love we give away is the only love we keep."
- Elbert Hubbard

A Bird Named Moses

A Bird Named Moses

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag. He again hears, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he sees a parrot. "Who are you?" the burglar asks.

"Moses," the bird replied.

"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.

"I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Funny Labels...

Don't Use While Sleeping

Some examples of why the human race has
probably evolved as far as possible:
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(LOL)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on box bottom):
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(And whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmm, now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?
Did someone try todo that?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

a poem - Joy In The Rain

Joy In The Rain

The birds in flight, God in the sunset,
and I in angels arms,
understand why it was to be.
What seemed cruel turned out
to be my saving grace.
With each hurt, pain, and blunder,
I turned to the rain,
and to the joy which was in the rain,
until the rain turned into the sun,
and I found the reasons why,
it all occurred.
Now I am enthralled.

-VF

Joke - The Blonde Lady Driver

The Blonde Lady Driver

A state trooper was driving along in the country when he noticed a small black coupe swerving all over the lonely back road. He put on his flashers and pulled the car over. Hopping out of his cruiser, he then approached the blonde lady driver.

"Ma'am, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"

The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me! I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me! I swerved to the right and there was ANOTHER tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Quotes on Humility...

Q

Quotes on Humility

"There is a foolish corner in the
brain of the wisest man."
- Aristotle

"To be secure, be humble.
To be happy, be content."
- James Hurdis

"Don’t mind criticism. If it is untrue, disregard it;
if unfair, keep from irritation; if it is ignorant,
smile; if it is justified it is not criticism, learn from it."
– author unknown

"People who look down on other people
don't end up being looked up to."
- Robert Half

"One must become as humble as the dust
before he can discover truth."
- Mahatma Gandhi

The Dance...

The Dance
- Garth Brooks

click here to play MIDI

Lookin' back on the memories of
the dance we shared beneath the stars above.
For a moment, all the world was right.
How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?'

(Chorus)
And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end
the way it all would go.
And our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance.

Holdin' you, I've held everything.
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all.

Repeat (Chorus)

Yes, my life is better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance.

- Thank you, my dearest Sharon =)

Funny Answering Machine Messages...

Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

* From a machine at a college dorm:
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

* Hi. This is John.
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

* Narrator's voice: There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

* "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. "Beep". Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

* From my Japanese friend in Toronto: He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message, I call sooner!

* "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

* "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

* "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

* "This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

* "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

* "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

* "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

* "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes .There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

* "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

Joke - Why Dogs are Better Than Women

Here is the revenge for the men =)... sorry women, all in fun =)...

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Women:

10. A dog's parents will
never visit you.

9. A dog loves you when you leave
your clothes on the floor.

8. A dog limits its time in the
bathroom to a quick drink.

7. A dog never expects
you to telephone.

6. A dog will not get mad at you
if you forget its birthday.

5. A dog does not care about the
previous dogs in your life.

4. A dog does not get mad at you
if you pet another dog.

3. A dog never expects flowers
on Valentine's Day.

2. The later you are, the happier
a dog is to see you.

1. A dog does not shop.

Joke - The Beginning of Women

The Beginning of Women

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

"She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God answered, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Joke - How to Stay Married for 50 Years...

How to Stay Married 50 Years

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 30th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go and get her!"

a funny... Baby Boomers...

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Baby Boomers

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"What can take you only seconds can change someone else's life!"
- VF

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"A perfect parent is a person with
excellent child-raising
theories and no actual children."
- Dave Barry

"Some people are wise,
others are... otherwise"
- author unknown

"Give a cat a fish and you will feed her
for a day. Teach a cat to fish and she will
wait for you to feed her."
- HBS

"My greatest enemy is reality. I have
fought it successfully for thirty years."
- Margaret Anderson

"You will do foolish things,
but do them with enthusiasm."
- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

"Happiness is nothing more than
good health and a bad memory."
- Albert Schweitzer

Joke - Why Dogs are Better Than Men...

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:

10. Dogs don't feel threatened
by your intelligence.

9. Dogs are already in touch
with their inner puppies.

8. Dogs are very direct
about wanting to go out.

7. Dogs think you are
a culinary genius.

6. You can house train a dog.

5. Dogs feel guilt when they've
done something wrong.

4. Middle-aged dogs don't
feel the need to abandon you
for a younger owner.

3. Dogs mean it when
they kiss you.

2. Dogs don't care whether
or not you shave your legs.

1. Dogs obsess about you as much
as you obsess about them.

... Don't worry men, I have a top 10 for you about women ;-)

Joke - Polish Sausage

Polish Sausage

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "You must be Polish."

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk replies, "Well, no."

"And if I ask for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," says the clerk.

"Well, all right then. Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" asks the gentleman

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Verses and Quotes on Peace...

