Open!

If you would like to catch up on old jokes and fun, I have opened up this blog again!!

I don't know how often I will publish, but have fun going back and reading!!  Val =)

A Funny - Training a Cat...

Training a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use our new sofa as

a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly.

For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside,
he scratched the sofa!!

Joke - The Four Engineers...

 

The Four Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical
engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street
in the same car. The car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end,
I don't think it's getting gas."

The electrical engineer proclaimed, "I think there was a spark
and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and asked, "What do
you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and
get back in."

Reverendfun Cartoons!...

Hi and happy day, everyone! I have, as promised, some Reverendfun Cartoons
for you today! I really love these cartoons! They give me a lot of smiles and
chuckles! I hope everyone is having a great day! Oh, if you want to receive
Reverendfun in your email box, visit them and sign up! Sending out laughter
and joy... Val =)


Reverendfun Cartoons

 

Reverendfun...

Reverendfun Cartoons coming up in a couple/few days!!  In the meantime,

click on the banner below and pay them a visit!!  Sending out smiles... Val =)

Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day...

How Many Ducks?

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was

carrying a bag on his back.

"What's in the bag?" asked Paddy.

"I'm not going to tell," replied Murphy.

"Go on, do." pleaded Paddy.

"Ah, all right then, it's ducks." announced Murphy.

"If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will

 you give me one of them?" enquired Paddy.

"Look," said Murphy, "if you guess the correct number,

 I'll give you both of them."

"Five!" said Paddy triumphantly.

*****

Not Guilty

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank

 robbery.

After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and

 announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted O'Gara. "Does that mean I get to

 keep the money?"

Joke - Fairy Tale...

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince
that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so!"

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



A Vagabond's Song...

A Vagabond's Song

I was baptized by New York City sleet and tempered in

New England snow.

I walked among the ancient rocks and pondered nature's

  hieroglyphs.

I watched the silver snake ford the brook.

  I fought. My spear was inscribed with sacred runes.

  I gather knowledge from books and birds and children at play.

  I respect the mystic myths.

  I know when there's love and when there isn't.

  I can hear the echoes of my struggling ancestors.

  Those who saw me sit and stare and said I was a worthless

dreamer are gone.

I survived the silent sirens.

  Now I sit and stare and while I sit I think, I imagine, I write,

I design, I survive because I can.

There is inexpressible music in my head, poetry in my heart

and a sense of humor in my pocket.

I am a child of the universe.

  I am not worthless.

- written and posted by permission

 from DB at Vagabond Journeys


Please visit DB!  You won't be disappointed!!

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Tear my heart out, slow roast me over a fire, pull off my
eyebrows strand by strand, push pins though my fingernails...
do anything to me, anything but a Monday."

- Prabhudoss Samuel

C=

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

- Paula Poundstone

C=

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go, 'Aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But
you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in."

- Tommy Cooper

C=

"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through
the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail."

- David Brent

C=

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

- George Carlin

C=

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...
If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said,
'Alright... you're ugly too!'"

- Rodney Dangerfield

C=

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have
my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

- Groucho Marx

C=

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose."

- Woody Allen

C=

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
for a reason."

- Jerry Seinfeld

 

Merry Christmas!...

“For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given;
and the government shall be upon His shoulder,
and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.”
- Isaiah 9:6

"Christmas is the harvest time of love. Souls are drawn
to other souls. All that we have read and thought and
hoped comes to fruition at this happy time. Our spirits
are astir. We feel within us a strong desire to serve.
A strange, subtle force, a new kindness, animates man
and child. A new spirit is growing in us. No longer are
we content to relieve pain, to sweeten sorrow, to give
the crust of charity. We dare to give friendship,
service, the equal loaf of bread and love."

- Helen Keller

Christmas Facts

The definition of a white Christmas in England is one
snowflake falling on the roof of the London Weather
Centre in the 24 hours of December 25.

It is considered unlucky to cut a mince pie with a knife.

December 25 was first celebrated as the birthday
of Christ in the year 440 AD.

