Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always
land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the
back of a cat and drop it?"
- Steven Wright
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"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
- Steven Wright
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"I started out with nothing. I still have most of it."
- Michael Davis
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"People must think I am a very strange person. This is not correct.
I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk."
- Stephen King
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"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one
and asked Him to forgive me."
- Emo Philips
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"It is ludicrous to read the microwave directions on the
boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer:
'THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE.' Loosely translated,
this means, 'You're on your own, Bernice.'"
- Erma Bombeck
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"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."
- Erma Bombeck
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"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
- Erma Bombeck
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"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present
from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got
but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."
- Jeff Foxworthy
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"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest,
most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to
the state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going,
'You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
- Jeff Foxworthy
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"A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
- Author Unknown
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"I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it."
- George Carlin
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"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
- Woody Allen