New Year's Jokes...

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord,

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes,
Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need
a lot more help.

Amen.

1 1 1

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to
get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing
next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost
crushed to death.

1 1 1

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van
in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by
a policeman. "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"
asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Roger.

"And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on
New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically.

"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.

A Funny - The Month After Christmas...

The Month After Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibble, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt -
I said to myself, as I only can, “You can’t spend
a winter disguised as a man!”
So - away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
‘Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie - not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie.
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore -
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, not long a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Jokes...

Reindeer at a Bar

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door,
bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender
mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the
twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're
the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoof-ful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me
tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

1 1 1

Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree

* It's two feet tall, forty feet wide.
* Salesman opening line: "Your'e not a cop, are you?"
* It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers.
* While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family
caravan for a joy ride.
* Each branch has 'Duraflame' printed on it.
* Keeps heckling your lame top ten list.
* Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
* Some guy named Mujibar puts a crappy Statue of
Liberty on top of it.
* It's very small and says 'air freshener' on it.

- from one of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists

Fun and Funny New Year's Quotes...

Fun and Funny New Year's Quotes


"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
- Bill Vaughn
=)

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.
Middle age is when you're forced to."
- Bill Vaughn
=)

"A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year
and out the other."
- Author Unknown
=)

"New Year's is a harmless annual institution,
of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous
drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."
- Mark Twain
=)

"Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits."
- Author Unknown
=)

"People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas
and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat
between the New Year and Christmas."
- Author Unknown
=)

"Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish
it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bile-less
New Year and leave it at that."
- Judith Crist
=)

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!"
- Joey Adams
=)

"I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans,
of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily
event for me."
- Anais Nin
=)

"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.
So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New
Year's resolution."
- Jay Leno
=)

"Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy, Happy New Year, everybody."
- Phyllis McGinley

Winter Quotes and a Verse...

Winter Quotes and a Verse


"While the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat,
summer and winter, day and night will never cease."
- Genesis 8:22
<><

"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure
of the landscape - the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.
Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show."
- Andrew Wyeth
o

"Every mile is two in winter."
- George Herbert
o

"Winter is the time of promise because there is so
little to do - or because you can now and then permit
yourself the luxury of thinking so."
- Stanley Crawford
o

"When the bold branches bid farewell to rainbow leaves -
Welcome wool sweaters."
- B. Cybrill
o

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth,
for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:
it is the time for home."
- Edith Sitwell
o

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me
there lay an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus
o

"People don't notice whether it's winter or summer
when they're happy.”
- Anton Chekhov
o

"One kind word can warm three winter months."
- A Japanese Proverb
o

"I like these cold, gray winter days.
Days like these let you savor a bad mood."
- Bill Watterson
o

"To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring."
- W. J. Vogel

Christmas Fun...

Merry Christmas, my dear friends, family and readers of this blog!!
I put together a few Christmas links that I thought you may enjoy if
you have a few spare moments today or tomorrow. Pour a cup of
coffee and sit back and enjoy. Most of these are fun and funny. I
hope you and yours are having a warm and safe day...
Sending Christmas joy... Val =)


Christmas Links

Fun With Santa and His Reindeer

Decorate a Tree and a Room

Santa Sings with His Reindeer

Silent Monks "Singing" Hallelujah

The Christmas Can-Can

The 12 Days of Christmas with Jimmy Kimmel and Norah Jones
(funny!)

Oh Holy Night
(sung by Celine Dion... my favorite Christmas hymn)

Christmas Facts

Christmas Quiz

Christmas Coloring Pages for Your Children
(or you!)

Christmas Jokes...

How To Make a Holiday Fruitcake

You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of
baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle
or two of rum.

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's good, let's get started.

Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seapoon
of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum has retained it's fine
quality. Cry another tup. Open a second quart if necessary.

Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup
of fried druit. Mix on the turner, and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in
the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for
tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum.
Now sift the lemon juice, and strain the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one
table. Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't for get to beat off the
turner. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check
the rum again, and bo to ged.

1 1 1

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking
at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the
figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was
about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure
of the little infant Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little
infant?"

Jimmy answered, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to
little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give him a ride around the block in it."

Christmas Jokes...

Lady and Santa

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady
walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very
nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please," said the young lady.

Santa said, "Something for your mother? Well, that is very
thoughtful of you. What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking, she answered, "A son-in-law."

1 1 1


Diamonds for Christmas

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive
vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "but where was I going to find a fake
Jeep?"

This Week's TV Specials, a note...

