Twelve Days of Christmas
December 14, 2010
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been
more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 2010
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts.
The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm
delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 16, 2010
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such
generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me.
Yet, I am not surprised - what more should I expect from such
a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 2010
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice
but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 2010
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for
every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love
it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous
days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come
through with a beautiful, valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 2010
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are
complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please
stop, dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 2010
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-
swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird
droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get
any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so
stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 2010
Alright wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do
with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had
to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by
them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or
you'll be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 2010
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there
are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They
haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to
evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 2010
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem
with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around
me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows
can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere!
The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as
to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of
a reason! You creep! I'm siccing the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 2010
Listen you evil, sadistic maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping
across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some
of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and
is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they
were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied!
You're a rotten, vicious, worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 2010
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one
Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you
attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium,
the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
Loved it. I saw a film once, I think it was French, where each day the previous gifts arrived so that at the end whe had 12 partridges and pear trees. 22 doves, 30 French hens,etc.,
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