Joke - The Deaf Golfer

The Deaf Golfer

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man proceeded to whack his ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

Quotes and a Verses on Being Unique...

Quotes and a Verse on Being Unique

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them."
-Psalm 139:13-16

"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are,
what you believe, shine through every sentence you write,
every piece you finish."
- John Blake

"Every man's life is a fairy tale
written by God's finger."
- Hans Christian Andersen

Joke - If Bo Derek Married Don Ho...

If Bo Derek Married Don Ho...

* If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

* If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

* If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

* If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

* If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

* If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton- John Newton John.

* If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

* If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

* If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

* If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

* How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

* If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

* Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Hughes Dare.

* If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

* If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

* If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

* If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then Mr. Lucky, then Martin Short, then football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

Joke - The Final Exam

The Final Exam

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them were receiving straight "A"s in the subject. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided they would explain to their professor why they had missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. T hey studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy...

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Quotes on Happiness...

Quotes on Happiness

"At first, I only laughed at myself.
Then I noticed that life itself is amusing.
I've been in a generally good mood ever since."
- Marilyn vos Savant

"The person who knows how to laugh at himself
will never cease to be amused."
- Shirley Maclaine

"The best revenge is happiness."
- Susan Lindt

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."
- J.D. Salinger

"The thing with pretending you're in a
good mood is that sometimes you can actually
trick yourself into feeling better."
- Charles de Lint, Memory & Dream

Joke - With age comes wisdom

With Age Comes Wisdom

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish and play golf. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Joke - Top 50 Oxymorons

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top Oxy-Moron:

1. Microsoft Works

Quotes on Emotions and Feelings

Quotes on Feelings

"Mankind are governed more by their
feelings than by reason."
- Samuel Adams

"Our feelings are our most genuine
paths to knowledge."
- Audre Lorde

"One of the quickest ways to become exhausted
is by suppressing your feelings."
- Sue Patton Thoele

"Human relations are built on feeling, not on reason
or knowledge. And feeling is not an exact science,
like all spiritual qualities, it has the vagueness
of greatness about it."
- Amelia Barr

"A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings
dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well."
- Louisa May Alcott

Joke - Bye Bye Lexus

Bye-Bye Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door! The attorney immediately grabbed his cell phone, hit speed dial for 911, and had a policeman there in three minutes.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. He had just picked up the Lexus the day before, and now it would never be the same, no matter how good a job the body shop does.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" he responded indignantly.

The cop replied, "You didn't even notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"OH, NO!" screamed the lawyer in shock. "Where is my Rolex?!"

Quotes on Friendship...

Quotes on Friendship

"The friends who listen to us are the ones we
move toward, and we want to sit in their radius,
it creates us, makes us unfold and expand."
- Karl Menninger

"Of all the moments we gather in our lives,
those we cherish most are moments shared."
- Flavia

"People who matter are most aware
that everyone else does, too."
- Malcolm Forbes

"Some people cast a steady light upon our faith
and guide our every step. Their steady belief
in us helps us to believe in ourselves."
- Flavia

"Friendship often ends in love;
but love in friendship - never."
- Charles Caleb Colton

Joke - What Did You Do All Day?

What Did You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day??"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Quotes on Faith...

Quotes on Faith

"Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it by the handle of
anxiety, or by the handle of faith."
- author unknown

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight
awhile on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her,
and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."
- Victor Hugo

"Faith makes things possible, not easy."
- author unknown

"As your faith is strengthened you will find
that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control,
that things will flow as they will, and that you will
flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."
- Emmanuel

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."
- author unknown

Quotes on Life and Living...

Quotes on Life and Living

"Here is the test to find whether your mission
on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach

"If you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs,
you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very
opposite of death, and therefore you must at very
least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive."
- Mel Brooks

"I still find each day too short for all the
thoughts I want to think, all the walks
I want to take, all the books I want to
read, and all the friends I want to see."
- John Burroughs

"The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing."
- Marcus Aurelius

Joke - On Having Children

On Having Children

Birth order

first baby: You begin to wear maturnity clothes as soon as your Ob/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

second Baby: You wear your regular clothes as long as possible.

third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

Preparing for Birth

first baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

second baby: You don't bother because after the first baby, you found out that breathing doesn't do a thing.

third baby: You ask for an epidural that eighth month of your pregnancy.

