Joke - Church Cake!...

Church Cake!

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake, and when she took it from the oven,
the center had dropped flat.

She exclaimed, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake!"

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center
of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money
and specific instructions. She told her to be at the bake sale the
minute it opened,and buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already
been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of
bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert.

When Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it.

before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Joke - Hitch-Hiking

Hitch-Hiking

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. It was
getting late and no prospective rides came by. Suddenly he saw
a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without a thought, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed
the door, when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind
the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again.
He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve
in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the
front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window
and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran
to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and
started telling everybody about the terrifying experience he had
just gone through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant.
They were looking around for a table when one said to the other,
"Hey look, isn't that the jerk who got in our car when we were
pushing it?"

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific."
- Jane Wagner
=)

"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion,
but doesn't."
- Author Unknown
=)

"Gentlemen prefer bonds."
- Andrew Mellon
=)

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay,
then it's you."
- Rita Mae Brown
=)

"Only one man ever understood me,
and he didn't understand me."
- G. W. Hegel
=)

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
- W. C. Fields
=)

"All generalizations are bad."
- R. H. Grenier
=)

"Behind every successful man is a woman,
behind her is his wife."
- Groucho Marx
=)

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
=)

"I can see clearly now, the brain has gone."
- Author Unknown

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse


"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do,
do it all for the glory of God."
- 1 Corinthians 10:31

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and
walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
n

"Every day you may make progress.
Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before
you an ever-lengthening, ever ascending, ever-improving path.
You know you will never get to the end of the journey.
But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the
joy and glory of the climb."
- Winston Churchill
n

"The present is a rope stretched over the past.
The secret to walking it is you never look down."
- Sean Stewart
n

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike.
And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are
fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we
do not take a trip; a trip takes us."
- John Steinbeck
n

"We were not created to be eaten by anxiety,
but to walk erect, free, unafraid in a world where there
is work to do, truth to seek, love to give and win."
- Author Unknown
n

"In matters of style, swim with the current;
in matters of principle, stand like a rock."
- Thomas Jefferson
n

“I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work,
the more I have of it."
- Thomas Jefferson
n

"Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches,
give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid
and crazy, devote your income and labor to others...
And your very flesh shall be a great poem."
- Walt Whitman
n

"Life has got to be lived - that's all there is to it. At 70,
I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly.
You know that 'this too shall pass!'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Summertime Quotes...

Summertime Quotes


"Dirty hands, iced tea, garden fragrances thick in the air,
and a blanket of color before me, who could ask for more?"
- Bev Adams
g

"It was a splendid summer morning and it seemed as if
nothing could go wrong."
- John Cheever
g

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon;
to me those have always been the two most beautiful
words in the English language."
- Henry James
g

"Oh the summer night
Has a smile of light
And she sits on a sapphire throne."
- Barry Cornwall
g

"Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability."
- Sam Keen
g

"A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."
- St. Francis of Assisi
g

"People don't notice whether it's winter or summer
when they're happy."
- Anton Chekhov
g

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone
planted a tree a long time ago."
- Warren Buffett
g

"It's a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do."
- Walter Winchell
g

"To believe in life is to believe there will always be
someone who will water the geraniums."
- Flavia

Joke - Smart Cat...

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him.
He grabbed the kitty and placed him in the car and drove him 20 blocks
from his home and left him at a local park.

He drove the 20 blocks back home. As he turned onto his street, the cat
was walking up his driveway!

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Nearing his home, the cat was in the driveway!

He kept taking the cat further and further away and the cat would always
beat him home!

At last he decided to drive many miles, making many turns, until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance to confuse the cat. Then he left the
cat there.

Hours later his wife received a phone call from the man,"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and
need directions!!!"

More Puns...

More Puns

* A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes in verse.
* In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
* She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A flat miner.
* When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
now fully recovered.
* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blown Apart.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.
* Marathon runners with bad footwear will
suffer the agony of defeat.
* Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

Joke - Golfing on Sunday...

Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. He went to the Associate
Pastor and explained he was feeling sick and convinced him to
preach the sermon for him that morning.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Reverend Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
He knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone - after all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to The Lord while
looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Reverend Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin
dropping just short of it, rolling up and falling into the hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!

Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
- Groucho Marx
=)

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
- Groucho Marx
=)

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him
of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
- Eric Morecambe
=)

"On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather.
We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window."
- Dan Spencer
=)

"A letter is an unannounced visit, the postman the agent of
rude surprises. One ought to reserve an hour a week for
receiving letters and afterwards take a bath."
- Friedrich Nietzsche
=)

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?'
Well, no, I was an accountant."
- Ellen DeGeneres
=)

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
- Homer Simpson,'The Simpsons'
=)

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."
- David Letterman
=)

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
- Robert Frost
=)

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed,
it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing
you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because
then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy
out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
- Charles Schulz, Charlie Brown

Father's Day Quotes and a Verse...

