History and Lyrics of Auld Lang Syne

History and Lyrics of Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the
1700's and was first published in 1796 after his death.
Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and
inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition.
'Auld Lang Syne', an old Scotch tune, literally means
'old long ago' or 'the good old days'.

Its lyrics and meanings are below:



Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp,
And surely I'll be mine,
And we'll tak a cup o kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine,
But we've wander'd monie a weary fit,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

Meanings:

auld lang syne - times gone by
be - pay for
braes - hills
braid - broad
burn - stream
dine - dinner time
fiere - friend
fit - foot
gowans - daisies
guid-willie waught - goodwill drink
monie - many
morning sun - noon
paidl't - paddled
pint-stowp - pint tankard
pou'd - pulled
twa - two

Wishing you and yours a safe
and Happy New Year!! Val =)

Joke - New Year's Eve Lecture

New Year's Eve Lecture

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the
car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Roger.

"And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this
time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically.

"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.


Val

A Funny - What I've Learned From a Snowman...

What I've Learned From a Snowman

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

It takes a few extra rolls to
make a good mid-section.

It's OK to be flaky once in a while.



Avoid yellow snow.

When life gives you snow, make snowballs.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

Just like snowflakes, each person is unique.

Don't get too much sun.



It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

You know you've made it when they
write a song about you.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul!

Fun and Funny New Year's Quotes

Fun and Funny New Year's Quotes

"Cheers to a New Year and another
chance for us to get it right."
- Oprah Winfrey
-~-
"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted
time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin
paving hell with them as usual."
- Mark Twain
-~-
"May all your troubles last as long as
your New Year's resolutions!"
- Joey Adam
-~-
"An optimist stays up until midnight
to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays
up to make sure the old year leaves."
- Bill Vaughan
-~-
"New Year's is a harmless annual institution,
of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat
for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls
and humbug resolutions."
- Mark Twain
-~-
"People are so worried about what they eat
between Christmas and the New Year, but they
really should be worried about what they eat
between the New Year and Christmas."
- Author Unknown
-~-
"Never tell your resolution beforehand,
or it's twice as onerous a duty."
- John Selden
-~-
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay
up late on New Year's Eve. Middle Age
is when you're forced to."
- Bill Vaughn
-~-
"It wouldn't be New Year's
if I didn't have regrets."
- William Thomas
-~-
"Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy,
Happy New Year, everybody."
- Phyllis McGinley

Dearest Readers, Wishing you and yours a
wonderful new year filled with small joys,
good health, and love... Val xox

Kindness Quotes...

Kindness Quotes

"Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you."
- Luke 6:31
-~-
"Be not forgetful to entertain
strangers for thereby some have
entertained angels unawares."
- Hebrews 13:2
-~-
“Smile at each other, smile at your wife,
smile at your husband, smile at your children,
smile at each other - it doesn't matter who it is -
and that will help you to grow up in greater
love for each other.”
- Mother Teresa
-~-
"Too often we underestimate the
power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,
a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the
smallest act of caring, all of which have the
potential to turn a life around."
- Leo Buscaglia
-~-
"There is only one way of not hating those who
do us wrong, and that is by doing them good."
- Henri Amiel
-~-
"How far you go in life depends
on you being tender with the young,
compassionate with the aged, sympathetic
with the striving and tolerant of the weak and
the strong. Because someday in life you
will have been all of these."
- George Washington Carver
-~-
"Wherever there is a human being,
there is an opportunity for kindness."
- Seneca
-~-
"It is one of the most beautiful
compensations of this life that no man
can sincerely try to help another
without helping himself."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-~-
"Never look down on anybody unless
you're helping them up."
- Reverend Jesse Jackson
-~-
"Keep doing good deeds long enough,
and you'll probably turn out a good
man in spite of yourself."
- Louis Auchincloss

~dedicated to J. and K. K.~

Quotes for a New Year...

