A Funny - Training a Cat...

Training a Cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat.

To my distress, he began to use our new sofa as

a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained"
our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited
him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly.

For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside,
he scratched the sofa!!

Joke - The Four Engineers...

 

The Four Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical
engineer and computer engineer were driving down the street
in the same car. The car broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end,
I don't think it's getting gas."

The electrical engineer proclaimed, "I think there was a spark
and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and asked, "What do
you think?"

The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and
get back in."

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Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day...

How Many Ducks?

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was

carrying a bag on his back.

"What's in the bag?" asked Paddy.

"I'm not going to tell," replied Murphy.

"Go on, do." pleaded Paddy.

"Ah, all right then, it's ducks." announced Murphy.

"If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will

 you give me one of them?" enquired Paddy.

"Look," said Murphy, "if you guess the correct number,

 I'll give you both of them."

"Five!" said Paddy triumphantly.

*****

Not Guilty

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank

 robbery.

After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and

 announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted O'Gara. "Does that mean I get to

 keep the money?"

Joke - Fairy Tale...

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince
that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so!"

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



Joke - Weeweechu...

Weeweechu

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love
you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me?!"

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year!"

Christmas Jokes...

Denominations


Maria went to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked Maria. 
"Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic, please."

Christmas Present


Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring
as her Christmas present.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, John, his
friend, com
mented, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, "But where on earth was
I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Blondes Tree Hunting


There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen
woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of sub-zero temperatures a few close calls
with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and
said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
care whether it's decorated or not!"

Joke - Santa is a Woman...

Santa Claus is a Woman

Santa Claus is a woman because:

 

1. The vast majorities of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a
last-minute shopping spree.
2. For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because
they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh.
3. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
4. For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays
in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
5. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
6. Men can't pack a bag.
7. Men would rather be dead than
caught wearing red velvet.
8. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
9. Men don't answer their mail.

10. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl-ful of jelly."
11. Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.

12. Finally, being responsible for

Christmas would require a
 commitment.

Joke - How To Cook a Christmas Turkey...

How To Cook a Christmas Turkey

Go buy a turkey.
Take a drink of whiskey.
Put turkey in the oven.
Take another two drinks of whiskey.
Set the degree at 350 ovens.
Take three more whiskeys of drink.
Turk the bastey.
Whiskey another bottle of get.
Ponder the meat thermometer.
Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Bake the whiskey for four hours.
Take the oven out of the turkey.
Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
Turk the carvey.
Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Tet the sable and pour another
glass of turkey.
Bless the dinner and pass out.

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Joke - Bass Boat...

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

 

Joke - Who Is It?...

Who Is It?

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived,
the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.

"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"

The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up.
"I don't know. Who was it?"

The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"

The Englishman thought the riddle was hilarious. He decided he
would ask his friends the same riddle when he flew home the
next day.

He met them at the airport and asked, "My mom and dad had a
baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up.

So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York!"

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever...

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd have thought at least one of

them would had seen it....

 

Joke - 21st Birthdays...

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

 

Burial at Sea


Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."



Joke - Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created...

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 

  9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote. 

  8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve
to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to
put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
child-bearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles
on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Elderly Humor...

Elderly Humor

Advice to an Elderly Fellow

An elderly fellow (not in the best shape) was working out
at the gym when he spotted a sweet, young thing.

He asked his nearby trainer, "What machine in here should
I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

His trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby."

***

Games For Our Golden Years

Sag, You're It!
Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick The Bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over

Simon Says Something Incoherent

Hide And Go Pee

Spin The Bottle of Mylanta

Musical Recliners

***

Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and
1983....