I did it again. I am late with the holiday TV specials. I am very sorry. I do have
three day's worth here, through Christmas night. There are a lot of specials on,
so I didn't want to forget to post this. I will have two more posts this morning -
Christmas jokes and cartoons. Sorry about the multiple posts, but they are all
Christmas-themed and I want you to view them in time! I hope everyone is
warm and dry and happy! Merry Christmas and Happy Jesus' Birthday!
Sending joy to all... Val =)

Holiday TV Guide

Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Naughty or Nice – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Stealing Christmas – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
Snowglobe – ABC Family, 11:00 a.m.
Holiday in Handcuffs – ABC Family, 1:00 p.m.
Santa Baby – ABC Family, 3:00 p.m.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (2009) – ABC Family, 5:00 p.m.
Disney’s Prep & Landing – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Miracle on 34th Street (1994) – ABC Family, 7:30 p.m.
The 11th Annual A Home For The Holidays – CBS, 8:30 p.m.
The Polar Express – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Life & Adventures of Santa Claus – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
The Little Drummer Boy – ABC Family, 8:00 a.m.
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey – ABC Family, 8:30 a.m.
The Leprechauns’ Christmas Gold – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol – ABC Family, 11:00 a.m.
Winnie the Pooh & Christmas Too – ABC Family, 11:30 a.m.
Pinocchio’s Christmas – ABC Family, 12:00 p.m.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – ABC Family, 1:00 p.m.
Rudolph & Frosty’s Christmas in July – ABC Family, 1:30 p.m.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & the Island of the Misfit Toys – ABC Family, 3:30 p.m.
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 5:00 p.m.
Frosty’s Winter Wonderland – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – ABC Family, 6:30 p.m.
Rudolph’s Shiny New Year – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) – NBC, 8:00 p.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 8:00 p.m.
The Year Without a Santa Claus – ABC Family, 9:00 p.m.
Christmas in July (1940) – TCM, 9:45 p.m.
A Miser Brothers’ Christmas – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 10:00 p.m.

Friday, December 25, 2009
A Christmas Story – TBS, 12:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 2:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 4:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 6:00 a.m.
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 8:00 a.m.
Cranberry Christmas – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
A Christmas Carol (1938, Reginald Owen) – TCM, 9:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 10:00 a.m.
Jingle All the Way – ABC Family, 11:00 a.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 12:00 p.m.
Christmas in Connecticut (1945) – TCM, 12:15 p.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 2:00 p.m.
Miracle on 34th Street (1994) – ABC Family, 3:30 p.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 4:00 p.m.
Holiday Affair (1949)- TCM, 4:30 p.m.
A Christmas Story – TBS, 6:00 p.m.
Elf – USA, 8:00 p.m.
Elf – USA, 9:30 p.m.

Joke - How to Confuse Santa Claus...

How to Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think
he could stand to lose a few pounds.
*

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
*

Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would
mind watering your plants
*

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Wait and see
what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
*

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees
a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
*

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof holding signs that say 'We
hate Christmas' and 'Go away Santa'.
*

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and
sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
*

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says,
'For The Tooth Fairy'. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a
few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, 'For Santa'.
*

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives,
show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the
scene of the crime."
*

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes...

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes


"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence
at Christmastime. Mature, responsible, grown men wear neckties
made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with
raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them."
- P. J. O'Rourke
1

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory,
like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."
- Garrison Keillor
1

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.
In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
- Larry Wilde
1

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts
with next year's money."
- Author Unknown
1

"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist
it would be necessary to invent it."
- Katharine Whitehorn
1

"Oh, for the good old days when people would stop
Christmas shopping when they ran out of money."
- Author Unknown
1

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, 'toys not included'."
- Bernard Manning
1

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has
never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
- Author Unknown
1

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see
him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple
1

"You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
- Robert Redford
1

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in
the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
- Johnny Carson
1

"Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish."
- Benny Hill

Quotes and a Verse for Christmas

Quotes and a Verse for Christmas

"Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall
conceive and bear a son, and shall call His name Immanuel."
- Isaiah 7:14
<><

"This is Christmas: not the tinsel, not the giving and receiving,
not even the carols, but the humble heart that receives anew
the wondrous gift, the Christ."
- Frank McKibben
o

"Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred,
and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit,
become a child again at Christmas-time."
- Laura Ingalls Wilder
o

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning
and not be a child."
- Erma Bombeck
o

"Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us,
that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may
weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting,
or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance -
a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved."
- Augusta E. Rundel
o

"Christmas is the day that holds all time together."
- Alexander Smith
o

"The joy of brightening other lives, bearing others' burdens,
easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with
generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas."
- W. C. Jones
o

"It comes every year and will go on forever.
And along with Christmas belong the keepsakes and the customs.
Those humble, everyday things a mother clings to, and ponders,
like Mary in the secret spaces of her heart."
- Marjorie Holmes
o

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world
in a conspiracy of love!"
- Hamilton Wright Mabie
o

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree:
the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."
- Burton Hillis
o

"I will honor Christmas in my heart,
and try to keep it all the year."
- Charles Dickens
o

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling
and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons.
It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Quotes for Christmas...

