Funny Erma Bombeck Quotes
"Before you try to keep up with the Joneses,
be sure they're not trying to keep up with you."
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply,
smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
No one cares. Why should you?"
"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do,
because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked.
This is sick."
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in
the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, 'What light?' and two more to
say, 'I didn't turn it on.'"
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it
out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage.
Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip."
"Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before
you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for
a flu shot, dump him."
"I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill."
"Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League uniforms be white?
Certainly not a mother."
"Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop,
but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?"
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."