Quotes for a New Year

"Be always at war with your vices,
at peace with your neighbors, and let
each new year find you a better man."
- Benjamin Franklin

"New Year's Day is every man's birthday."
- Charles Lamb

“The object of a new year is not that we should have
a new year. It is that we should have a new soul”
- G. K. Chesterton

"New Year's eve is like every other night;
there is no pause in the march of the universe,
no breathless moment of silence among created
things that the passage of another twelve months
may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same
thoughts this evening that come with the
coming of darkness on other nights."
- Hamilton Wright Mabie

"No one ever regarded the First of January
with indifference. It is that from which all date
their time, and count upon what is left. It is
the nativity of our common Adam."
- Charles Lamb

"A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one year and out the other."
- Author Unknown

"Year's end is neither an end nor a
beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom
that experience can instill in us."
- Hal Borland

"Every man should be born again on the first
day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one
hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one,
according to circumstances; but on the first of January
let every man gird himself once more, with his
face to the front, and take no interest in the
things that were and are past."
- Henry Ward Beecher

"A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year."
- Edgar Guest

A Funny - 'Twas the Night After Christmas (Rated PG)

'Twas the Night After Christmas (Rated PG)
by Jeff Foxworthy


'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was
staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their
lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He
yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just
what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs
like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds
like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red. I'm
here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've
seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the heck, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent
New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had
been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of
them UFOs. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof
of our good neighbor Red.


Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on
Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this
feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was
out bowlin'. So I yelled, 'Drop fat boy, hands in the air!' But he went about his business like he
hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort, 'That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.'"

A Christmas Message...

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was
pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was
found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband
was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he
had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a
dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home
as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She
will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he
will save his people from their sins."

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet:
"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call
him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded
him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she
gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.
- Matthew 1:18-25

Please press link below. It is my favorite Christmas song sung by my
favorite artist, Josh Groban. May it touch you on this blessed day.

O Holy Night

From my home to yours, wishing you the
warmest and most wonderful Christmas.

God, Common Sense, and Fur...

This is a sweet, Christmas story sent to me by my
friend Cathy. It is worth the read! Thanks, Cathy!!

Gold, Common Sense and Fur
By Linda C. Stafford

My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with the Word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, he blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned not to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had blessed me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humour rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close - I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us ever-lasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."

Maxine on Christmas...

Maxine Sharing Christmas With Us

Joke - Santa is a Girl

Santa is a Girl

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl-full of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously harm their macho image.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

- By Rex Alexander

Christmas Quotes in Literature and on TV...

Christmas Quotes in Literature and on Television

"I have always thought of Christmas time,
when it has come round, as a good time; a kind,
forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of,
in the long calendar of the year, when men and women
seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely,
and to think of people below them as if they really
were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another
race of creatures bound on other journeys."
- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
---
"There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake
on Christmas morning and not be a child."
Erma Bombeck, I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression
---
"Christmas is a time when people of all religions
come together to worship Jesus Christ."
- Bart Simpson, The Simpsons
---
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.
In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall."
- Larry Wilde, in The Merry Book of Christmas
---
"Mail your packages early so the post office
can lose them in time for Christmas."
- Johnny Carson
---
Linus Van Pelt:
"And there were in the same country
shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their
flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon
them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them:
and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,
'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great
joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day
in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And
this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped
in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly
there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host,
praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"

[Linus picks up his blanket and walks
back towards Charlie Brown]

Linus Van Pelt:
"That's what Christmas is all
about, Charlie Brown."
- Charles Schulz, Charlie Brown Christmas
---
"Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish."
- Benny Hill
---
"Somehow, not only for Christmas
But all the long year through,
The joy that you give to others
Is the joy that comes back to you.

And the more you spend in blessing
The poor and lonely and sad,
The more of your heart's possessing
Returns to you glad."
- John Greenleaf Whittier

Quotes on Receiving...

Quotes on Receiving

"So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer,
believe that you have received it,
and it will be yours."
- Matthew 21:22
--
"God gives nothing to those who
keep their arms crossed."
- African Proverb
--
"Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which
most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have
to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting
things, which can be much harder than giving...
Accepting another person's gift is allowing
to express his feelings for you."
- Alexander McCall Smith
--
"He who receives a good turn should never forget it;
he who does one should never remember it."
- Marcel Proust
--
"Each day offers us the gift of being a special
occasion if we can simply learn that as well as giving,
it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart."
- Sarah Ban Breathnach
--
"Many look with one eye at what they give,
but with seven at what they receive."
- German Proverb
--
"Friendship consists in forgetting;
what one gives, and remembering what
one receives."
- Alexandre Dumas Pere
--
"May no gift be too small to give,
nor too simple to receive, which is wrapped
in thoughtfulness, and tied with love."
- L. O. Baird
--
"It takes great generosity to accept generosity."
-Merle Shain
--
"If my hands are fully occupied in holding on to
something, I can neither give nor receive."
- Dorothee Solle
--
"Everything in life is most fundamentally a gift.
And you receive it best and you live it best
by holding it with very open hands."
- Leo O'Donovan
--
"You always get back much more than you give."
- Jimmy Carter

Giving Quotes...