Quotes on Giving and Receiving for Christmas


"Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving,
the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given,
the mind of the giver is uplifted."
- Buddha
1

"Gracious acceptance is an art -
an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that
we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things,
which can be much harder than giving... Accepting another person's
gift is allowing to express his feelings for you."
- Alexander McCall Smith
1

"You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."
- Kahlil Gibran
1

"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving."
- Mother Teresa
1

"To give and then not feel that one has given is the very best
of all ways of giving."
- Max Beerbohm
1

"For it is in giving that we receive."
- St. Francis of Assisi
1

"Every charitable act is a stepping stone towards heaven."
- Henry Ward Beecher
1

"You can give without loving,
but you can never love without giving."
- Author Unknown
1

"Many look with one eye at what they give,
but with seven at what they receive."
- A German Proverb
1

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping
a present and not giving it."
- William A. Ward
1

"As I give, I get."
- Mary McLeod Bethune
1

"A generous man forgets what he gives and remembers
what he receives."
- An Old Proverb
1

"You always get back much more than you give."
- Jimmy Carter

Two Christmas Jokes...

Dreaming of Diamonds

On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave
me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening just before opening presents, the husband came home with a small
package and gave it to his wife.

In anticipation, she opened it only to find a book entitled,
'The Meaning of Dreams'.

1 1 1

Praying For Christmas Presents

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparent's home. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs:

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... "

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, But Gramma is!!"

Joke - Top 10 Uses for Holiday Fruitcakes...

Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U. S. Air Force. Let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.


Do you like fruitcake? Can you add to the list?

Joke - Holiday Songs for the Mentally Impaired

Holiday Songs for the Mentally Impaired
(or the Christmas Nut)

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic:
Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And
Stores And Offices And Towns And Cars And Buses And Trucks
And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...

Paranoid:
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

This Week's TV Specials...

So sorry, everyone. I goofed. I didn't post the Holiday TV Guide yesterday. If you were
depending on it, please accept my apologies. Yesterday was pretty crazy for me. My son
left for the Air Force and my mind was busy worrying about him (because I am a mom).
LOL. Below is the TV Guide for this week. I hope you are enjoying the specials like I am!
Sending Christmas joy out... Val =)

P. S. If you are the praying type, please send up a prayer for my son Matt. Thanks!

Holiday TV Guide

Tuesday, December 15, 2009
To Grandmother’s House We Go – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Gotta Catch Santa Claus – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & the Island of Misfit Toys – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York – ABC Family, 8:30 p.m.
Elf – USA, 9:00 p.m.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas (Premiere) – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Pinocchio’s Christmas – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Winnie the Pooh & Christmas Too – ABC Family, 7:30 p.m.
Frosty’s Winter Wonderland – ABC Family, 10:30 p.m.

Thursday, December 17, 2009
A very Brady Christmas – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Christmas Town – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
The Story of the First Christmas Snow – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey – ABC Family, 6:30 p.m
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
Saturday Night Live Christmas 2009 – NBC, 8:00 p.m.
Christmas in Connecticut (1945)- TCM, 8:00 p.m.
Jingle All the Way – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.
Holiday Affair (1949)- TCM, 10:00 p.m.

Friday, December 18, 2009
Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
A Dennis the Menace Christmas – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
Phineas & Ferb Christmas Vacation (Premiere) – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Disney’s Prep & Landing – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Elf – USA, 7:00 p.m.
Frosty The Snowman – CBS, 8:00 p.m.
Frosty Returns – CBS, 8:30 p.m.

Saturday, December 19, 2009
A Flintstone Christmas – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Jingle All the Way – ABC Family, 8:30 a.m.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York – ABC Family, 10:30 a.m.
A Muppets Christmas: Letters To Santa – NBC, 8:00 p.m.

Sunday, December 20, 2009
Jingle All the Way – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
Home Alone 3 – ABC Family, 11:30 a.m.
Home Alone 4 – ABC Family, 1:30 p.m.

Fun and Funny Dog Quotes...

