A Funny - Training a Cat...

Training a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use our new sofa as

a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly.

For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside,
he scratched the sofa!!

Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Joke - Fairy Tale...

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince
that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so!"

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



Joke - How To Cook a Christmas Turkey...

How To Cook a Christmas Turkey

Go buy a turkey.
Take a drink of whiskey.
Put turkey in the oven.
Take another two drinks of whiskey.
Set the degree at 350 ovens.
Take three more whiskeys of drink.
Turk the bastey.
Whiskey another bottle of get.
Ponder the meat thermometer.
Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Bake the whiskey for four hours.
Take the oven out of the turkey.
Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
Turk the carvey.
Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Tet the sable and pour another
glass of turkey.
Bless the dinner and pass out.

Joke - Bass Boat...

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

 

Joke - Who Is It?...

Who Is It?

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived,
the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.

"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"

The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up.
"I don't know. Who was it?"

The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"

The Englishman thought the riddle was hilarious. He decided he
would ask his friends the same riddle when he flew home the
next day.

He met them at the airport and asked, "My mom and dad had a
baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up.

So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York!"

Joke - 21st Birthdays...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Elderly Humor...

Elderly Humor

Advice to an Elderly Fellow

An elderly fellow (not in the best shape) was working out
at the gym when he spotted a sweet, young thing.

He asked his nearby trainer, "What machine in here should
I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

His trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby."

***

Games For Our Golden Years

Sag, You're It!
Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick The Bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over

Simon Says Something Incoherent

Hide And Go Pee

Spin The Bottle of Mylanta

Musical Recliners

***

Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and
1983....

Joke - Corporate Structure...

Corporate Structure

 

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding
bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful
than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start
and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not
quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor
swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with
a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally
addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap
buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun
without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes a locomotive two out of
three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life
preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says,
"Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud
puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives
off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Joke - Waiting in Line...

Waiting in Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart,
Target, and my local grocer for having 25 check-out lanes
and only three open at any given time.
Here are some creative ways to spend your time:


* Catch up on magazine reading.

* Retrieve the 13 things you forgot on your list.

* Be an annoying cell phone user and catch up on all the
phone calls to your insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Anne.

* Catch a quick cat nap.

* Assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.

* Finally apply a top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.

* Run next door and pick up your dry cleaning.

* Practice your stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.

* Practice some standing yoga poses.

* Taste a cookie in the package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

* Breathe heavily on your T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner so you won't have to leave them out on
the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun like you
normally do.

Thinking Outside The Box...

Thinking Outside The Box

Centuries ago, in a small Italian town, a merchant had the mis-
fortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's
beautiful daughter, so he proposed a bargain. He promised to
cancel the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's
daughter.

Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. The cunning moneylender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have
to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black
pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife, and her
father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white
pebble, she need not marry him, and her father's debt would
still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her
father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed
that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the
bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What
would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise
her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would
produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in
the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in
order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used
with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference
between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot
be solved with traditional, logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-
strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other
pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she
had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not
admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
Moral of the Story: Most complex problems do have a
solution. Sometimes we have to think about them in a
different way.

WOW

Joke - You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* You lick your coffee pot clean.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator

to take your pulse.

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Your only sources of nutrition comes

from 'Sweet & Low'.

* You don't sweat - you percolate.

* You've worn out the handle on your

favorite coffee mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

* Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You want to be cremated so you can spend

eternity in a coffee can.

* You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the

sipping position.

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

with an I. V. hookup.

Over 40 Humor...

The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40

* Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than

The National Weather Service.

* People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

* You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

* You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

* You have a party and the neighbors

don't even realize it.

 

* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

* You quit trying to hold your stomach in,

no matter who walks into the room.

* You sing along with elevator music.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Your investment in health insurance is finally

beginning to pay off.

* * * *

Necessary Information for the

40-and-Older Crowd

* If you're too open-minded,

your brains will fall out.

* Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion

that life is serious.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite

government program.

* If you look like your passport picture,

you probably need the trip.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice

the speed of checks.

* Men are from earth. Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

* Opportunities always look bigger

going than coming.

* Junk is something you've kept for years and

throw away three weeks before you need it.

* There is always one more imbecile

than you counted on.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice

contrast to the real world.

* It ain't the jeans that make your bottom look big.

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

Joke - Fishing...

Fishing

A man was stopped by a game warden, with two buckets

of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game

warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch

those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are

my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" said the warden.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake

and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they

jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment,

and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"Alright. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish into the water and stood and

waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned

to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game

warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Joke - A Million...

A Million

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

The guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God answered.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God,

what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure, in a second!"

Joke - Freezer Meals...

Freezer Meals

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot

Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or

"Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what

he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those

things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.

You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever",

"Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or

"Food". My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my

husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know

that it is there waiting.