The Layette

first baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color coordinate them and fold them perfectly in the baby's bureau.

second baby: You check to make sure the baby's clothes are clean and discard the ones with the dark stains.

third baby: Boy's can wear pink can't they?

Worries

first baby: The first sign of distress or even a whimper you pick the baby up.

second baby: You pick him/her up when the wails threaten to wake up your first born.

third baby: You teach your three year old how to wind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier

first baby: If the pacifier falls out of the baby's mouth you put it away until you can get home and wash and boil it.

second baby: When the pacifier falls out you squirt it with some juice until you can get home.

third baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering

first baby: You change your baby's diaper every hour whether he/she needs it or not.

second baby: You change the baby's diaper every two to three hours when needed.

third baby: You try to change the baby's diapers before someone starts to complain about the smell or the diaper is hanging down below his/her knees.

Activities

first baby: You take your baby to the baby gym, baby swing, and baby gymnastics.

second baby: You take your infant to baby gymnastics.

third baby: You take your infant to the grocery store and the cleaners.

Going out

first baby: The first time you leave your baby at a sitter's you call every five minutes.

second baby: Just before you walk out the door you remember to leave the number of where you can be reached.

third baby: You leave instructions for the baby to only call if she sees blood.

At home

first baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

second baby: You spend a good part of the day watching to make sure the older sibling is not sqeezing, hitting or choking the other baby.

third baby: You spend a litte bit of every day hiding from the children.

swallowing coins

first baby: When your first child swalows a coin you take your child to the hospital emergency room demanding x rays.

second baby: When your second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch until he passes the coin.

third baby: When a third child swallow a coin ,you deduct it from their allowance.

Joke - 710

710

A blonde entered her local garage and asked the mechanic behind the front desk for a seven-hundred-ten. The mechanic looked at her confused and asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one...'"

She explained that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

To see where she pointed click here.

Cat Quotes...

Cat Quotes

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff."
- author unknown

"Cats never strike a pose that isn't photogenic."
- Lillian Jackson Braun

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Most beds sleep up to six cats.
Ten cats without the owner."
- Stephen Baker

"Every dog has his day -
but the nights are reserved for the cats."
- author unknown

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get
eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"If there were to be a universal sound depicting peace,
I would surely vote for the purr."
- Barbara L. Diamond

Quotes and Verses on Forgiveness

Quotes and Verses on Forgiveness

"Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.
Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you.
Forgive others, and you will be forgiven."
- Luke 6:37

"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor,
and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, even as God, for Christ's sake has forgiven you."
- Ephesians 4:31-32

"Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free,
only to find that the prisoner was you."
- author unknown

"If you judge people,
you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa

A funny - Don't Use While Sleeping

Don't Use While Sleeping

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:

Actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on box bottom):
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product willbe hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(And whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction if we just
kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Hmm, now I'm curious.)

Quotes on Happiness

Quotes on Happiness

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves,
and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
- Agnes Repplier

"Why not seize the pleasure at once?
How often is happiness destroyed
by preparation, foolish preparation!"
- Jane Austen

"Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how
dearly we pay for its counterfeit."
- Hosea Ballou

"It takes great wit and interest and energy
to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a
great activity. One must be open and alive.
It is the greatest feat man has to accomplish."
- Robert Herrick

"The happiness of a man in this life
does not consist in the absence but
in the mastery of his passions."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Joke - The Chief Knows Weather

The Chief Knows Weather

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely, we did a study," the weatherman replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Inspirational Quotes...

Inspirational Quotes

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except
by those who dared believe that something
inside them was superior to circumstance."
- Bruce Barton

"Trust the still, small voice that says,
'this might work and I’ll try it.'"
– Diane Mariechild

"Whatever you are by nature, keep to it;
never desert your line of talent. Be what nature
intended for you and you will succeed."
- Sydney Smith

"If you don't follow your dream, who will."
- Emeril Lagasse

Inspirational Quotes...

