Joke - Presidents in Oz

Presidents In Oz

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well... , I... , I... think I need a brain."

"DONE," says the Wizard.

"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

Quotes on humor and happiness...

Quotes on Humor and Happiness...

Mirth is God's medicine. Everybody
ought to bathe in it."
- Henry Ward Beecher


"If I ever stop laughing, I'm dead."
- Tom Knapp

"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter,
the sound of which has always seemed to me
the most civilised music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov

"The best things in life are silly."
- Scott Adams, Dilbert

"Happiness isn't good enough for me!
I demand euphoria!"
- Calvin (Bill Watterson)

Inspirational Quotes...

Inspirational Quotes

"It is better to be a lion for a day
than a sheep all your life."
- Sister Elizabeth Kenny

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved
piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly
used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"
- Bill McKenna (race car driver)

"The greatest part of our happiness depends
on our dispositions, not our circumstances."
- Martha Washington

Joke, $50 is $50

$50 is $50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

Memorial Day

Memorial Day Edition

"True heroism is remarkably sober,
very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass
all others at whatever cost, but the urge to
serve others at whatever cost."
- Arthur Ashe

"Courage is contagious. When a brave
man takes a stand, the spines of others
are often stiffened."
- Billly Graham

"These heroes are dead. They died for liberty -
they died for us. They are at rest. They sleep
in the land they made free, under the flag they
rendered stainless, under the solemn pines,
the sad hemlocks, the tearful willows, the embracing
vines. They sleep beneath the shadow of the
clouds, careless alike of sunshine or storm,
each in the windowless palace of rest. Earth
may run red with other wars - they are at peace.
In the midst of the battles, in the roar of
conflicts, they found the serenity of death."
- author unknown

"If my people, which are called by my name,
shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my
face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will
I hear from heaven, and will forgive their
sin, and will heal their land."
- 2 Chronicles 7:14

Joke - Moses and Bush...

Moses and Bush

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

The President yelled, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President. The President pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!..."

Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses, but the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Imagery Techniques

"Imagery Techniques"

Peaceful Place

One of the simplest and most powerful ways to learn to relax is through the "peaceful place" imagery:

Imagine yourself in some setting in nature - perhaps high in the mountains, or on a beach, near a lake, or in a desert. Find yourself walking along a path in this setting. Notice what the sky looks like, how the air smells, what the ground feels like beneath your feet as you walk. With each step along your path allow yourself to grow more and more relaxed.

As you look ahead, you see a little cottage. It's there just for you. Walk up to this cottage. What does it look like and what is it made of? Go inside and walk around your cabin. Decorate your perfect cabin to your own taste... with your own art work. Everything about this place is peaceful. If you like lots of sunlight, imagine that your cabin has lots of windows with an incredible view.

Sit down in a comfortable chair in your cottage and soak in the relaxation. This is your place... a million miles from nowhere - if that's where you want it to be.

Of course, if the word "cottage" or "cabin" does not suit you, call your dwelling whatever you like.

(Use your five senses when you are at your special place.)

The Wave

Do you get so rushed and so stressed out at work that you don't feel you have the luxury of relaxing? You don't have the luxury of a break to let go of stress? The "Wave Imagery" innovated by Phyllis Crystal was designed for you. It is not a long, drawn out process. Once you learn how to "ride" the wave, you can teach yourself to relax in just a minute.

Imagine you are at the beach, lying on the warm sand. The waves are rolling in and each one comes closer and closer to you... until the waves are starting to wash over your body before they roll back out. As each wave falls away from you and returns to the sea, tension, anxiety and stress are removed in the process. With each wave you feel a little more relaxed. Just feel the wave gently pulling tension out of you.

Of course, you adjust the power of the wave. And if you don't like inhaling seawater, just allow the waves to come up to your neckand no higher

The Feather

Imagine you are a feather floating in the air high above the earth. You become more and more relaxed as you slowly float downward through the air. You finally glide to the ground... gently and softly touching down. Lying on the ground, you are totally and completely relaxed.

The Clock

Imagine a clock with only one hand. When the hand is at 12:00 high, it represents the most intense stress you have ever experienced. It's electrocution time with every hair of your body standing on end. When the hand is at 6:00, it represents no stress whatsoever. You're just floating in a tank of jello, or you're a wet, limp noodle lying on the floor.

