Mark Twain Quotes...

Mark Twain Quotes

"Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that are forever blowing
through one's mind."
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"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting
started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small,
manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."
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"To succeed in life you need two things:
ignorance and confidence."
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"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel
that you, too, can become great."
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"It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog."
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"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which
he habitually uses in conversation."
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"Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often."
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"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools,
but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did.
So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.
Dream. Discover."
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"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
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"Get your facts right.
Then you can distort them as you please."
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"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
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"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."
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"Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."
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"Whenever you find yourself on the side of a majority
it is time to pause and reflect."
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"All generalizations are false, including this one."

A Funny - 29 Lines to Make You Smile...

Twenty-Nine Lines to Make You Smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-
the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;
Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Joke - Navajo Wisdom

Navajo Wisdom

A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo
woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she decides to stop
the car and give the Navajo woman a lift.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on
the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband"

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

Joke - It's The Way You Say It...

It's The Way You Say It

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston. He went to
a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation
with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl,
but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO
TO SCHOOL?"

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor."
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
=)
"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
- Author Unknown
=)
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
=)
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country."
- Elayne Boosler
=)
"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down
trees with your face."
- Dave Barry
=)
"Eskimo: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?'
Priest: 'No, not if you did not know.'
Eskimo: 'Then why did you tell me??'"
- Annie Dillard
=)
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless."
- Nicholas Chamfort
=)
"Murphy was an optimist."
- O'Toole's Commentary
=)
"If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you."
- Billy Wilder
=)
"A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world;
it tones a body up and keeps him human
and prevents him from souring."
- Mark Twain
=)
"It's all fun and games, until someone loses an eye...
then it's fun and games you can't see anymore."
- James Hetfield
=)
"If you never did you should.
These things are fun and fun is good."
- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)