Inspirational Quotes

"You will do foolish things,
but do them with enthusiasm."
- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

"There's so much good in the worst of us,
And so much bad in the best of us,
That it doesn't behoove any of us,
To talk about the rest of us!"
- author unknown

Joke - Some Like it Hot

Some Like It Hot
What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:

+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice
cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City
water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed
with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents
cease to exist.
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians
actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans
shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver
going.
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your
trip South.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom
window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay
Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

Joke - Duck in a Bar

Duck in a Bar

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, we only sell beer here." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No."

The duck asks, “Do you have any grapes?"

Humorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes

"In life, as in restaurants, we swallow a lot of indigestible
stuff just because it comes with the dinner."
- Mignon McLaughlin

"It's a dog eat dog world out there! Some days I feel
like the pit bull and other days I feel like the milk bone!"
- Chris Balatgek

"When you fall down, you wonder what else
you can do while you're down there."
- author unknown

“Don't try to teach your cat to sing...
it's frustrating for you, and it annoys the cat."
- Mark Twain

"Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate."
- author unknown

Quotes and verses on faith

Quotes and verses on faith

"Do not be afraid or discouraged,
for the LORD will personally go ahead of you.
He will be with you; He will neither fail
you nor abandon you."
- Deuteronomy 31:8, NLT

"Give all your worries and cares to God,
for He cares about you."
- 1 Peter 5:7, NLT

"As your faith is strengthened you will find
that there is no longer the need to have a sense
of control, that things will flow as they will, and that
you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."
- Emmanuel

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."
- author unknown

"Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile
on boughs too slight, feels them give way beneath her,
and yet sings, knowing that she hath wings."
- Victor Hugo

Joke - Taking Care of Mama

Taking Care Of Mama

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

Martin Buber quotes...

Martin Buber Quotes

"All journeys have secret destinations
of which the traveler is unaware."
- Martin Buber

"Play is the exultation of the possible."
- Martin Buber

"An animal's eyes have the power
to speak a great language."
- Martin Buber

"To be old can be glorious if one
has not unlearned how to begin."
- Martin Buber

"Solitude is the place of purification."
- Martin Buber

Joke - Well Isn't That Nice

Well Isn't That Nice

Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.

The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman smiled, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"

The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a darn' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice'."

Joke - Health Care in Heaven...

Health Care In Heaven

Three men died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first man who he was.

"My name is Dr. Jones. I pioneered and developed the techniques for open heart surgery. Because of my work on earth, thousands of people all around the world have lived longer, healthier lives. Surely there's a place for me in heaven."

"Yes," Peter said, "come on in."

The second man approached and said, "St. Peter, my name is Dr. Smith. I pioneered and developed techniques for premature babies. Today there are thousands of children in the world whose lives were saved at birth because of my work. Surely there's a place for me in heaven."

"Yes, come on in," said Peter.

St. Peter asked the third man who he was.

"My name is Mr. Johnson. I originated and developed the idea for HMO's. Because of my ideas on managed care and the efficiencies I developed, billions of dollars have been saved in the health care industry. Surely there's a place for me in heaven."

"Yes," said Peter, "come on in. But you can only stay 3 days."

Joke - Home Security in the South

How to Install a Home Security System in the South

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's, used, size 14-16
work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke , Slim, & I went for more ammunition. Back
in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em
in the house. Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

Joke - Checking The Gas

Checking The Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Quotes on Humor...

Quotes on Humor

"At first, I only laughed at myself.
Then I noticed that life itself is amusing.
I've been in a generally good mood ever since."
- Marilyn vos Savant

"The thing with pretending you're in a
good mood is that sometimes you can actually
trick yourself into feeling better."
- Charles de Lint, Memory & Dream

"Joy is not in things, it is in us."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Life can be wildly tragic at times, and
I've had my share. But whatever happens to you,
you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the
final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh."
- Katherine Hepburn

"I've never had so much fun as I'm
going to have tomorrow!"
- Dennis the Menace