A Funny - Woman's Week at the Gym...

Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape (since being a high school

football cheerleader 43 years ago), I decided it would be a

good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress:

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but

found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club

to find Christo waiting for me. He is somewhat of a Greek

god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling, white

smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo game me a tour and shoed me the machines. I

enjoyed watching the skillful he conducted his aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo encouraged me as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron

bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. GREAT! It's a whole,

new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-

brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth

over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving

was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky

for early morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally

whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me

on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a

machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape

and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday

Meanie was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me

that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not

looking, I ran and his in the restroom. He sent some skinny

witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which

I sank.

Friday

I hate that jerk Christo more than any human has ever hated

any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a

part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I

would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want any dents in the floor, don't

hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than

a sandwich.

Saturday

The evil one left a message on my answering machine in his

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with

my planner; however, I lacked the strength to use the TV

remote and caught eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can thank God that this week is over. I will also pray next year

my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root

canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to

bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!