Joke - Visiting the Zoo...

Visiting the Zoo

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went
to the zoo for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough,
they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a
commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for
questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names
and explain what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I
was just throwing peanuts into the cage"

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was
throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and
said:

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts... "

Joke - My Father Wouldn't Like It...

My Father Wouldn't Like It

A clergyman is walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You
look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and
I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man, "my father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister replied. "Everyone is entitled to a break.
Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a
real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him
a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the hay."

Joke - Official Language of the European Union...

Official Language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby

English will be the official language of the European Union rather

than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a

5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will

make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in

favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have

one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like

fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted

to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have

always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is

disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"

with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining

"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in

ze forst plas.

A Funny - How to Mess Up a Job Interview...

How to Mess Up a Job Interview

Top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were

surveyed and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The low-lights were:

* "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

* "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music

at the same time."

* "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office

a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

* "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive

was qualified to judge the candidate."

* "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger

and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup

on her sleeve."

* "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by

having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

* "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific

interview questions."

* "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap

dancing around my office."

* "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went

through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

* "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.

Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

* "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

* "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a

copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest

at the centerfold."

* "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's

brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to

leave for another interview."

* "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife.

His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do

I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in

conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as

long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there

was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

* "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled,

revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

* "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment

office needed proof that he was looking for one."

* "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.

When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted

my phone number. I called security."

* "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he

was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why

he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then

reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured,

but I did need to get a new desk."

A Funny - New Definitions...

New Definitions

Read slowly...

arbitrator:

a cook that leaves Arby's to

work at McDonald's

avoidable:

a bullfighter tries to do this

Bernadette:

the act of torching a mortgage

burglarize:

a crook sees with these

control:

a short, ugly inmate

counterfeiters:

workers who put together

kitchen cabinets

eclipse:

an English barber does

this for a living

eyedropper:

a clumsy ophthalmologist

heroes:

a guy does this in a boat

left bank:

the robber did this when his

bag was full of money

paradox:

two physicians

parasites:

you see these from the top

of the Eiffel Tower

pharmacist:

a helper on the farm

polarize:

penguins see with these

primate:

to remove your spouse from

in front of the TV

relief:

trees do this in the Spring

rubberneck:

you do this to relax your wife

selfish:

what the owner of a seafood

store does

Sudafed:

brought litigation against a

government official

Joke - The Blonde Pilot...

The Blonde Pilot

A blonde went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn

to fly that day.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her

on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics, and

 sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it!

The view is so beautiful and I'm starting to get the hang of this!"

After 2000 feet, she radioed again saying how easy it was becoming.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet and was beginning to

worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a

mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what

happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got

higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned

off the big fan."

Over a Century Ago...

Over A Century Ago

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:

- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

- Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

- A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

- There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.

- The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more

heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million

residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in

the Union.

- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

- The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average

U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent

accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500

per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,

and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

- More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

- Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education.

Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were

condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the

country for any reason.

- The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis

3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

- The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,

Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!

- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

- There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

- Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

- Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.

- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter

at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears

the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach

and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

- Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one

full-time servant or domestic.

- There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

A Funny - Woman's Week at the Gym...

Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape (since being a high school

football cheerleader 43 years ago), I decided it would be a

good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress:

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but

found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club

to find Christo waiting for me. He is somewhat of a Greek

god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling, white

smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo game me a tour and shoed me the machines. I

enjoyed watching the skillful he conducted his aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo encouraged me as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron

bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. GREAT! It's a whole,

new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-

brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth

over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving

was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky

for early morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally

whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me

on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a

machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape

and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday

Meanie was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me

that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not

looking, I ran and his in the restroom. He sent some skinny

witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which

I sank.

Friday

I hate that jerk Christo more than any human has ever hated

any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a

part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I

would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want any dents in the floor, don't

hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than

a sandwich.

Saturday

The evil one left a message on my answering machine in his

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with

my planner; however, I lacked the strength to use the TV

remote and caught eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can thank God that this week is over. I will also pray next year

my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root

canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to

bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Joke - Ooops...

Ooops

A man joined a big, multi-national company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone,

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed

the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"I'm the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to,

you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank goodness!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Joke - Necktie...

Necktie


A man on his camel rode through countless miles of a sun-drenched desert
searching for some sign of life. They became extremely thirsty and tired.

The man's supplies were running low when the camel died. Now on foot, he
desperately sought refuge from the heat, and most importantly, for a source
of water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

"Thank goodness I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire
need of some water!!"

"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy
one of these fine neckties?"

"What in the world am I going to do with a necktie?" the man asked.

"That's what I'm selling, sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each
minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.

Noticing a building in the distance, he squinted several times to clear his eyes.
It was a restaurant! Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle
of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it
out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth was gaped in amazement.

"Relief at last. I will finally get my drink!" he thought as he dragged himself
to the front door of the restaurant.

The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said,
"But you can't come in without a necktie!"

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
* Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
* You paint your car with house paint.
* Stealing road signs is a family outing.
* Fancy eating-out involves drivin' to the next window.
* You have ever financed a tattoo.
* Your side-by-side refrigerator consist of two Igloo coolers.
* Your child's first pet was a chicken.
* You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
* You have more guns than teeth.
* Your baby's first words were "Attention, KMart shoppers".
* You use your belt buckle as identification.
* Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* You've ever used your fishing license as a form of identification.
* You missed your graduation because your kids were sick.
* You refer to fifth grade as "my senior year".
* Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor.
* You mow your lawn and find three junk cars under the weeds.
* Your youngest kid calls you "Uncle Daddy".
* Your church cancels services when deer hunting season opens.
* You trace your family tree and find that somehow
you are your own grandpa.
* You own 5 cars, but only one of them runs.
* Your cousin buys a new house and you have to go help
take the wheels off of it.

Cartoons...

This is the last installment of the Christian cartoons I have gathered
from Revererendfun.com. I may post more in the future. I hope you
are having a nice weekend, wherever you are =)! Hugs, Val xox


Christian Cartoons

Cartoons...

These cartoons can be found at Reverendfun.com.
I hope you are enjoying these! Hugs, Val =)

Christian Cartoons

Cartoons...

These cartoons can be found at Reverendfun.com. Pay them
a visit! You can sign up to receive their cartoons by email!
I hope everyone is having a nice weekend! Hugs, Val =)

Christian Cartoons

Cartoons...

These cartoons can be found on Reverdfun.com.
Pay them a visit! Have a nice weekend!
Hugs, Val =)


Christian Cartoons

Cartoons...

I stumbled across a Christian cartoon site that I find quite funny. I will be posting cartoons
from Reverendfun over the next three Saturdays. If you enjoy these cartoons, pay the site
a visit! You can even receive the cartoons by email subscription! I hope everyone is having
a nice Saturday! Enjoy!! Val =)


Christian Cartoons