Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line
up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to tallest.
What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson
=)
"My school was so tough the school newspaper
had an obituary section."
- Norm Crosby
=)
Kid to his Dad as they watch TV:
"Dad, tell me again how when you were my age you had to
walk all the way across the room to change a channel."
- Author Unknown
=)
"Seeing a murder on television can help work off
one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms,
the commercials will give you some."
- Alfred Hitchcock
=)
"The only way to make your PC go faster
is to throw it out a window."
- Robert Paul
=)
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
- Pablo Picasso
=)
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science,
the one that heralds the most discoveries,
is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny... '"
- Isaac Asimov
=)
"I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me
than a full frontal lobotomy."
- Fred Allen
=)
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
- Rita Rudner
=)
"You know you're getting fat when you can pinch
an inch on your forehead."
- John Mendoza
=)
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory
goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
- Sir Norman Wisdom
=)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak
for a year and a half."
- Gracie Allen
=)
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield
=)
"Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch
with your children."
- J. Paul Getty
=)
"Income tax has made more liars out of the
American people than golf."
- Will Rogers
=)
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman
=)
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees,
then names the streets after them."
- Bill Vaughan
=)
"One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule,
and on every side of a fool."
- Edgar Watson Howe
=)
"I gave my cat a bath the other day... they love it.
He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me.
The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that... "
- Steve Martin
=)
"I took a test in Existentialism.
I left all the answers blank and got 100."
- Woody Allen
=)
"Middle age is when your age starts to show
around your middle."
- Bob Hope
=)
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
- Whitney Brown
=)
"I got a lotta best friends.
Some o' them I don't even hardly know!"
- Archie Bunker, All In The Family
=)
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full,
and scratch where it itches."
- Wallis Warfield Simpson, Duchess of Windsor,
when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel,
and a comedy for those who think."
- Jean De La Bruyre
<>
"When we talk to God, we're praying.
When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic."
- Jane Wagner
<>
"Some people are like Slinkies -
not really good for anything, but you still can't help
but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown
<>
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there
to appreciate it."
- Franklin P. Jones
<>
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
when you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein
<>
"Always get married early in the morning. That way,
if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
- Mickey Rooney
<>
"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase
<>
"Swearing was invented as a compromise between
running away and fighting."
- Finley Peter Dunne
<>
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller
<>
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age."
- Lucille Ball
<>
"Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having
a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone."
- Jim Fiebig
<>
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
- Don Kardong

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest,
the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand
and a club in the other."
- Josh Billings
=)
"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."
- Benjamin Franklin
=)
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."
- Benjamin Franklin
=)
"I am at two with nature."
- Woody Allen
=)
"There's a fine line between fishing and just
standing on the shore like an idiot."
- Steven Wright
=)
"I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped.
I said, 'No thanks - I'm not going that far.'"
- Steven Wright
=)
"I do not like work, even when somebody else is doing it."
- Mark Twain
=)
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
- Jimmy Carter
=)
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said, 'Are you going to help?'
I said, 'No, six should be enough.'"
- Les Dawson
=)
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid.
One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up,
a blind man was reading my face."
- Rodney Dangerfield
=)
"Tell your boss what you really think about him
and the truth shall set you free."
- Patrick Murray
=)
"Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is
less boring and because it has fresh peaches in it."
- Thomas Walker

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or the cook."
- Harry Oliver

"Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long
as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants."
- Walter Winchell

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
- Sarah Brown

"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
- Billy Connolly

"Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing
unless you act upon it."
- Author Unknown

"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one
takes the judge to lunch."
- Author Unknown

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?'
Well, I was an accountant."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we
don't know where the he** she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman

"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin

Fun and Funny Movie and Film Quotes...

Fun and Funny Movie and Film Quotes

"There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who
knows how to fly a plane?"
- From "Airplane!"
<>~<>~<>
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay
for an honest day's work."
- Steve Martin, "Bilko"
<>~<>~<>
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a
schizophrenic and so am I."
- Bill Murray, "What about Bob"
<>~<>~<>
"I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."
- Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner),
"Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
<>~<>~<>
"The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end.
But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of
cutting down on your expenses."
- Boris Grushenko (Woody Allen), "Love and Death"
<>~<>~<>
"One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I don't know."
- Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"
<>~<>~<>
"When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to
look at my face. That's the price she has to pay."
- Groucho Marx, "Night at the Opera"
<>~<>~<>
"If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!"
- Jim Carrey, "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective"
<>~<>~<>
"I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have."
- Arthur (Dudley Moore), "Arthur"
<>~<>~<>
"Name's Barf. I'm a Mog, half man half dog.
I'm my own best friend."
- From "Spaceballs"
<>~<>~<>
Scarecrow (Ray Bolger):
"I haven't got a brain... only straw."
Dorothy (Judy Garland):
"How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?"
Scarecrow:
"I don't know... But some people without brains
do an awful lot of talking... don't they?"
Dorothy:
"Yes, I guess you're right."
- From "Wizard of Oz"
<>~<>~<>
"If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script,
and they pay me enough, I'll do it."
- George Burns
<>~<>~<>
"I steal from every movie ever made."
- Quentin Tarantino

Do you have a favorite?

