Joke - Drive On...

Drive On

A group of retirees were discussing their medical problems over

coffee one morning.

"Do you realize," said one, "my arm is so weak I can hardly hold

this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know," replied the second. "My cataracts are so bad I

can hardly see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head," rejoined the third, "because of the

arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," commented the fourth,

adding, "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad," piped up the first. "We should be thankful

that we can still drive."

Joke - Official Language of the European Union...

Official Language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the European Union rather

than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a

5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in

favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have

one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like

fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have

always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is

disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"

with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in

ze forst plas.

A Funny - How to Mess Up a Job Interview...

How to Mess Up a Job Interview

Top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were

surveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The low-lights were:

* "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

* "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music

at the same time."

* "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office

a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

* "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive

was qualified to judge the candidate."

* "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger

and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup

on her sleeve."

* "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by

having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

* "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific

interview questions."

* "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap

dancing around my office."

* "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went

through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

* "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.

Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

* "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

* "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a

copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest

at the centerfold."

* "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's

brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to

leave for another interview."

* "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.

His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do

I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in

conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as

long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there

was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

* "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled,

revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

* "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment

office needed proof that he was looking for one."

* "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.

When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted

my phone number. I called security."

* "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he

was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why

he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then

reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured,

but I did need to get a new desk."

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous Women...

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous Women

"I don't have a bank account because I don't

know my mother's maiden name."

- Paula Poundstone

"Women are like tea bags. We don't know our true

strength until we are in hot water!"

- Eleanor Roosevelt

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man;

if you want anything done, ask a woman."

- Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how

to combine marriage and a career."

- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."

- Gloria Steinem

"The poor wish to be rich,

the rich wish to be happy,

the single wish to be married,

and the married wish to be dead."

- Ann Landers

"I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my

children that, they just about throw up."

- Barbara Bush

"I figure that if the children are alive when I

get home, I've done my job."

- Roseanne Barr

"If high heels were so wonderful,

men would be wearing them."

- Sue Grafton

"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes,

I had one thousand and sixty."

- Imelda Marcos

"The first time I see a jogger smiling,

I'll consider it."

- Joan Rivers

Mercy Quotes and a Bible Verse...

Mercy Quotes and a Bible Verse

 

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."

- Matthew 5:7

"Who will not mercy unto others show,

how can mercy he ever hope to have?"

- Edmund Spenser

"I have always found that mercy bears

richer fruits than strict justice."

- Abraham Lincoln

"The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as

the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed --

it blesseth him that gives, and him that takes."

- William Shakespeare

"We do pray for mercy, and that same prayer

doth teach us all

to render the deeds of mercy."

- William Shakespeare

"Today we are afraid of simple words like

goodness and mercy and kindness.

We don't believe in the good old words because

we don't believe in good old values anymore.

And that's why the world is sick."

- Lin Yutang

"The most valuable things in life are not measured in

monetary terms. The really important things are not houses

and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real estate,

but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy,

mercy, love, and faith."

- Bertrand Russell

"Mercy among the virtues is like the moon among the stars...

it is the light that hovers above the judgment seat."

- Edwin Hubbel Chapin

"Teach me to feel another's woe, to hide the fault I see;

that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me."

- prayer by Alexander Pope

A Funny - Kids Are Quick...

Kids Are Quick

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.


Teacher: Why are you late, Frank?
Frank: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Frank: The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow'.


Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.


Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.


Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie, always say, "I am."
Millie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.


Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.


Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.

- thanks for this, DB (click to visit) !!

Joke - Shopping For A Husband...

Shopping For A Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go

to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed

of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the

shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you

may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you can

not go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better

than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up

she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 -
These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's

further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -
These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely

good-looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely

good-looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be

more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely

good-looking, help with the housework and

are romantic.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further

on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 -
You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor

exists solely as proof that women are

impossible to please.

Joke - Karate Guard Dog...

Karate Guard Dog

Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco. It had been

burglarized several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog.

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign

boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but

much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese.

"Excuse me," Sam said to the manager, "but the sign outside says you sell guard

dogs. Where are they?"

The manager, an elderly Chinese, replied, "Oh, but these are highly trained

guard dogs. They all know karate."

"Karate! No way."

"I'll show you," said the shop owner.

He took one of the Pekingese out to the backyard and put it in front of a brick.

The dog stood absolutely still. The shopkeeper gave a command, "Karate! Brick!"

And with complete astonishment, Sam saw the little dog perform a perfect
karate chop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed, he bought the dog.

Back at his own store, he showed the Pekingese guard dog to George,
who thought he was completely mad and told him to return the Pekingese
immediately.

"But, he is a trained guard dog!"

"Yeah, sure!"

Sam put the Pekingese on the floor and said, "He knows karate!!"

With a sneer George retorted, "Karate! My foot!"

Joke - Nice One...

Nice One

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had

imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although

this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to

his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a

restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel

shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be

conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her

window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of

the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.

That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Joke - Drumming...

Drumming

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every

moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said

or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much

noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the

child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and

should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered

the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth

gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger

through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to

make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He

looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked,

"I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

Fun and Funny Spring Quotes...

Fun and Funny Spring Quotes

"Spring is nature's way of saying,

'Let's party!'"

- Robin Williams

"Spring is when you feel like whistling

even with a shoe full of slush."

- Doug Larson

"Spring has come when you can put your

foot on three daisies."

– Author Unknown

"The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful."

- E. E. Cummings

"Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty

little birds yapping their fool heads off and

the ground all mucked up with plants."

- Dorothy Parker

"It's Spring fever... You don't quite know what

it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your

heart ache, you want it so!"

- Mark Twain

"In the Spring I have counted one hundred

and thirty-six different kinds of weather

inside of four and twenty hours."

- Mark Twain

"Spring being a touch act to follow,

God created June."

- Al Bernstein

"In the Spring, at the end of the day,

you should smell like dirt."

- Margaret Atwood

"A little Madness in the Spring

Is wholesome even for the King."

- Emily Dickinson

"First a howling blizzard woke us,

Then the rain came down to soak us,

And now before the eye can focus -

Crocus."

- Lilja Rogers

Encouraging and Uplifting Quotes and a Bible Verse...

Quotes and a Bible Verse to Encourage and Uplift

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed,

for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

"However softly we speak, God is near enough to hear us."

- Saint Teresa of Avila

"God's heart is the most sensitive and tender of all.

No act goes unnoticed, no matter how insignificant or small."

- Richard J. Foster

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events,

have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose

which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

- Groucho Marx

"There is progress whether ye are going forward

or backward! The thing is to move!"

- Edgar Cayce

"People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you

have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on."

- Bill Cosby

"There's an important difference between

giving up and letting go."

- Jessica Hatchigan

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."

- Lao Tzu

"If your lips can speak a word of encouragement

to a weary soul, you have a talent."

- Eva J. Cummings

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.

That is why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."

- Emily Kimbrough

"Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be."

- Grandma Moses