More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

Joke - Who is Dumb?...

Who is Dumb?

Two professors are arguing over whom had the dumber child. Each

professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor

yells, "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be

THE stupidest kid on earth!"

The second professor says, "No way, Jose.

My son is the bigger idiot!"

The first professor says, "Let me prove it to you."

The professor hollers for his son, "Hey Jake!" (Jake runs to his

father.)

The man says to his son, "I don't know if I left myself at the office

or not. Would you run there and find out? If I'm there then tell me

to come home and eat dinner."

The son says gleefully, "Sure dad!" and runs off.

The second professor, not to be outdone, says, "Oh yea! Watch
this! Hey Sam! Come here!" (Sam runs to his father.)

He says to his son, "Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a

car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says, "OK." and leaves while the professors keep arguing.

Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one

has the dumber father. Jake says, "Well listen, my father told me to

find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call

the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done.

That is stupid if I've ever heard it!"

Sam says, "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with
one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me
which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave!"

Joke - Nice One...

Nice One

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had

imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although

this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to

his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a

restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel

shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be

conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her

window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of

the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.

That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Funny Videos...

I have three videos for you today. I promise they will bring you smiles

and giggles. Give yourself a few minutes of time and sit back and

enjoy! You won't be disappointed! Have a super weekend, everyone!!

Sending out chuckles and joy... Val

Click on the links below to view:

Lala the Penguin

Howard the Drummer

The Janitor's Revenge

Joke - Church Cake!...

Church Cake!

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake, and when she took it from the oven,
the center had dropped flat.

She exclaimed, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake!"

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center
of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money
and specific instructions. She told her to be at the bake sale the
minute it opened,and buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already
been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of
bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert.

When Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it.

before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Joke - Hitch-Hiking

Hitch-Hiking

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. It was
getting late and no prospective rides came by. Suddenly he saw
a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without a thought, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed
the door, when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind
the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again.
He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve
in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the
front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window
and moved the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time right before a curve.

Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran
to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and
started telling everybody about the terrifying experience he had
just gone through.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant.
They were looking around for a table when one said to the other,
"Hey look, isn't that the jerk who got in our car when we were
pushing it?"

Joke - Smart Cat...

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him.
He grabbed the kitty and placed him in the car and drove him 20 blocks
from his home and left him at a local park.

He drove the 20 blocks back home. As he turned onto his street, the cat
was walking up his driveway!

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Nearing his home, the cat was in the driveway!

He kept taking the cat further and further away and the cat would always
beat him home!

At last he decided to drive many miles, making many turns, until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance to confuse the cat. Then he left the
cat there.

Hours later his wife received a phone call from the man,"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and
need directions!!!"

More Puns...

More Puns

* A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes in verse.
* In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
* She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A flat miner.
* When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
now fully recovered.
* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blown Apart.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.
* Marathon runners with bad footwear will
suffer the agony of defeat.
* Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

Joke - Golfing on Sunday...

Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. He went to the Associate
Pastor and explained he was feeling sick and convinced him to
preach the sermon for him that morning.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Reverend Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
He knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone - after all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to The Lord while
looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Reverend Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin
dropping just short of it, rolling up and falling into the hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!

Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Joke - Farmer Joe and Bessie...

Farmer Joe and Bessie

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine. '?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the... "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted," Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine .'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road... "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he
was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer,
"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule, Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her sounds.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie's groans so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his
gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you
feeling?'"

Joke - New Lease on Life...

New Lease on Life

During surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her
bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.

God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in
the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and
collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street,
and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in Heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.

"That’s true," says God.

"So what happened?"

God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Joke - Worst Day of His Life...

Worst Day of His Life

A fellow is sitting at a bar staring at his drink for about a half-hour. A big truck
driver sits on the stool next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another
drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life! First, I overslept and missed
an important meeting with my boss, and he fired me on the spot. Then, I left the
building and found my car was stolen! I caught a cab home, and wouldn't you know
it, I left my wallet in the cab! Finally, I got home to find a note that my wife had
left me."

"So I came to this bar."

"When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison... "

Joke - Three Wishes...

Three Wishes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up,
he pulls out the cork...

Sure enough, out pops a huge, blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing
me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want 1 billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly there is a flash of light, and a detailed list, with Swiss Bank account
numbers, appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari materializes right before
his eyes.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

Joke - Taking Care of Mama...

Taking Care Of Mama

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together,
they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have
to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely
use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

Joke - Great Sales Technique...

Great Sales Technique

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it! Fifty people swindled!! Fifty people swindled!!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
What he saw was yesterday's paper.

The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big
swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it!
Fifty-one people swindled!!"

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always
land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the
back of a cat and drop it?"
- Steven Wright
=)
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
- Steven Wright
=)
"I started out with nothing. I still have most of it."
- Michael Davis
=)
"People must think I am a very strange person. This is not correct.
I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."
- Stephen King
=)
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one
and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips
=)
"It is ludicrous to read the microwave directions on the
boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer:
'THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE.' Loosely translated,
this means, 'You're on your own, Bernice.'"
- Erma Bombeck
=)
"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
- Erma Bombeck
=)
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
- Erma Bombeck
=)
"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present
from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got
but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."
- Jeff Foxworthy
=)
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest,
most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to
the state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going,
'You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
- Jeff Foxworthy
=)
"A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
- Author Unknown
=)
"I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it."
- George Carlin
=)
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
- Woody Allen

Joke - Who Wants to be a Millionaire?...

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly she would win $1,000,000. If she
answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but
instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it... ?'

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her '50/50 Lifeline' and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'.

All that remained was her 'Phone-a-Friend Lifeline'.

She hoped she would not have to use it because... her friend was... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and
the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one
that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to
do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo.'"

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

"That answer is absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including
the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.
They live in clocks."

Sally fainted.

Joke - Paddy and Mick...

Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified
as unskilled labor, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

Joke - How is My Cat?...

How Is My Cat?

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's
care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.

"Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me like that!?!"

"How else should I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," explained the bachelor. "For
example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the
roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow
night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back,
but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the
third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my
cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply, "oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire
Department is getting her down."

Witty Quotes...

Witty Quotes

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
- Abraham Lincoln
=)
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard M. Nixon
=)
"I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time,
but you're twenty minutes."
- Oscar Wilde
=)
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit."
- William Shakespeare
=)
"The average person thinks he isn't."
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
=)
"A word to the wise ain't necessary,
it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
- Bill Cosby
=)
"The best way to save face is to keep the
bottom half shut."
- Author Unknown
=)
"Retirement must be wonderful. I mean,
you can suck in your stomach for only so long."
- Burt Reynolds
=)
"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I
couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more."
- Walter Matthau
=)
"If God wanted us to bend over He'd put diamonds
on the floor."
- Joan Rivers
=)
"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
=)
"Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
- A Proverb
=)
"A witty saying proves nothing."
- Voltaire