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!! If you missed yesterday's post,
please read it. It's important, especially if you have an elderly parent.

As an idea, how about printing out today's quotes and tucking them into your
dad's card today? I hope everyone is having a great weekend! Sending joy
and love to all the dads out there and especially to my dad, D. F., whom I
love dearly! These quotes are dedicated to you, Dad. Love you, Daddeeooo!!
Val =)

Quotes and a Verse for Father's Day

"Train up a child in the way which he should go and when
he is old he will not depart from it."
- Proverbs 22:6

<><

"Father! - to God Himself we cannot give a holier name."
- William Wordsworth
Y

"It is not flesh and blood, but the heart, which makes us
fathers and sons."
- Johann Schiller
Y

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived,
and let me watch him do it."
- Clarence B. Kelland
Y

"When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper
things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and
blurted, 'She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge.'"
- Helen Hayes
Y

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as
the need for a father's protection."
- Sigmund Freud
Y

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly
stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was
astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
- Mark Twain
Y

"My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard.
Mother would come out and say, 'You're tearing up the grass.'
'We're not raising grass,' Dad would reply.
'We're raising boys.'"
- Harmon Killebrew
Y

"A man never stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child."
- Knights of Pythagoras
Y

"I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich."
- Colonel Potter on M*A*S*H
Y

"Father I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet."
- George Washington
Y

"Be kind to thy father, for when thou were young,
who loved thee so fondly as he? He caught the first accents
that fell from thy tongue, and joined in thy innocent glee."
- Margaret Courtney

- Dedicated to my Dad, D. F., I love you, Dadddeeeoo!

Guest post for Father's Day...

Hi, readers, and happy weekend! An elder-care advocate and lawyer, Jane Allison
Austin, has a guest post below. It touched my heart as I have two elderly parents.
It is perfect for Father's Day weekend, too. Please pay Ms. Allison Austin a visit at
Love Your Parents and tell her Val sent you. Thanks!! Sending joy... Val =)



Joy in the Rain. I love that title -- it describes beautifully what loving Mom or Dad
to the end can be -- where you cherish the joyous moments among the tears. My
father died of Alzheimer’s, and my mother took great care of him every day, even
when he didn’t recognize her. "He may not know me, but I know him," she’d say.

When she began declining several years later, my husband and I invited her to come
live with us in Virginia. She said she didn’t like the cold (she’d come from New
York) and that she wanted to stay in her home in California, where I’d been raised,
and not to worry about her, she’d be fine.

You can guess, it didn’t quite turn out that way. I visited as frequently as I could,
noticing her declining each time, and one Valentine’s Day came for a two-week visit
and ended up staying and caring for her for two years. She had a terrible cough,
which she said the doctor said was a side effect of a medication. After two nights
of hearing her cough, like a smoker’s cough and she never smoked, my husband
wisely said we needed a chest X-Ray. I had to fight to get the X-Ray, but I got it,
and it turned out she had a lung abscess, much worse than pneumonia. With my
husband’s blessing, I stayed in California and became her caregiver and advocate,
an only child with no prior experience. Practicing law hadn’t taught me what to do,
but it did teach me how to ask questions, and be pushy, and figure things out, and
that’s what I did!

If you have an aging parent, and get that call in the middle of the night that Mom or
Dad has fallen or had a stroke, and is in the hospital, you’re whole world turns
upside down. Unless you’ve been in the medical field, you literally feel like you’re
crashing into a system you know nothing about. My goal is to help you learn all you
can before you get to that point so you can love your parents, and deal with the
emotional side, while already being prepared to handle the challenges of hospitals,
discharge planners, case managers, skilled nursing facilities, home health care, and
doctors, who, no matter how capable and caring, you have to stalk for the
information you need to make the best decisions for your parent.

Remember, no one can be a better advocate than you for your Mom or Dad, and that
includes all the medical personnel. Learn all you can, trust your instincts, hold your
parents’ hands and love them. They can be scared, too. Look for the happy
moments, and cherish them. Joy in the Rain.

My mother passed away this spring, but we had nine wonderful months living
together. I’d go into her room and say, "Good morning, Beautiful" as I opened the
curtains. And whenever she would see me (she, too, suffered from dementia in the
end), she would say, "You have the most beautiful teeth."

Every time she said it, I thought it was the funniest thing to say. She had spent a
fortune on dentists and orthodontists, so maybe, I thought, that’s what she was
thinking of. Now, months later, I can still hear her saying it very clearly, and now
I’m thinking, maybe that was my loving Mama, reminding me to keep going to the
dentist -- which I have to admit I neglected while caring for her. So, I’ve got my
appointment set.

Joy in the Rain. To paraphrase C.S. Lewis, the pain now is part of the joy then. To
miss today’s pain would have meant to miss yesterday’s joy.

