Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

 

"Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?"

- Author Unknown

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can
get shot while getting shot... "

- Chris Rock

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J. D. Salinger

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

- Peter Vries

"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so
he can tell when he's really in trouble."

- Justine Vogt

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown tie."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

- Jay Leno

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

- Will Rogers

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up Button."

- Sam Levenson

 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
- Lenny Bruce

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we
had our own coroner. We used to write essays like:
What I’m going to be if I grow up.”
- Lenny Bruce

"The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can
do that dramatic removal."
- Jim Gaffigan

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Steven Wright

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon,
and some days you are the statue."
- David Brent

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.
You can't do any business from there."
- Colonel Sanders

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes


"Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver."
- William James

"Some people are like Slinkies...
not really good for anything, but you can't help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown

"Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'If an emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?"
- Author Unknown

"There has been much tragedy in my life;
at least half of it actually happened."
- Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for
most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."
- Author Unknown

"Pay no attention to what the critics say;
no statue has ever been erected to a critic."
- Jean Sibelius

"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
- Bob Monkhouse

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Author Unknown

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom


 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I recorded a song called 'I Fall to Pieces', and I

was in a car wreck. Now I'm really worried because I

have a brand-new record, and it's called 'Crazy'."

- Patsy Cline

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

- Steven Wright

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said

'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw

a sign that said 'compact cars'."

- Steven Wright

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,

'There's water in the carburetor.' I said,

'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'"

- Henny Youngman

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the

cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

- Lenny Bruce

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are

like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone."

- Lenny Bruce

"If it can't be fixed with duct tape or WD-40,

it's a female problem."

- Jason Love

"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father

was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."

- Jim Gaffigan

"I was watching the Animal Planet.

Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby?

Why don't they just call that one the female?"

- Jim Gaffigan

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is

a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud."

- Carl Sandburg

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes...

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"Teflon brain - nothing sticks."

"We are all in this together, by ourselves."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst
those in touch with it."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak
may be thinking up something else."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

"Man invented language to satisfy
his deep need to complain."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific."

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."

"After all, in private, we're all misfits."

Funny Quotes...

More Funny Quotes from Reader's Digest

These can be found at Reader's Digest online.

"I think the Discovery Channel should be on a

different channel every day."

- Craig Sharf

"My friend is a procrastinator.

He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th."

- Craig Sharf

"The meek shall inherit the earth...

if it's okay with the rest of you."

- Don Ainey

"Apéritif: French for 'a set of dentures'."

- Author Unknown

"I already regret my choice of Juilliard

to win the NCAA."

- Shap Sweeney

"Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums.

They get killed on the road."

- Richard Klimkiewicz

"My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he

can take, but he can't get them out of the bottle."

- Brian Kiley

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone."

- Stewart Francis

"It's always weird to meet your stunt double.

It's like looking into a mirror where the other

you took care of yourself."

- Actor/Comic Brian Posehn

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic,

insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to

decide if there really was a dog!"

- Jack Gray

"What does zero say to eight? 'Nice belt'"

- Traci Ohren

"Did you hear about the self-help group for

compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon."

- Sally Davis

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy."

- Savanna Smith

Funny Quotes...

10 Best One-Liners

These were taken from Reader's Digest Online:

"Just between you and me, I think 'everything bagels'

are making a lot of promises they can't keep."

- Author Unknown

"I'm coming out with a condensed phone book.

It has only one number in it: 411."

- Craig Sharf

"If the customer is always right,

then why isn't everything free?"

- Myq Kaplan

"When someone tells you that something defies description,

you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway."

- Clyde B. Aster

"Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell

them to who can't keep them."

- Anthony Haden-Guest

"I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations.

What do their screen savers look like?"

- Derick Lengwenus

"If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated,

why are they still working in a poster factory?"

- Jody Rohlena

"I don't know how to speed read. Instead,

I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward."

- Craig Sharf

"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes

doing nothing quite respectable."

- Paul Dean

"I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny - He took my wallet,

my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear."

- Craig Baldo