Joke - 21st Birthdays...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Character Quotes and a Bible Verse...

Character Quotes and a Bible Verse

<><

"For this very reason,
make every effort to add to your faith goodness;
and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control;
and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance,
godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness;
and to brotherly kindness, love."
- 2 Peter 1:5-7

<><

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through

experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,

vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved."

- Helen Keller

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"Character is higher than intellect. A great soul

will be strong to live as well as think."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't

hear what you're saying."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were

going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care,

kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with

no thought of any reward. Your life will

never be the same again.”

– Og Mandino

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"No matter how full a reservoir of maxims one may possess,

and no matter how good one's sentiments may be, if one have

not taken advantage of every concrete opportunity to act,

one's character may remain entirely unaffected

for the better."

- William James

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"The best index to a person's character is

(a) how he treats people who can't do him any good,

and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back."

- Abigail van Buren

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"If you lose your wealth, you have lost nothing,

If you lose your health, you have lost something,

But if you lose your character,

you have lost everything."

- Woodrow Wilson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"A person reveals his character by nothing

so clearly as the joke he resents."

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character

by his way of eating jelly beans."

- Ronald Reagan

- Happy Birthday, Therese and Carl !!

Joke - Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created...

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 

  9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote. 

  8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve
to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to
put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
child-bearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles
on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."

A Funny - Test Mistakes...

Test Mistakes

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high
school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what
weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time
and grades.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire.”

“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until
it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

Joke - How is She Doing?...

How is She Doing?

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how
a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can. What's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said,

"Norma Findlay, room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check
with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and
said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma
is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work
just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma
your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
No one tells me anything."

Elderly Humor...

Elderly Humor

Advice to an Elderly Fellow

An elderly fellow (not in the best shape) was working out
at the gym when he spotted a sweet, young thing.

He asked his nearby trainer, "What machine in here should
I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

His trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby."

***

Games For Our Golden Years

Sag, You're It!
Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick The Bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over

Simon Says Something Incoherent

Hide And Go Pee

Spin The Bottle of Mylanta

Musical Recliners

***

Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and
1983....

Joke - Corporate Structure...

Corporate Structure

 

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding
bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful
than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start
and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not
quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor
swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with
a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally
addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap
buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun
without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes a locomotive two out of
three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life
preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says,
"Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud
puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives
off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes


"Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver."
- William James

"Some people are like Slinkies...
not really good for anything, but you can't help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown

"Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'If an emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?"
- Author Unknown

"There has been much tragedy in my life;
at least half of it actually happened."
- Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for
most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."
- Author Unknown

"Pay no attention to what the critics say;
no statue has ever been erected to a critic."
- Jean Sibelius

"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
- Bob Monkhouse

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Author Unknown

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom


 

Joke - Waiting in Line...

Waiting in Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart,
Target, and my local grocer for having 25 check-out lanes
and only three open at any given time.
Here are some creative ways to spend your time:


* Catch up on magazine reading.

* Retrieve the 13 things you forgot on your list.

* Be an annoying cell phone user and catch up on all the
phone calls to your insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Anne.

* Catch a quick cat nap.

* Assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.

* Finally apply a top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.

* Run next door and pick up your dry cleaning.

* Practice your stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.

* Practice some standing yoga poses.

* Taste a cookie in the package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

* Breathe heavily on your T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner so you won't have to leave them out on
the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun like you
normally do.

Overcoming Depression Quotes...

Overcoming Depression Quotes

"Mental health problems do not affect three or four
out of every five persons, but one out of one."
- Dr. William Menninger

"Take the first step, no more, no less,
and the next will be revealed."
- Ken Roberts

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling
with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain.
But you have already borne the pain. What you have not
done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
- Kahlil Gibran

"Hope is grief’s best music."
- Author Unknown

"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best
antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset.
It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens.
It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."
- Greenville Kleiser

"In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair,
there are always certain things to cling to. Little things
usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child,
a tree in the wind - in fact, any reminder of something
deeply felt or dearly loved. No man is so poor as not to
have many of these small candles. When they are lighted,
darkness goes away - and a touch of wonder remains."
- "These Small Candles", a tombstone inscription in Britain

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all,
I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
- Agatha Christie

"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks
if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."
- Dr. Al Lorin

"Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it."
- Helen Keller

The first week of October (2 - 8) is National Mental Illness
Awareness Week. If you are hurting, please let someone know!!
If you have no one to turn to, the crisis line below is open year-
round, 24/7. They care and will not judge you!

Visit NAMI for more details on mental health.

- dedicated to J. and S., two hurting young people,
who left this earth too soon.

Thinking Outside The Box...

Thinking Outside The Box

Centuries ago, in a small Italian town, a merchant had the mis-
fortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's
beautiful daughter, so he proposed a bargain. He promised to
cancel the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's
daughter.

Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. The cunning moneylender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have
to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black
pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife, and her
father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white
pebble, she need not marry him, and her father's debt would
still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her
father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed
that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the
bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What
would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise
her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would
produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in
the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in
order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used
with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference
between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot
be solved with traditional, logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-
strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other
pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she
had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not
admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
Moral of the Story: Most complex problems do have a
solution. Sometimes we have to think about them in a
different way.

WOW

Joke - You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* You lick your coffee pot clean.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator

to take your pulse.

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Your only sources of nutrition comes

from 'Sweet & Low'.

* You don't sweat - you percolate.

* You've worn out the handle on your

favorite coffee mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

* Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You want to be cremated so you can spend

eternity in a coffee can.

* You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the

sipping position.

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

with an I. V. hookup.

A Funny - New Words For The Dictionary...

New Words For The Dictionary

accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and re-fold

a road map at the same time.

aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the

bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

aqualibrium (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking

fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from

having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

burgacide (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more

torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

buzzacks (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up

display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the

phones are not connected.

carpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of

running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching

over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give

the vacuum one more chance.

dimp (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by

asking, "Do you work here?"

disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped

on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all

the germs.

ecnalubma (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in

the rearview mirror.

eiffelites (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the

movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one

armrest at a movie theater.

elecelleration (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more

you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the

dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally

decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here'

spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal side'.

peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole

purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want

ground pepper.

phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and

forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog

presses its nose to it.

telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the

phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only

six inches away.

Over 40 Humor...

The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40

* Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than

The National Weather Service.

* People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

* You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

* You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

* You have a party and the neighbors

don't even realize it.

 

* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

* You quit trying to hold your stomach in,

no matter who walks into the room.

* You sing along with elevator music.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Your investment in health insurance is finally

beginning to pay off.

* * * *

Necessary Information for the

40-and-Older Crowd

* If you're too open-minded,

your brains will fall out.

* Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion

that life is serious.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite

government program.

* If you look like your passport picture,

you probably need the trip.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice

the speed of checks.

* Men are from earth. Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

* Opportunities always look bigger

going than coming.

* Junk is something you've kept for years and

throw away three weeks before you need it.

* There is always one more imbecile

than you counted on.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice

contrast to the real world.

* It ain't the jeans that make your bottom look big.