joke - Swearing Parrot

Swearing parrot

There is this fella with a parrot that swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!!"

This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Tags: joke, jokes, funny

Rodney Dangerfield funnies...

Rodney Dangerfield

some of Rodney Dangerfield's best lines...

"A girl phoned me the other day and said...
'Come on over, there's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet."

"My mother had morning sickness -
after I was born."

"My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday."

"I worked in a pet shop and people
kept asking how big I'd get."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped
and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman
and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him... 'Do you think we'll ever find them?'
He said, 'I don't know kid... there are so many
places they can hide.'"

"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed
a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me
to have a few drinks and get some rest."

Do you have a favorite line? Which one?

joke - The Blonde and The Lottery

The Blonde and The Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of The Almighty, Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

Tags: joke, jokes, funny

Quotes and Verses on Adversity...

Bible Verses and Quotes on Adversity

"We can rejoice, too, when we
run into problems and trials, for we know
that they help us develop endurance."
- Romans 5:3

“'... My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ
may rest upon me."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

“The harder the conflict, the more
glorious the triumph.”
- Thomas Paine

“Adversity is the diamond dust that
heaven polishes it's jewels with.”
- Robert Leighton

“Adversity is sometimes hard upon a man;
but for one man who can stand prosperity there
are a hundred that will stand adversity.”
- John Keats

“Friendship, of itself a holy tie,
Is made more sacred by adversity.”
- Charles Caleb Colton

“Kites rise highest against
the wind not with it.”
- Winston Churchill

Do you have a favorite quote or verse?

Quotes on Autumn...

Quotes on Autumn

"For man, autumn is a time of harvest,
of gathering together. For nature, it is a time
of sowing, of scattering abroad."
- Edwin Way Teale

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns."
- George Eliot

"I cannot endure to waste anything as precious as
autumn sunshine by staying in the house. So I spend
almost all the daylight hours in the open air."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor,
summer an oil painting,
and autumn a mosaic of them all."
- Stanley Horowitz

"Then summer fades and passes and October comes.
We'll smell smoke then, and feel an unexpected
sharpness, a thrill of nervousness, swift elation,
a sense of sadness and departure."
- Thomas Wolfe

"Autumn is a second spring when
every leaf is a flower."
- Albert Camus

Do you have a favorite Autumn quote? Which one?