Giving Quotes

"The feelings shared during Christmas will last
much longer than the gifts we receive."
- John A. Jenson

"The manner of giving is worth
more than the gift."
- Pierre Corneille

"We should give as we would receive,
cheerfully, quickly, and without hesitation;
for there is no grace in a benefit that
sticks to the fingers."
- Seneca

"What is bought is cheaper than a gift."
- Portuguese Proverb

"A gift in season is a double
favor to the needy."
- Publilius Syrus

"Every gift, though it be small, is in reality,
great if given with affection."
- Pindar

"You give but little when you give
of your possessions. It is when you give
of yourself that you truly give."
- Kahlil Gibran

"If instead of a gem, or even a flower,
we should cast the gift of a loving thought
into the heart of a friend, that would be
giving as the angels give."
- George MacDonald

"A hug is a great gift - one size fits all,
and it's easy to exchange."
- Author Unknown

"Give what you have. To someone, it may
be better than you dare to think."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

A Funny - A Microsoft Christmas

A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington state
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny, red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! You are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
"Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night."

Joke - Lost X-Files Christmas Episode

Lost X-Files Christmas Episode


Mulder:
We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully:
Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder:
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,
mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked
with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully:
You really think someone's been here?

Mulder:
Someone or some thing.

Scully:
Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder:
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully:
It's O.K. There's a note attached:
"Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder:
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully:
Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder:
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.
Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said
to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully:
But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten
children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder:
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite
marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through
this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully:
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder,
this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder:
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully:
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder:
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve,
and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully:
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in?
The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder:
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully:
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature
landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're
crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide.
Nothing could get through there.

Mulder:
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully:
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder:
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was
a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long
white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head.
Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror.
I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow
taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully:
Impossible.

Mulder:
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind.
It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully.
IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully:
I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being
who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls
and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand
the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder:
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping.
It knows when you're awake.

Scully:
But we have no proof.

Mulder:
Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes
detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states.
The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully:
But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder:
Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody -
not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government
doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear
that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy
. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world
believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.
They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully:
Mulder, I --

Scully:
On the roof. It sounds like... a clatter.

Mulder:
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...

A Funny - 12 Days of Christmas...

Twelve Days of Christmas...

December 14, 2003

Dearest Dave,


I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!


With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived
today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting
three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised - what more should I expect from such a nice
person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is
enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible
darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were
starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful, valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to
the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are
complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop, dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!??
There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous
wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's
not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I
can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they
certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are
getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a
petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four
hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep,
and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to
give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep!
I'm siccing the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and
even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be
condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are
satisfied - you rotten, vicious, worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on
our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms.
Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

A Funny - Rules for Buying Men Gifts

Rules for Buying Men Gifts

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way,
are you done with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car - a
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-
screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go
wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will
sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless
drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely
everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock.
Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les
Schwab Tire (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are
also excellent men's stores). It doesn't matter if he doesn't
know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I
need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks!"

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound
propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.
If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what
happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must
be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or
at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet
of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

A Funny...

There was a concert in Central Park, New York City on a chilly and windy day. The last work on the program was Schubert's Symphony #9. During the intermission the wind was blowing the pages of the music around so the librarian took some string and attached them to the music stands. It was so cold the two trumpet players found their lips were sticking to their mouth pieces, so they had to go home, and the entire bass violin section went across the street to a bar to warm up.

So when the intermission was over and the conductor stepped up to the podium it was the top of the ninth, the scores were tied, there were two men out and the basses were loaded.

Thanks to DB for this joke!

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes!...