Fun and Funny Dog Quotes

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
- Franklin P. Jones

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andy Rooney

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue."
- Author Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00
a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
- Author Unknown

"Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -
chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest
hunters on earth!"
- Anne Tyler

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
- Dave Barry

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them."
- Phil Pastoret

Generosity Quotes and a Verse for Christmas...

Generosity Quotes and a Verse for Christmas


" ...I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak,
remembering the words the Lord Jesus Himself said: 'It is more blessed to
give than to receive.'"
- Acts 20:35
<><

"If we have the opportunity to be generous with our hearts, ourselves,
we have no idea of the depth and breadth of love's reach."
- Margaret Cho

"To measure the man, measure his heart."
- Malcolm Stevenson
"The manner of giving is worth more than the gift."
- Pierre Corneille
"We should give as we would receive, cheerfully, quickly,
and without hesitation; for there is no grace in a benefit that
sticks to the fingers."
- Seneca
"We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from it."
- William Osler
"It is not what we take up, but what we give up, that makes us rich."
- Henry Ward Beecher
"There are those that give with joy, and that joy is their reward."
- Kahlil Gibran
"In giving you are throwing a bridge across the chasm of your solitude."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Giving opens the way for receiving."
- Florence Scovel Shinn
"People who give will never be poor."
- Anne Frank
"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

Maxine Celebrates Christmas...

If you would like to see what Maxine is up to daily, visit Hallmark's site Crabby Road.
Check out the archives, too. It's fun! An interesting fact - this cartoon was created
and is penned by a gentleman named John Wagner.


Maxine Celebrates Christmas

Marilyn vos Savant Quotes

Marilyn vos Savant Quotes

(Vos Savant is in 'The Guinness Book of
World Records' under "Highest IQ".)


"If your head tells you one thing, and your heart tells you another,
before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a
better head, or a better heart."
1

"To acquire knowledge one must study; but to acquire wisdom,
one must observe."
1

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition.
Giving up is what makes it permanent."
1

"Success is achieved by developing our strengths,
not by eliminating our weaknesses."
1

:Be able to defend your arguments in a rational way.
Otherwise, all you have is an opinion."
1

"There's plenty of intelligence in the world,
but the courage to do things differently is in short supply."
1

"The length of your education is less important than its breadth,
and the length of your life is less important than its depth."
1

"A good idea will keep you awake during the morning,
but a great idea will keep you awake during the night."
1

"What women want is what men want. They want respect."
1

"Avoid using cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs as alternatives to being
an interesting person."
1

"Be able to cite three good qualities of every relative or acquaintance
that you dislike."
1

"Many people feel they must multi-task because everybody else is multitasking,
but this is partly because they are all interrupting each other so much."
1

"Be able to back up a car for a considerable distance in a straight line
and back out of a driveway."
1

"At first I only laughed at myself. Then I noticed that life itself is amusing.
I've been in a generally good mood ever since."

Joke - Christmas for the Optimist and Pessimist

Christmas for the Optimist and Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one
felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud,
the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was
an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve while the twins were sleeping,
their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

Christmas morning, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting
amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I
can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will
eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of
manure.

"Why are you so happy?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Joke - A Holiday Divorce

A Holiday Divorce

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However,
I don't want to discuss it over the phone. I'm merely telling you because you're my
oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing
Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama like this after 54 years together.
What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought
you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore. Please call your sister
and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe
me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come
to a decision. I have an appointment with my lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me
you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer
until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't
bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and
her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in
Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it
on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna,
it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home
for the holidays?"

Christmas Jokes...

First Ham

A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham
to celebrate their first Christmas, she carefully cut off each end
before placing it in the pan.

Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't
know - it's what my mother always did. I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it,
so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma,
who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

1 1 1

Christmas Stamps

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "Goodness! Has it come to this? Give me six Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

This week's TV specials...

Holiday TV Guide

Monday, December 7, 2009
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Elf – USA, 7:00 p.m.
Cranberry Christmas – ABC Family, 7:30 p.m.
Unaccompanied Minors – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special – FOX, 8:00 p.m.
Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town – ABC, 8:00 p.m.
All I Want for Christmas – AMC, 8:00 p.m.
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009
All I Want for Christmas – AMC, 6:00 p.m.
Mickey’s Christmas Carol – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Winnie the Pooh & Christmas Too – ABC Family, 7:30 p.m.
The Year Without a Santa Claus – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
A Miser Brothers’ Christmas – ABC Family, 9:00 p.m.
Rudolph’s Shiny New Year – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Rudolph’s Shiny New Year – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer & the Island of Misfit Toys – ABC Family, 9:00 p.m.
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – ABC Family, 10:30 p.m.