Christmas wasn’t declared an official holiday in the
United States until June 26, 1870.

There is a Christmas, Arizona and a Christmas, Florida.
In both Arizona and Indiana, there is a town called
  Santa Claus. There is also a Noel, Missouri.

The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees

  out of dyed goose feathers.

Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards
are sent in the U.S. alone.

All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas
would equal 364 gifts.

It is estimated that the single “White Christmas” by
Irving Berlin is the best selling single of all time,
with over 100 million sales worldwide.

Christmas purchases account for 1/6 of all
retail sales in the U.S.

Click links below for Christmas fun!

Match Game for Kids

My Favorite Christmas Song

Amazing Christmas Light Show

Make a Virtual Snowflake


I hope you are having a blessed Christmas Day!!
Happy Jesus' Birthday!!  Sending out joy from my
home to yours... Val =)



Joke - Weeweechu...

Weeweechu

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love
you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me?!"

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year!"

Christmas Jokes...

Denominations


Maria went to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked Maria. 
"Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic, please."

Christmas Present


Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring
as her Christmas present.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, John, his
friend, com
mented, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, "But where on earth was
I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Blondes Tree Hunting


There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen
woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of sub-zero temperatures a few close calls
with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and
said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
care whether it's decorated or not!"

Santa Humor...

Santa Stats

*  The U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus
and one under Kriss Kringle.
*  December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
*  The average wage of a mall Santa is $11 an hour.
With his own beard it's $20 an hour.
*  The weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie
Baby for every kid on earth is 333,333 tons,
*  The number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333 ton
sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
*  To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have
to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,00 times the speed
of sound.)
*  At this speed, Santa and his reindeer would
instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's
atmosphere.


There are three stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus


Q: How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
A: No woman would wear the same
outfit year after year!

Perseverance Quotes and a Bible Verse...

Perseverance Quotes and a Bible Verse

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good.
At just the right time we will reap a harvest of
blessing if we don't give up."

- Galatians 6:9

"Courage is the whisper in the moment of
despair that says: 'I must go on... '"

- Daniel Waldschmidt

"All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and
frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."

- Dorothea Brande

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...
and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in
which you know exactly what you want... and are fully determined
not to quit until you get it."

- Alexander Graham Bell

"Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth."

- Julie Andrews

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,
til it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the
tide will turn."

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

"The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man perfected without trials."

- A Chinese Proverb

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is,
that one often comes from a strong will, and the other
from a strong won't."

- Henry Ward Beecher

"When nothing seems to help,
I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock,
perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.
Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two,
and I know it was not that last blow that did it,
but all that had gone before."

- Jacob A. Riis

"In the hardest of times,
often the most beautiful things follow."

- Devin Heramson

Joke - Santa is a Woman...

Santa Claus is a Woman

Santa Claus is a woman because:

 

1. The vast majorities of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a
last-minute shopping spree.
2. For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because
they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh.
3. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
4. For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays
in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
5. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
6. Men can't pack a bag.
7. Men would rather be dead than
caught wearing red velvet.
8. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
9. Men don't answer their mail.

10. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl-ful of jelly."
11. Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.

12. Finally, being responsible for

Christmas would require a
 commitment.

Joke - How To Cook a Christmas Turkey...

How To Cook a Christmas Turkey

Go buy a turkey.
Take a drink of whiskey.
Put turkey in the oven.
Take another two drinks of whiskey.
Set the degree at 350 ovens.
Take three more whiskeys of drink.
Turk the bastey.
Whiskey another bottle of get.
Ponder the meat thermometer.
Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Bake the whiskey for four hours.
Take the oven out of the turkey.
Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
Turk the carvey.
Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Tet the sable and pour another
glass of turkey.
Bless the dinner and pass out.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

 

"Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?"

- Author Unknown

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can
get shot while getting shot... "

- Chris Rock

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J. D. Salinger

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

- Peter Vries

"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so
he can tell when he's really in trouble."

- Justine Vogt

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown tie."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

- Jay Leno

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

- Will Rogers

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up Button."

- Sam Levenson