A Funny - Training a Cat...

Training a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use our new sofa as

a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly.

For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside,
he scratched the sofa!!

Joke - The Four Engineers...

 

The Four Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical
engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street
in the same car. The car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end,
I don't think it's getting gas."

The electrical engineer proclaimed, "I think there was a spark
and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and asked, "What do
you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and
get back in."

Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day...

How Many Ducks?

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was

carrying a bag on his back.

"What's in the bag?" asked Paddy.

"I'm not going to tell," replied Murphy.

"Go on, do." pleaded Paddy.

"Ah, all right then, it's ducks." announced Murphy.

"If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will

 you give me one of them?" enquired Paddy.

"Look," said Murphy, "if you guess the correct number,

 I'll give you both of them."

"Five!" said Paddy triumphantly.

*****

Not Guilty

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank

 robbery.

After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and

 announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted O'Gara. "Does that mean I get to

 keep the money?"

Joke - Fairy Tale...

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince
that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so!"

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



Joke - Weeweechu...

Weeweechu

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love
you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me?!"

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year!"

Joke - Santa is a Woman...

Santa Claus is a Woman

Santa Claus is a woman because:

 

1. The vast majorities of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a
last-minute shopping spree.
2. For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because
they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh.
3. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
4. For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays
in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
5. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
6. Men can't pack a bag.
7. Men would rather be dead than
caught wearing red velvet.
8. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
9. Men don't answer their mail.

10. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl-ful of jelly."
11. Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.

12. Finally, being responsible for

Christmas would require a
 commitment.

Joke - Bass Boat...

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

 

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Bible Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

- Hebrews 13:8
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"Let us dare to be ourselves,
for we do that better than anyone else can."
- Shirley Briggs

"You will never change your life until you change something you
do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine."
- John C. Maxwell

"Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning
the instrument as one goes on."
- Samuel Butler

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today."

 - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"We would worry less about what people think about us if
we realized how seldom they do."
- Ethel Barrett

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
- Janis Joplin

"We all live under the same sky,
but we don't all have the same horizon."
- Konrad Adehauer

"'You must never feel badly about making mistakes,'
explained Reason quietly, 'as long as you take the trouble to learn
from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right
reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.'"
- Norton Juster, 'The Phantom Tollbooth'

"I don't care if my glass is half full or half empty -
I'm just happy to have a glass."
- Joe Farrell

Joke - Who Is It?...

Who Is It?

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived,
the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.

"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"

The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up.
"I don't know. Who was it?"

The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"

The Englishman thought the riddle was hilarious. He decided he
would ask his friends the same riddle when he flew home the
next day.

He met them at the airport and asked, "My mom and dad had a
baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up.

So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York!"

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever...

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd have thought at least one of

them would had seen it....

 

Joke - 21st Birthdays...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Joke - How is She Doing?...

How is She Doing?

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how
a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can. What's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said,

"Norma Findlay, room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check
with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and
said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma
is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work
just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma
your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
No one tells me anything."

Elderly Humor...

Elderly Humor

Advice to an Elderly Fellow

An elderly fellow (not in the best shape) was working out
at the gym when he spotted a sweet, young thing.

He asked his nearby trainer, "What machine in here should
I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

His trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby."

***

Games For Our Golden Years

Sag, You're It!
Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick The Bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over

Simon Says Something Incoherent

Hide And Go Pee

Spin The Bottle of Mylanta

Musical Recliners

***

Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and
1983....

Joke - Corporate Structure...

Corporate Structure

 

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding
bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful
than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start
and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not
quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor
swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with
a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally
addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap
buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun
without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes a locomotive two out of
three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life
preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says,
"Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud
puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives
off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Joke - Waiting in Line...

Waiting in Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart,
Target, and my local grocer for having 25 check-out lanes
and only three open at any given time.
Here are some creative ways to spend your time:


* Catch up on magazine reading.

* Retrieve the 13 things you forgot on your list.

* Be an annoying cell phone user and catch up on all the
phone calls to your insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Anne.

* Catch a quick cat nap.

* Assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.

* Finally apply a top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.

* Run next door and pick up your dry cleaning.

* Practice your stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.

* Practice some standing yoga poses.

* Taste a cookie in the package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

* Breathe heavily on your T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner so you won't have to leave them out on
the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun like you
normally do.

Thinking Outside The Box...

Thinking Outside The Box

Centuries ago, in a small Italian town, a merchant had the mis-
fortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's
beautiful daughter, so he proposed a bargain. He promised to
cancel the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's
daughter.

Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. The cunning moneylender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have
to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black
pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife, and her
father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white
pebble, she need not marry him, and her father's debt would
still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her
father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed
that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the
bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What
would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise
her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would
produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in
the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in
order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used
with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference
between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot
be solved with traditional, logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-
strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other
pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she
had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not
admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
Moral of the Story: Most complex problems do have a
solution. Sometimes we have to think about them in a
different way.

WOW

Joke - You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* You lick your coffee pot clean.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator

to take your pulse.

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Your only sources of nutrition comes

from 'Sweet & Low'.

* You don't sweat - you percolate.

* You've worn out the handle on your

favorite coffee mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

* Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You want to be cremated so you can spend

eternity in a coffee can.

* You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the

sipping position.

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

with an I. V. hookup.