Now get in touch with the level of stress you are under right this second, and set the pointer appropriately. Now inhale a deep breath, and as you exhale, imagine the pointer moving down toward 6:00. As you continue to exhale, drop your shoulders, and let go.

If necessary, reset the pointer, repeat the breath, and let the pointer sink down even further toward 6:00.

-author unknown

Inspirational Quotes and Verses...

Inspirational Quotes and Verses

"I love you, LORD; you are my strength."
- Psalm 18:1, NLT

"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will
give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking."
- James 1:5, NLT

"Help me, dear God, to do the best I can, with
what I have, where I am, all the time. Amen."
- Rev. Dale Turner

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would
hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and
could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"
- Erma Bombeck

Quotes on Happiness...

Quotes on Happiness

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued,
is always just beyond your grasp, but which,
if you sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
– Nathaniel Hawthorne

"In the midst of movement and chaos,
keep stillness inside of you."
- Deepak Chopra

"You must try to generate happiness within yourself.
If you aren't happy in one place, chances are
you won't be happy in any place."
- Ernie Banks

"Calmness is the cradle of power."
- Josiah Gilbert Holland

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover
how unlonely being alone can be."
- Ellen Burstyn

Joke - Changing a Lightbulb

How many does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.

Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred: one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it will take him 7 visits to do it.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Forget it, we'll just drink in the dark!

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but how did they got in there?

Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You wouldn't know, man; you weren't there!

Q: How many union factory workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-seven, you got a problem with that?

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many cowboys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to change it and another to sing about how they'll miss the old one.

Redneck Logic

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so they thought they would go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take this logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln

Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln:

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life
that count. It's the life in your years."

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt."

"You cannot help men permanently by doing for them
what they could and should do for themselves."

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle
ought not to deter us from the support
of a cause we believe to be just."

"I have been driven many times to my knees by
the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere
to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me,
seemed insufficient for the day"

"No matter how much the cats fight, there
always seem to be plenty of kittens."

"People are just about as happy as they
make up their minds to be."

Mother's Day...

Happy Mother's Day!

"All that I am or ever hope to be,
I owe to my angel Mother."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always
followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
- Abraham Lincoln

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and
crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
- Agatha Christie

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
- Proverbs 31:10-12 and 25-31

Quotes on Laughter...

Quotes on Laughter

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back
from an event, deal with it and then move on."
- Bob Newhart

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane."
- Jimmy Buffet

"Even if there is nothing to laugh
about, laugh on credit."
- author unknown

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find
no common denominator, but among those whom
I love, I can: all of them make me laugh."
- W. H. Auden

"We cannot really love anybody
with whom we never laugh."
- Agnes Repplier

Joke - Thirteen

Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a sanatorium with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some people sitting in rocking chairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Cat Quotes...

Cat Quotes

"I had been told that the training procedure
with cats was difficult. It's not.
Mine had me trained in two days."
- Bill Dana

"No amount of time can erase the memory of a
good cat, and no amount of masking tape can
ever totally remove his fur from your couch."
- Leo Dworken

"Most cats, when they are Out want to be In,
and vice versa, and often simultaneously."
- Louis J. Camuti

"A cat is the only domestic animal
I know who toilet trains itself and
does quite an impressive job of it."
- Joseph Epstein

"It always gives me a shiver when I
see a cat seeing what I can't see."
- Eleanor Farjeon

"I named my kitten Rose - fur soft as
a petal, claws sharper than thorns."
- Astrid Alauda

"To err is human, to purr is feline."
- Robert Byrne

"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance,
courage of conviction - and a cat. The last
ingredient is usually hardest to come by."
- Stephen Baker

He takes care of you...

God Takes Care of You

"When you pass through the waters, they will not sweep
over you. When you walk through fire, you will not
be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
- Isaiah 43:2

"He will command His angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways."
- Psalm 91:11

"And of what should we be afraid? Our captain on this battlefield
is Christ Jesus. We have discovered what we have to do. Christ has
bound our enemies for us and weakened them that they cannot overcome
us unless we so choose to let them. So we must fight courageously
and mark ourselves with the sign of the most Holy Cross."
- St. Catherine of Sienna