Funny Henny Youngman Quotes
"I come from a stupid family.
During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west."
"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -
they have no holidays."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places."
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!"
"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant - a little wine,
good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did."
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert,
then joined the army. The first time he saluted,
he killed himself."
"The doctor says to the patient, 'Take your clothes off and stick
your tongue out the window.' 'What will that do?' asks the patient.
The doctor says, 'I'm mad at my neighbor!'"
"She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
"A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!"
"How to drive a guy crazy:
Send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'"
"A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy.'
The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!'"
"A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Nobody listens to me!'
The doctor says, 'Next!'"