Blessings, Jane Allison


Jane Allison Austin is an elder care advocate and attorney. She is also the founder
of http://www.LoveYourParents.com

Quotes on Obstacles and Sorrows...

Quotes on Obstacles and Sorrows


"Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of
breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air,
is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies."
- Erich Fromm
(

"Deep, unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism,
a regeneration, the initiation into a new state"
- Ira Gershwin
(

"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh
and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate.
Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible."
- Jane Rubietta
(

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow;
it empties today of its strength."
- Corrie Ten Boom
(

"Every path hath a puddle."
- George Herbert
(

"If you can find a path with no obstacles,
it probably doesn't lead anywhere."
- Frank A. Clark
(

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one
has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
- Booker T. Washington
(

"Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer
where you are likely to rummage some bright morning."
- Robert Brault
(

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience
for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished
your daily task, go to sleep in peace."
- Victor Hugo
(

"I’ve learned that no matter what happens,
or how bad it seems today, life does go on,
and it will be better tomorrow."
- Maya Angelou

Joke - That's Intelligence...

That's Intelligence

"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss
is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" asked the first
ditch digger.

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole, went up to his boss and asked,
"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in
the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss answered.

"What do you mean, intelligence?"

"Well, I'll show you," the boss replied. "I'll put my hand on this
tree and I want you to hit it with your shovel as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing, but the boss removed his
hand, and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

So the ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked,
"What did he say?"

"He said we're down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" asked the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."

Silly Puns...

Silly Puns

=) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

=) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

=) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

=) Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a-salted.

=) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

=) "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

=) The invisible man marries the invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

=) I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

=) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

=) He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the
Mercedes bends.

=) Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

=) A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

=) Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

=) When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

=) It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

=) Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

Some Rules of Life, a note...

Dear friends, I didn't make my trip. I have some personal issues going on.
Please don't worry about me, it's nothing life-threatening, LOL. Posting will
resume as usual. Have a great rest of the week! Val =)


Some Rules of Life

* Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white
coat and carry a clipboard.

* Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought
to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

* Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

* I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

* My reality check bounced.

* On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

* I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

* Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

* Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat
you with experience.

* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the bottom.

* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

* Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

* When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Quotes and a Verse on Calmness and Silence...

Quotes and a Verse on Calmness and Silence

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members
of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."
- Colossians 3:15
<><

"Calmness is the cradle of power."
- Josiah Gilbert Holland
*

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.
God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass -
grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in
silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls."
- Mother Teresa
*

"Silence is a source of great strength."
- Lao Tzu
*

"Everybody should have his personal sounds to listen for -
sounds that will make him exhilarated and alive or quite and calm...
One of the greatest sounds of them all - and to me it is a sound -
is utter, complete silence."
- Andre Kostelanetz
*

"True silence is the rest of the mind;
it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body,
nourishment and refreshment."
- William Penn
*

"Nothing gives a person so much advantage over another as to remain
always cool and unruffled under all circumstances."
- Thomas Jefferson
*

"Only the just man enjoys peace of mind."
- Epicurus
*

"My father used to say to me, 'Whenever you get into a jam,
whenever you get into a crisis or an emergency, become the calmest
person in the room and you'll be able to figure your way out of it.'"
- Rudolph Giuliani
*

"Keep cool and you will command everyone."
- Justinian

Quotes About Grandparents...

Quotes About Grandparents


"Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives
of little children."
- Alex Haley
Y

"A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids
instead of the television."
- Author Unknown
Y

"Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're
just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric."
- Pam Brown
Y

"Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see
just you all day and now the day was complete."
- Marcy DeMaree
Y

"If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,'
you're the grandma."
- Teresa Bloomingdale
Y

"Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting."
- Author Unknown
Y

"It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother -
that's why the world calls her grandmother."
- Author Unknown
Y

"One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grand baby around the finger of a grandfather."
- Joy Hargrove
Y

"Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild."
- A Welsh Proverb
Y

"Grandchildren don't make a man feel old;
it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother."
- G. Norman Collie
Y

"If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first."
- Lois Wyse
Y

- dedicated to Josiah, Jonah, and Jaxon. Welcome to the
world Jaxon!! Love you, boys!!! Grammi =)

A Funny - Parent Readiness Assignments...

Parent Readiness Assignments

To determine if you are ready to have a child,
please go through each of these assignments:

Toy Test
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream as this would wake a child at night.

Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it
into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a
piece of foil. Lastly, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an
empty box of Cocoa Puffs, and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower.

Supermarket Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are excellent) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight. Pay for
anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net
bag making sure that all its arms stay inside.

Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend it
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. When you are done feeding the jug,
dump its contents on the floor.

Car Test
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies
and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There, perfect.