Verses and Quotes on Peace

"If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you; no plague will come
near your dwelling. For He orders His angels
to protect you wherever you go."
- Psalm 91:9-11

"But whoever listens to Me will dwell safely,
and will be secure, without fear of evil."
- Proverbs 1:33

"Lord, you will grant us peace, for all we
have accomplished is really from You."
- Isaiah 26:12

"There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that
the three things we crave most in life - happiness,
freedom, and peace of mind - are always attained
by giving them to someone else."
- Peyton Conway March

"This is the way of peace: Overcome evil with good,
falsehood with truth, and hatred with love."
- Peace Pilgrim

"The way of peace is the way of love. Love is the
greatest power on earth. It conquers all things."
- Peace Pilgrim

"There is no way to peace. Peace is the way."
- A.J. Muste

Joke - An Abbot Funny

An Abbot Funny

A man presented himself to the Abbot and asked to join the brotherhood. After several of the brethren counseled him, they met together and decided that they would let him become a postulate.

"We are pleased to let you know that you can join us, but you must take a vow of silence for one year."

The man agreed and was silent for one year. At the end of his first year, the brethren told him he could only speak two words. The man thought about it and spoke two words.

"Bed hard."

The brethren counseled among themselves, and the man was told he would have to take a vow of silence for another year. Again the man agreed and was silent for one more year. At the end of the second year, the man was told he could only speak two words. Again the man thought about it and spoke two words.

"Food bad."

The brethren counseled among themselves and the man was told that he would have to take a vow of silence for another year. At the end of the third year, the man was told he could only speak two words. Again, the man thought about it and spoke two words.

"I quit."

The brethren counseled among themselves, and the Abbot told him, "We were afraid of this. You've done nothing but complain since you came here."

Joke - Little Alex

Little Alex

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

Joke - Van Gogh Family Reunion

Vincent Van Gogh's Family Reunion

After much careful research, it has been discovered that
the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:

His obnoxious brother.................. Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ..............................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia...............U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois..................................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle.................................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin.....................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .......Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle...................................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking........Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.........................Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh

Funny Quotes on Marriage

Funny Quotes on Marriage

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe"
- Jackie Mason

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
- Hemant Joshi

"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate
to get in, and those inside desperate to get out."
- Montaigne

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter
of chemistry. That must be why my wife
treats me like toxic waste."
- David Bissonette

"I've sometimes thought of marrying,
and then I've thought again."
- Noel Coward

Joke - New Office Policy

I received this joke in my email box. I am not sure who from. I thank the person who sent it to me. I am so sorry I forgot your name...

New Office Policy

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

Joke - Meals on Wheels

Meals on Wheels

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Joke - Two Bubbas Ice Fish

Two Bubbas Ice Fish

There were two Bubbas from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up North.

The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got one and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

The fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't.

He sold him the picks, and the guy left.

In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," said the one Bubba, "we don't even have the boat in the water yet."

To Give!..

I am not sure who the author of this is or I would give credit. I received it in my email box from a special friend. I really liked its message so I am posting it here. I hope it has a special meaning to you as well...

To give!

To give joy and love and abundance to others
you must first have these yourself.
Furthering yourself is not selfish,
it is a necessary step in your ability to help others.
Be good to yourself.
Find true joy and happiness in your own life,
and you'll be a source of happiness for many others.
The more fulfilled you are, the more you have to give.

Give of yourself, by being the best you can be.
Fulfill your potential.
Live every moment to the fullest.
Make the world a better place by making
the most of your life.

The greatest thing you have to give is yourself.

- author unknown

Fun Quotes!...

Quotes on Humor, Fun Quotes

"Without a strong sense of humour, we might
as well all become accountants, remedial algebra
teachers and telephone sanitizers."
- Tom Knapp

"You are not angry with people when you laugh
at them. Humor teaches them tolerance."
- William Somerset Maugham

"Everybody's always drumming on
about the future but I'm not letting it
interfere with my laughs."
- John Lennon

"If you can't laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people."
- Bobby Slayton

"You can turn painful situations around through
laughter. If you can find humor in
anything -- even poverty -- you can survive it."
- Bill Cosby

"The most wasted of all days
is one without laughter."
- E. E. Cummings

"I want to touch the heart of
the world and make it smile."
- Charles de Lint

Joke - Three Blondes

Three Blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. He opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

He stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a wasteof time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'"

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Joke - Top 5 Things NOT to Say to a Cop...

The Top 5 Things NOT to Say to a Cop

5. "I can't seem to reach my license, could you hold my beer?"

4. "Weren't you from the Village People?"

3. "You're not going to check the trunk, are you?"

2. "Don't you have to be in shape to be a police officer?"

and if an officer says,
"You're eyes look kind of red,
have you been drinking?"...

1. "Well, your eyes look kind of glazed, have you
been eating donuts?"

Quotes on Care and Love...

Quotes on Care and Love

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or
tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted,
uncared for and deserted by everybody.
The greatest evil is the lack of love and charity."
- Mother Teresa

"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others.
We are all children of chance and none can say why
some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath
the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past
your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours,
their choices no more easily made. And give, give in
any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give
is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less
for your harvest than for how it is shared and your
life will have meaning and your heart will have peace."
- Kent Nerburn

"To be loved, be lovable."
- Ovid