Parent Readiness Assignments
To determine if you are ready to have a child,
please go through each of these assignments:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream as this would wake a child at night.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it
into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a
piece of foil. Lastly, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an
empty box of Cocoa Puffs, and make an exact replica of the
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are excellent) and take
them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight. Pay for
anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net
bag making sure that all its arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend it
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. When you are done feeding the jug,
dump its contents on the floor.
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies
and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There, perfect.
Smear peanut butter all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a five
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 PM, begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your
bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Rest for one hour. Sleep if
you can. When alarm goes off, pick up your bag and sing every
song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these, too, until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Rest for
one hour. Don't sleep, it will put you into confusion. When alarm
goes off, arise and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years.
Look cheerful all the time.
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet-
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.