Messiness Test
Smear peanut butter all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a five
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your
bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Rest for one hour. Sleep if
you can. When alarm goes off, pick up your bag and sing every
song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these, too, until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Rest for
one hour. Don't sleep, it will put you into confusion. When alarm
goes off, arise and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years.
Look cheerful all the time.

Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet-
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.

Relationship Humor...

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

8 "Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in
the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if
you can find something to buy with it."

8 "Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer
with us."

8 "Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie.
If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women."

8 "What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on
romance movies."

8 "Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go
furniture shopping."

8 "Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up
in a suit and tie."

8 "Golly, I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for
directions."

8 "My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the
money my parents gave us to get something nice for
the house."

8 "If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with
them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room
painted tonight."

8 "If you're looking for me, I'll be over there looking through the
home decorating magazines."

8 "You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough."

8 "Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the kids and
the housework."


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10 Things Men Know About Women
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A Funny - How To Mess Up a Job Interview...

How to Mess Up a Job Interview

Top personnel from 100 major American corporations were
asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
Some low-lights are below.

l " ...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job
application."

l "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me
and music at the same time."

l "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. He returned
to the office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

l " ...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

l "Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a
hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's
office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

l "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on
his forearm."

l "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering
specific interview questions."

l "When asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and
started tap dancing around my office."

l " ...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture
of me. He said he collected photos of everyone who
interviewed him."

l "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

l "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant
took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through
the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

l "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from
the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut
it off, apologized, and said he had to leave for
another interview."

l "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was
from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this:
'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?'
I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the
interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as
long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later
found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to
get a higher offer."

l "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job,
but the unemployment office needed proof that
he was looking for one."

l " ...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on
my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was
home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

l "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that
if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving,
I began to state why he would never be hired and that I
was going to call the police. He then reached down to the
case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I
did need to get a new desk."

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get."
- Rodney Dangerfield
=)

"Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.'
He told me from now on I have to pay in advance."
- Rodney Dangerfield
=)

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey
=)

"When you don't know what you're talking about,
it's hard to know when you are finished."
- Tommy Smothers
=)

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest, when asked,
"If you could live forever, would you and why?"
=)

"I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last,
I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality."
- Phyllis Diller
=)

"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out
and get more stuff."
- George Carlin
=)

"One needs only two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go
and duct tape to make them stop."
- G. Weilacher
=)

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind
don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
=)

"I like nonsense. It wakes up brain cells."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Family Quotes and a Verse...

Family Quotes and a Verse


They replied, "Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved -
you and your household."
- Acts 16:31
<><

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”
- Jane Howard
g

"You don't chose your family. They are God's gift to you,
as you are to them."
- Desmond Tutu
g

"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave,
but not our hearts."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
g

"To us, family means putting your arms around each other
and being there."
- Barbara Bush
g

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach
great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."
- Brad Henry
g

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts."
- Author Unknown
g

"When you look at your life,
the greatest happinesses are family happinesses."
- Dr. Joyce Brothers
g

"The family is one of nature's masterpieces."
- George Satayana
g

"Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie - not perfect,
but who's complaining?"
- Robert Brault
g

"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space,
the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space."
- Evan Esar

Love Quotes...

Love Quotes

"I have learned not to worry about love,
but to honor its coming with all my heart."
- Alice Walker
Y

"What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that
another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do?"
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Y

"Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends."
- Author Unknown
Y

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen
Y

"When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out."
- Elizabeth Bowen
Y

"For those passionately in love, the whole world seems to smile."
- David Myers
Y

"There is nothing more admirable than two people who see eye-to-eye
keeping house as man and wife, confounding their enemies,
and delighting their friends."
- Homer
Y

"Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends."
- Harville Hendrix
Y

“You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep
because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
Y

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way than this:
Where "I" does not exist nor "you",
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
- Pablo Neruda, 'Love Sonnet XVII'
Y

- This is dedicated to my son, M. P., and his gal, C. C.,
who became engaged earlier this week. Congrats!!
- Happy Birthday, Grace!!

Joke - An Atheist in the Woods...

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 9-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon them, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?!"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive... "

Joke - Fairy Godmother...

Fairy Godmother

A Fairy Godmother greeted a husband and wife at their
anniversary party and said, "For being such an exemplary
married couple for 35 years, I will give each of you one
wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband,"
said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - poof- two tickets
appeared in her hands!

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and
said, "Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity
like this only occurs once in a lifetime."

"So, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than I am."

The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish. The
fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - poof- suddenly
the husband was 90 years old.

Joke - Blind Date...

Blind Date

Joe sets up his buddy Mike on a blind date with his young
lady-friend. But Mike is a little worried about going out
with someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's really unattractive?" asks Mike.
"I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says. "Just go up to her door and meet
her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don't, just shout 'aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and
fake an asthma attack."

So that night Mike knocks on the girl's door, and when she
comes out, he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy
she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"