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season;
the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church;
the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue;
the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!'
or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists)
'Look out for the wall!'"
- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"

"Christmas is a race to see which gives first -
your money or your feet."
- Author Unknown

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times
more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early.
And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus,
we'll be seeing six or seven."
- W. C. Fields

"Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people once a year."
- Victor Borge

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory,
like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."
- Garrison Keillor

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past
forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about
office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man
would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."
- Dick Gregory

"Christmas is the Disneyfication of Christianity."
- Don Cupitt

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas
with a note on it saying, toys not included."
- Bernard Manning

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store
and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in
the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."
- Johnny Carson

"You know you're getting old when
Santa starts looking younger."
- Robert Paul

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
It came without ribbons. It came without tags.
It came without packages, boxes or bags.
And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Uniqueness Quotes...

Uniqueness Quotes

"I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
wonderful are Your works, and my
soul knows it very well."
- Psalm 139:14

"Each person born into the world has a
part in God's plan that no one else can fill.
Each individual is unique in God's creation."
- Rev. Dale Turner

"The thing that is really hard,
and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself."
- Anna Quindlen

"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are
tiny matters compared to what lives within us."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"It is of practical value to learn to like yourself.
Since you must spend so much time with yourself,
you might as well get some satisfaction out of
the relationship."
- Norman Vincent Peale

"Best to be yourself, imperial, plain, and true!"
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Our true worth does not consist in what
human beings think of us. What we really are
consists in what God knows us to be."
- St. John Berchmans

"When you affirm your own rightness
in the universe, then you cooperate with others
easily and automatically as part of your own nature.
You, being yourself, help others be themselves."
- Jane Roberts

"I was always looking outside myself
for strength and confidence, but it comes
from within. It is there all the time."
- Anna Freud

"You were meant to be yourself at your best.
If you do not become your truest, strongest,
deepest self, what you were meant
to contribute will never be done."
- Rev. Dale Turner

"If you are what you should be,
you will set the whole world on fire.
Let the truth be your delight... proclaim it...
but with a certain congeniality."
- Saint Catherine of Siena

"Think for yourself and let others
enjoy the privilege of doing so too."
- Voltaire

Christmas Quotes

Christmas Quotes

"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the
past, courage for the present, hope for the future.
It is the fervent wish that every cup may overflow
with blessings rich and eternal, and that
every path may lead to peace."
- Agnes Pharo

"The best of all gifts around any
Christmas tree: the presence of a happy
family all wrapped up in each other."
- Burton Hillis

"Blessed is the Season which engages
the whole world in a conspiracy of love."
- Hamilton Wright Mabie

"Christmas waves a magic wand over
this world, and behold, everything is
softer and more beautiful."
- Norman Vincent Peale

"A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
it makes no noise at all, but softly
gives itself away."
- Eva Logue

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He exists as certainly as love and generosity and
devotion exists, and you know that they abound
and give to your life its highest beauty and joy."
- Charles Dana

"I will honor Christmas in my heart
and try to keep it all the year."
- Charles Dickens

"Christmas is the day that
holds all time together."
- Alexander Smith

"The only blind person at Christmastime is
he who has not Christmas in his heart."
- Helen Keller

"Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration
is being wreathed in smiles."
- Author Unknown

Do you have a favorite quote?

Does one spark a memory?

Joke - Dog or Dawg?

Dog or Dawg?

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand
the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes
The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Bad Dawg or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg,
Good Dawg To Guard The Still

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck Fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another Kind Of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda
Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any Dog That Raids The Hen House
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any Lazy Dog
(Southern) Good Fer Nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any Dog That's Dead & Buried & Gone
To Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best Danged Dawg I Ever Had

Bob Hope Humor

Bob Hope Quotes
(May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003)

On turning 70:
"You still chase women,
but only downhill."
---
On turning 80:
"That's the time of your life when even
your birthday suit needs pressing."
---
On turning 90:
"You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake."
---
On turning 100:
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
---
On giving up his early career, boxing:
"I ruined my hands in the ring...
the referee kept stepping on them."
---
On never winning an Oscar:
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
---
On golf:
"Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees."
---
On Presidents:
"I have performed for 12 Presidents
and entertained only six."
---
On why he chose show business for a career:
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
---
On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal:
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the
strength of character to fight it."
---
On his family's early poverty:
"Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold,
mother threw on another brother."
---
On his six brothers:
"That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom."
---
On his early failures:
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't
for the stuff the audience threw at me."
---
On going to Heaven:
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to
blow the hereafter on a technicality."