Audrey Hepburn Quotes...

Audrey Hepburn Quotes


"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really
start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book,
and remembering - because you can't take it in all at once."


"Paris is always a good idea."


"If I get married, I want to be very married."


"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm.
As you get older, remember you have another hand. The first is to help
yourself, the second is to help others."


"It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and
you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up.
Others matter more than you do, so 'don't fuss, dear; get on with it.'"


"If I'm honest I have to tell you I still read
fairy-tales and I like them best of all."


"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at
leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is
the best calorie burner. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls...
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."


"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips,
speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge
that you are never alone."


"People even more than things, have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."


"I never thought I'd land in pictures with a face like mine."

Joke - Visiting the Zoo...

Visiting the Zoo

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went
to the zoo for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough,
they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a
commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for
questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names
and explain what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I
was just throwing peanuts into the cage"

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was
throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and
said:

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts... "

Joke - My Father Wouldn't Like It...

My Father Wouldn't Like It

A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You
look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and
I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man, "my father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister replied. "Everyone is entitled to a break.
Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a
real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him
a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay."

Joke - Kid's Live Truths...

Kids' Life Truths

1. When your mom is mad at your dad,
don't let her brush your hair.

2. If your sister or brother hits you, don't hit back.
Your parents always catch the one who hits back last.

3. Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold an egg.

4. Never trust a dog to watch your food.

5. Don't let your two-year-old brother cut your hair.

6. Doggies always have bad breath even
after eating a breath mint.

7. School lunches are not always nutritional.

8. School lunches often stick to the wall.

9. You can't hide your vegetables in a glass of milk.

10. You can't hide your vegetables under the table for the cat
or dog to eat - without getting punishment in your room.

11. You must always wear nice underwear in the car in case
you get in a car accident and everyone has to see it.
Grandma says so. Even Aunt and Mom sometimes agree.
What you wear outside the car is virtually unimportant,
just as long as nobody sees it.

Funny Steve Martin Quotes...

Funny Steve Martin Quotes


"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


"I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and
I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons.
And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden."


"Some people have a way with words...
some people... not have way."


"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."


"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.
I hate necks."


"She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas!"


"A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more
than two hours working on his hair."


"First the doctor told me the good news:
I was going to have a disease named after me."


"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars."


"We've had some fun tonight considering
we're all gonna die someday."

Joke - Well, Isn't That Nice...

Well, Isn't That Nice


Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on
the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.

The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband
built this beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked
in the drive."

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born,
my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school?!" the first woman smiled, "Land sakes, child, what
on earth for?!"

The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying,
'Who gives a darn', I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice.'"

Joke - Ten Dollar Flight...

Ten Dollar Flight

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight-wads who live in the Midwest, had
been married for years. Bob always wanted to go flying. The
desire deepened each time a barn-stormer flew into town to
offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten
dollars is ten dollars."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer,
so he got Sue out to the show, explaining it's free to watch,
let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling became
really strong. Sue and Bob started to argue.

The pilot, between flights, overheard their problem and said,
"I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say
a word, the ride is on me. But if one peep comes out of either
of you, you pay ten dollars."

So off they flew. The pilot was doing as many rolls and dives as
he could and heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go.
He pulled out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word
was said. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised. Why didn't you say anything?" asked the pilot.

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out,
but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Joke - Method Actor...

Method Actor


A man went into the pet shop. "I am playing Long John Silver in the
local, amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and
need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real
parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your
shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed
parrot. It's just as realistic and easily controlled."

"Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be okay?" asked the customer.
"I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner.
"I have one at home that I'll bring in. Come back Thursday and you
can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer. "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the
day I'm having my leg cut off."

I'm still having problems with my edit buttons.
I think I know what is going on. Give me a couple
of days to have someone fix this for me.  In the
meantime, here is a cartoon from I Can Has
Cheezburger, a site I visit daily and love!
Hugs, Val =)



see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Joke - The Loan...

I'm having problems posting, everyone, sorry.  And until I figure out
what is wrong, my posts won't be as pretty... sorry =( 
Hope you enjoy today's joke!!  Val =)



The Loan


There was an old Native American who wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going
to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the
loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled
out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the
banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The elderly man leaned across the desk,
"What you got for collateral?"

Joke - How to Detect a Mental Deficiency...

How to Detect a Mental Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his

hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was

most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, doctor," she asked,

"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears

completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which

anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts

you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around

the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,

"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

I must confess I don't know much about history."

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes...

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're

really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you

put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.

Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought,

'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest

and I thought, 'That is not cool.' Then I figured it out:

'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to

me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.'

And I said, 'I am.'"

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that

started with the word 'dude'. 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude,

we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so

stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin,

and Turtle, and all my homies.'"

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody

can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of.

It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.

But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...

after 'I love you... or "'You're going to live'...

or 'It's a boy!'"

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone

a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just

mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'Huh? What the heck is this?',

but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!'"

"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's

are on this thing? Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... '"

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid

confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was

stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?'

'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries,

that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."

Happiness and Contentment Quotes and a Verse...

Happiness and Contentment Quotes

This is the day the Lord has made;

let us rejoice and be glad in it.

- Psalm 118:24

"But what is happiness except the simple harmony

between a man and the life he leads?"

- Albert Camus

"Be absolutely determined to enjoy what you do."

- Gerry Sikorski

"A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life,

for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet

that true joy can live."

- Bertrand Russell

"Men can only be happy when they do not assume

that the object of life is happiness."

- George Orwell

"Make a game of finding something positive in every

situation. Ninety-five percent of your emotions are

determined by how you interpret events to yourself."

- Brian Tracy

"Laughter is inner jogging."

- Norman Cousins

"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell

the roses, for you only get to play one round."

- Ben Hogan

"Enjoy the journey, enjoy ever moment,

and quit worrying about winning and losing."

- Matt Biondi

"Every minute should be enjoyed and savored."

- Earl Nightingale

"Those who wish to sing, always find a song."

- A Swedish Proverb

"Smile; it increases your face value."

- Dolly Parton