A Funny - Training a Cat...

Training a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use our new sofa as

a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly.

For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside,
he scratched the sofa!!

Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



A Funny - The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets...

The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, You walked

with us every day. Now we do not see You any more. We are lonesome

here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much You love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with

you and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you

will love Me even when you cannot see Me. Regardless of how selfish

or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept

you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he

wagged his tail and Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the

animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this

new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection

of My love for you - his name will be a reflection of My own name,

and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and

loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,

"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and

preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.

Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with

them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind

them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always

worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into

Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme

beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased...

And Dog was happy...

And Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other...

Joke - The Lion and the Mime...

The Lion and the Mime

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to

earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper

grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular

attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that

attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to

dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime

accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the

gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job.

He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he

draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him, and he gets bored

just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are

paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the

top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the

top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but

the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a

raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion,

the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one

terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and

falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares

to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and

round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!",

but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the

angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to

get us both fired?"

Joke - Human Years...

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work

constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will

hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be

his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live

for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is

too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will

be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of

the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only

rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence

to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate

the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.

Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years

the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live

15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his

house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in

his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Joke - The Ostrich...

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks the man and the bird for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the

ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," answers the ostrich.

"That will be $9.40 please," the waitress says as she returns with

their order.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for

payment.

The next day the man and the ostrich return, and the man says,

"A hamburger, fries, and a coke, please."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a daily routine until one special night when they enter

the restaurant.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, a baked potato, and

a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be

$32.62."

Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,

sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in

your pocket every time?"

"Well," explains the man, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic

and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and

offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay

for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the correct

amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" exclaims the waitress. "Most people would ask for

a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you

want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall

chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Joke - Whose Duck?

Whose Duck?

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, a well-dressed, city man

takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field,

and the farmer claims it.

Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an

old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can, then you do the

same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird."

The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing

blow to the man, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later,

when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn."

"Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."

Joke - Race Horses...

Race Horses

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his
track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, "I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says,
"I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow," says one horse after a
prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

Joke - How is My Cat?...

How Is My Cat?

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's
care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.

"Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me like that!?!"

"How else should I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," explained the bachelor. "For
example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the
roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow
night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back,
but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the
third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my
cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply, "oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire
Department is getting her down."

Two short jokes...

Heaven's Orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
All are asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
I was one of the great doctors of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them
say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

******

Cross-Eyed Rotweiler

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

A Funny - God's Favorite Creature...

God's Favorite Creature

God's favorite creature must be the female bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep
for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too. If you're a bear, you birth your children
(who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... I wanna be a bear.

Joke - Talking Dog...

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English,"
he claims to the unimpressed agent.

The guys says to his dog, "What's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on... " the talent agent responds, "all dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog,
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" barks the dog.


The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A Funny - How to Prepare for a Puppy...

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot
in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had its toes shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying,
"Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, let's go!"

Cover all your best clothes with dog hair - for dark clothes you must use
white hair and for light clothes you must use dark.

Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. Also put some hair
in everything that you cook! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!

Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy
will drag it anyway... especially when company is coming.

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to
the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you
get home from work in the evening.

Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver...
it's going to get chewed on anyway.

Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard.
Then go out in the early AM and step in a few. Try not to break anything.

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it
around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls
asleep on your lap.

Joke - Fred the Chicken Farmer...

Fred the Chicken Farmer

A life-long city man, Fred, decided to leave the rat-race, move to the
country, and become a chicken farmer, so he found a nice chicken farm
and bought it. It turned out that his next door neighbor, a kind, generous
man named Bob, was also a chicken farmer.

Bob came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy.
Tell you what, to help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

Fred was thrilled. Two weeks later Bob stopped by to see how things
were going. Fred said sadly, "Not too good. All the chickens died."

Bob said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my
chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and Bob stops in again. Fred explained,
"You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died, too!"

Astounded, Bob asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, Fred said, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not
far apart enough."

Joke - Frog or Princess?...

Frog or Princess?

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Two funnies...

Ask The Blonde

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>


Stay!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and
rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup
had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat resting, and I wanted to
impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange
look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

Joke - Doggone Brilliant...

Doggone Brilliant

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund
along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long
the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him,
and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund
nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures
he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So,
off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey,
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,
"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back
to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and, just when they get close enough
to hear, the dachshund says...

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour
ago to bring me another leopard."

A Funny and a note...

This is an oldie but goodie. I hope it is new to you. If you own (or are
owned by) a dog or cat, you should get a good laugh out of this meme.
I won't be posting again until Sunday morning. I am going away and I
wanted to let you all know. Have a great rest of the week and weekend!
Blessings, Val =)

For Pet Owners

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking 20 tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Joke - The Perfect Pet

The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he
wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop
owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do
everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says,
"I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede
doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to
the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances
sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted;
the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The man
thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to
the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later,
no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede.
Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

By this point, the man is wondering what's going on.
So he goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the
centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner
store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.
What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going!
I'm just putting on my shoes!"