Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Joke - A Blonde Goes Ice-Fishing...

a re-run of a favorite:

A Blonde Goes Ice-Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on

the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"

together, she left for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning

her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the

ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO

FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a

Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO

FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the

opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to

cut her hole.

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER

THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE

ICE RINK!"

Short, Blonde Jokes...

Short, Blonde Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an AM radio?

It took her 3 weeks to figure out you could play it at night.

**

Did you hear about the 2 blondes that were found frozen to death

at a drive-in theater in their car?

They went to see 'Closed for the Winter'.

**

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

**

Two blondes decided to go to Disneyland. They packed up

and headed out and were driving on the Interstate when

they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.

They started crying and turned around and went home.

**

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther

away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo,

can you see Florida?"

**

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were

approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the

pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth

until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde

employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument

for us? Would you pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,

"Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

Joke - Solitary Confinement...

Solitary Confinement

Three tourists were traveling in South America - an Irishman,
a Frenchman, and a blonde American. They found themselves
in a bar in a small Latin American country that was ruled by a
strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument
and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived
and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even
worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother
of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to
five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are
foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You may
choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do
you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five year's supply of fine Irish whiskey.
The Frenchman asked for a five year's supply of fine French wine.
The blonde American requests a five year's supply of cigarettes.
The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to
prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp
basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman
was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and
quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The
Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk
himself, and walked out into freedom. The blonde American was
released last.

He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a
#*%$# match?"

Joke - A Blonde Buys a TV

A Blonde Buys a TV

A blonde went to her local electrical store to buy a TV. She chose one and
brought it to the salesman.

"I would like to buy this small TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

So the blonde hurried home, put her hair up in a bun, put on a hat, and returned
to repeat to the salesman, " I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman replied for a second time.

"Darn!" the lady exploded, "He recognized me!"

She went for a complete disguise this time - a haircut, new hair color, different
clothes, and she waited a few days until she re-entered the electrical store to
try again.

"I would like to buy this TV," she exclaimed

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman replied.

Angry and frustrated, the lady shouted, "How do you know I'm a blonde?!!"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Joke - The Blonde in the Blizzard...

The Blonde in the Blizzard

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered
how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up
and thought about her situation.

The blonde finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a
blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she
would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure
enough in a little while a snow plow came by and she started to follow it.

She was feeling very proud of herself and a little smug as she and the plow
continued on in the blizzard conditions.

After quite some time had passed, the blonde was somewhat surprised when the
snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled
for her to roll down her window.

The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him
for quite a long time.

The blonde told him she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a
snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied, "Well that's just fine honey, and you can keep it up if you
want. I'm done here with the K-Mart parking lot and I gotta go cross the way
to Sam's Club next... "

Joke - A Blonde's Year in Review...

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!!... Bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months!
Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911, duh... there's no "eleven" button on
the stupid phone!!!

Joke - Sick of Blonde Jokes...

Sick of Blonde Jokes

One day, a blonde who was very tired of being teased and ridiculed for being blonde,
and was upset with all the blonde jokes, decided to make an appointment for the
the next day with her hairdresser to become a brunette.

She went to the appointment and loved her hair! She thanked the hairdresser, tipped
her, and left.

Driving down a country road, coming home from her appointment, the blonde came
across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice
flock of sheep," she said.

"Well thank you," replied the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"Okay?" questioned the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
asked the woman.

"Sure," answered the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382."

"Wow,"said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you
want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the
herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you."

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"

Joke - Emergency Exit...

Emergency Exit

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the
roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and, SWISH, the firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette
slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No, It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump!
You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No, really, it's OK! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna
pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it... "

Joke - Who Wants to be a Millionaire?...

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly she would win $1,000,000. If she
answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it... ?'

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her '50/50 Lifeline' and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'.

All that remained was her 'Phone-a-Friend Lifeline'.

She hoped she would not have to use it because... her friend was... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and
the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one
that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to
do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.'"

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including
the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."

Sally fainted.

Joke - Green Side Up...

Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in
to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she
wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige,
very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next
room. She explains, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but
very bright and airy."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out, and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is
even more perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like
blue - a restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once
more he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you
a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window, 'Green side
up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod
across the street."

Joke - Give the Blonde a Chance

Give the Blonde a Chance

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are
Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are
not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering,
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in
one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone
is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance - What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their
feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

Two funnies...

Ask The Blonde

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>


Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup
had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat resting, and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Joke - Bob and the Blonde

Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm
news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on
the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the
5 pm news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

The Blonde and the Horse...

The Blonde & The Horse

A blonde decides to try riding horseback, even though she has had no lessons
or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the
blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse and tries to throw
herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and
she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground
over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when....

Todd, the Wal-Mart manager, sees her and pulls the horse's plug from the wall.

Joke - She Was So Blonde That...

She Was So Blonde That...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because
she wanted to makeup her mind.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happened
around the home, she moved.



Did you hear about the blonde
that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out
she could use it at night.

What did the blonde say when she saw the
sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call nine blondes
standing in a circle?
A dope ring.

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the
bottle in the typewriter.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
"This Goes In Front".

What did the blonde say when she
looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh, look!! Donut seeds!"

Did you hear about the blonde
sniffing nutrasweet?
Yeah, she thought it was diet coke.

How can you tell when a blonde has been
making chocolate chip cookies?
The M&M shells all over the floor.

Why did the blonde get fired
from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the W's.

What do you call a brunette
between two blondes?
An interpreter.

Which is harder to make: a blonde, a
brunette, or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde. You have to hollow out its head.

Do blonde jokes offend anyone? Let me know!

My apologies if they do. I would never

want to hurt or offend. Val =)

Joke - The Blonde Detectives

The Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect,
he shows them a picture, then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch
him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because
the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you
two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing
because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to
the third blonde and in a very test voice asks, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds,
"Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and
says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make
such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Joke - Replacement Windows

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got
a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo?? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking
sales guy had told me last year - that in ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooo?? It's been a year, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won
that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Joke - A Blonde Goes Ice-Fishing

A Blonde Goes Ice-Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she left for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky - a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Joke - Blonde Wife, Barking Dog

Blonde Wife, Barking Dog

A husband and his blonde wife were in bed asleep. Around 2 AM they both awaken to the neighbors dog barking extremely loudly...

After lying there for the next 30 minutes unable to go to sleep, the wife tells her husband to go do something about the barking dog. He tells her he has tried to tell the dog to be quiet before and the dog always continues to bark!

There's nothing HE can do...

After another 15 minutes of barking, in frustration, the blonde wife retorts, "Well, if you won't do anything, I WILL!"

She jumps out of bed and disappears outside. A few minutes later she is back in bed.

The husband sat up in bed, and still hears the dog barking. He asks, "I thought you said you could fix the barking problem... I still hear him barking?!"

She replies, "I DID fix the problem! I tied the dog in OUR yard! LET'S SEE HOW THE NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT!"