"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard M. Nixon
"I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time,
but you're twenty minutes."
- Oscar Wilde
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit."
- William Shakespeare
"The average person thinks he isn't."
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
"A word to the wise ain't necessary,
it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
- Bill Cosby
"The best way to save face is to keep the
bottom half shut."
- Author Unknown
"Retirement must be wonderful. I mean,
you can suck in your stomach for only so long."
- Burt Reynolds
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I
couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more."
- Walter Matthau
"If God wanted us to bend over He'd put diamonds
on the floor."
- Joan Rivers
"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
- A Proverb
"A witty saying proves nothing."