Thursday, December 10, 2009
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
Holiday in Handcuffs – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
A Flintstone Christmas – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Friday, December 11, 2009
The Year Without a Santa Claus – ABC Family, 7:00 p.m.
The Santa Clause 2 – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
A Muppets Christmas: Letters To Santa – NBC, 8:00 p.m.
Yes, Virginia – CBS, 8:00 p.m.
Unaccompanied Minors – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Little Drummer Boy – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
The Story of the First Christmas Snow – ABC Family, 9:30 a.m.
The Little Drummer Boy: Book II – ABC Family, 7:30 a.m.
Pinocchio’s Christmas – ABC Family, 8:00 a.m.
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey – ABC Family, 9:00 a.m.
Jack Frost – ABC Family, 10:00 a.m.
Frosty’s Winter Wonderland – ABC Family, 11:00 a.m.
Cranberry Christmas – ABC Family, 11:30 a.m.
Rudolph & Frosty’s Christmas in July – ABC Family, 12:00 p.m.
A Christmas Carol (1938, Reginald Owen) – TCM, 12:00 p.m.
Rudolph’s Shiny New Year – ABC Family, 2:00 p.m.
The Year Without a Santa Claus – ABC Family, 3:00 p.m.
A Miser Brothers’ Christmas – ABC Family, 4:00 p.m.
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – ABC Family, 5:00 p.m.
The Santa Clause 2 – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – CBS, 8:00 p.m.
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
Christmas in Canaan – Hallmark, 8:00 p.m.
It’s a Wonderful Life – NBC, 8:00 p.m.
The Flight Before Christmas – CBS, 9:00 p.m.
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
A Garfield Christmas – ABC Family, 7:00 a.m.
The Little Rascals Christmas Special – ABC Family, 7:30 a.m.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – ABC Family, 8:00 a.m.
Snow – ABC Family, 10:00 a.m.
Snow 2: Brain Freeze – ABC Family, 12:00 p.m.
A Carol Christmas – ABC Family, 2:00 p.m.
Holiday in Handcuffs – ABC Family, 4:00 p.m.
Santa Baby – ABC Family, 6:00 p.m.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (2009) – ABC Family, 8:00 p.m.
Elf – USA, 9:00 p.m.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe – ABC Family, 10:00 p.m.

Fun and Funny Food Quotes...

Fun and Funny Food Quotes

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that
for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.”
- Sam Levinson
1

“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs,
but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.”
- Gracie Allen
1

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick,
not wounded - dead.”
- Woody Allen
1

“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades.
I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts,
I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”
- Erma Bombeck
1

“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.”
- Joe E. Lewis
1

“Watermelon - it’s a good fruit. You eat, you drink,
you wash your face.”
- Enrico Caruso
1

"Everything you see I owe to spaghetti."
- Sophia Loren
1

“Artichokes … are just plain annoying …
After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much
actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would
from licking thirty or forty postage stamps.
Have the shrimp cocktail instead.”
- Miss Piggy
1

“Health food makes me sick.”
- Calvin Trillin
1

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods.
They need all the preservatives they can get.”
- Robert Orben
1

"Be a Froot Loop in a world of Cheerios."
- Sandra R.

Quotes and a Verse on Adversity...

Quotes and a Verse on Adversity

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials,
for we know that they help us develop endurance."
- Romans 5:3
<><

"A dose of adversity is often as needful as a dose of medicine."
- An Old West Pioneer Saying
()

"Do not become discouraged in the face of adversity because
you understand that the bigger the heart, the bigger the obstacles
it is asked to accommodate."
- Author Unknown
()

"In every adversity there lies the seed of an equivalent advantage.
In every defeat is a lesson showing you how to win the victory
next time."
- Robert Collier
()

"A windmill's true power is revealed only when it faces the wind -
a person's only when they face adversity."
- Author Unknown
()

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:
if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would
not be so welcome."
- Charlotte Bronte
()

"If you watch how nature deals with adversity, continually renewing itself,
you can't help but learn."
- Bernie Siegel
()

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which, in prosperous
circumstances, would have lain dormant."
- Horace
()

"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire,
which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which
kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."
- Washington Irving
()

"The firmest friendships have been formed in mutual adversity,
as iron is most strongly united by the fiercest flame."
- Charles Caleb Colton
()

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles,
have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a
kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
- Walt Disney
()

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."
- Frank A Clark
()

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire,
then you got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience."
- Robert Fulghum