Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"This 'Know Yourself' is a silly proverb in some ways:
To know the man next door is a much more useful rule."
- Meander of Athens
=)

"Life is like a ten-speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears that we never use."
- Charles Schulz
=)

"Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
=)

"Always behave like a duck -
keep calm and unruffled on the surface but
paddle like the devil underneath."
– Jacob Braude
=)

"If you think you are too small to be effective,
you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."
- Betty Reese
=)

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than a frontal lobotomy."
- Tom Waits
=)

"When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman
=)

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen
the cork to my lunch?"
- W. C. Fields
=)

"Insanity doesn't run in my family.
It gallops."
- Cary Grant
=)

"Psychoanalysis is for hysterical pathological cases,
not for silly rich American women who should be
learning how to darn socks."
- Sigmund Freud
=)

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."
- Carrie Snow

Quotes and a Verse on Self-Awareness and Uniqueness...

Quotes and a Verse on Self-Awareness and Uniqueness

"Look at the birds of the air;
they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they?"
- Matthew 6:26

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"Understand that the right to choose your own path is a
sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possibility."
- Oprah Winfrey
__

"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind
of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you,
and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living.
When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your
field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your
bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where
you didn't know they were going to be."
- Joseph Campbell
__

"Only by much searching and mining are gold
and diamonds obtained, and man can find every truth
connected with his being if he will dig deep into the
mine of his soul."
- James Allen
__

"Be a first rate version of yourself,
not a second rate version of someone else."
- Judy Garland
__

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
__

"If I have lost confidence in myself,
I have the universe against me."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
__

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world
is also a confession of character."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
__

"Be careful what you pretend to be because you are
what you pretend to be."
- Kurt Vonnegut
__

"Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
__

"Today you are YOU, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is Youer than You."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Autumn Quotes...

Autumn Quotes

"For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together.
For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad."
- Edwin Way Teale
~~~

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile."
- William Cullen Bryant
~~~
"October is nature's funeral month.
Nature glories in death more than in life. The month of
departure is more beautiful than the month of coming -
October than May. Every green thing loves
to die in bright colors."
- Henry Ward Beecher
~~~
"Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!"
- Humbert Wolfe
~~~
"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns."
- George Eliot
~~~
"Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
fluttering from the autumn tree."
- Emily Bronte
~~~
"Even if something is left undone,
everyone must take time to sit still and
watch the leaves turn."
- Elizabeth Lawrence
~~~
"l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
li
ness"
- e.e. cummings
~~~
"All those golden autumn days the sky was full of wings.
Wings beating low over the blue water of Silver Lake,
wings beating high in the blue air far above it . . .
bearing them all away to the green fields in the South."
- Laura Ingalls Wilder
~~~
"Now's the time when children's noses
All become as red as roses,
And the colour of their faces
Makes me think of orchard places
Where the juicy apples grow,
And tomatoes in a row."
- Katherine Mansfield, 'Autumn Song'
~~~
"No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds - November!"
- Thomas Hood, 'No!'
~~~
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
- David Letterman

Joke - Farmer Joe and Bessie...

Farmer Joe and Bessie

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine. '?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the... "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted," Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine .'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road... "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he
was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie's groans so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his
gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling?'"

Joke - New Lease on Life...

New Lease on Life

During surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her
bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.

God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in
the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and
collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street,
and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in Heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.

"That’s true," says God.

"So what happened?"

God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."