Would you like to add one?

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain
~
"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean
they're not out to get you."
- Colin Sautar
~
"Life's tough... It's even tougher if you're stupid."
- John Wayne
~
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when
first we practice to weave."
- Mignon McLaughlin
~
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women
really suit each other. Perhaps they should live
next-door and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn
~
"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will
be sober and you will still be ugly."
- Winston Churchill
~
"Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing
the matter with this, except that it ain't so."
- Mark Twain
~
"The reports of my death were greatly exaggerated."
- Mark Twain
~
"I never loved another person the way I loved myself."
- Mae West
~
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
~
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on
a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
~
"To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
When you're wrong, admit it,
When you're right, shut up."
- Ogden Nash

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday."
- Rodney Dangerfield
~
"Once you can accept the universe as matter
expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein
~
"The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
~
"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two..."
- Sir Norman Wisdom
~
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking,
but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely
beautiful when her lips are closed."
- Author Unknown
~
"I want a man who's kind and understanding.
Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
~
"Summer is the season when a man thinks
he can cook better on an outdoor grill than
his wife can on an indoor stove."
- Author Unknown
~
"The depressing thing about tennis is
that no matter how good I get,
I'll never be as good as a wall."
- Mitch Hedberg
~
"There are three kinds of people -
those who can count and those who can't."
- Author Unknown
~
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
Oh man... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lyndon B. Johnson

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

"It's better to beautiful than to be good, but it is
better to be good than to be ugly."
- Oscar Wilde
~
"I have met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time,
but you're twenty minutes."
-Oscar Wilde
~
"I speak two languages, Body and English."
- Mae West
~
"When choosing between two evils, I always like
to try the one I've never tried before."
- Mae West
~
"There's no half-singing in the shower. You're
either a rock star or an opera diva."
- Josh Groban
~
"I know that you believe you understand what
you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that
what you heard is not what I meant."
- Robert McCloskey
~
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize
them, you are a mile away from them and
you have their shoes."
- Jack Handey
~
"if we're not supposed to eat animals,
how come they're made out of meat?"
- Tom Snyder
~
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things.
The glass is always half empty. And cracked.
And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth."
- Janeane Garofalo
~
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my
Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me
is another matter."
- Winston Churchill
~
"A line is a dot that went for a walk."
- Paul Klee

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes by Famous People

"Be thankful we're not getting all the
government we're paying for."
- Will Rogers
~
"I can't understand why I flunked American history.
When I was a kid there was so little of it."
- George Burns
~
"The simplest toy, one that even the youngest child
can operate, is called a grandparent."
- Sam Levenson
~
"I don't care what is written about me
as long as it isn't true."
- Katherine Hepburn
~
"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."
- Lily Tomlin
~
"More than ever before, Americans are
suffering from back problems - back taxes,
back rent, back auto payments."
- Robert Orben
~
"You can make a lot of money in this game.
Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich
that neither of their husbands work."
- Lee Trevino
~
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher."
- Socrates
~
"The person who writes for fools is always
sure of a large audience."
- Arthur Schopenhauer
~
"Drawing on my fine command of
the language, I said nothing."
- Robert Benchley
~
"Coffee isn't my cup of tea."
- Samuel Goldwyn
~
"I failed to make the chess team
because of my height."
- Woody Allen
~
"At my age, flowers scare me."
- George Burns

Short, Funny Quotes...

Short, Funny Quotes

"People who say they sleep like a baby
usually don't have one."
- Leo J. Burke
~
"I am fond of children - except boys."
- Lewis Carroll
~
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick."
- George Burns
~
"I can resist everything except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde
~
"We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it
had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
~
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately
it kills all its pupils."
- Louis Hector Berlioz
~
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring
you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan
~
"No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly
admire the problem."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
~
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll
just have to be a horrible warning."
- Catherine Aird
~
"Committee - a group of men who keep
minutes and waste hours."
- Milton Berle
~
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound
they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adam
~
"If I were invited to a dinner party with
my characters, I wouldn’t show up."
- Dr Seuss

Fun Halloween Quotes!...

Fun Halloween Quotes

"Halloween was confusing.
All my life my parents said, 'Never take
candy from strangers.' And then they dressed
me up and said, 'Go beg for it.' I didn’t know
what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and
go, 'Trick or treat.' 'No thank you.'"
- Rita Rudner

"Ghosts, like ladies, never speak
till spoke to."
- Richard Harris Barham

"This Halloween the most popular
mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask.
And the best part? With a mouth full of
candy you will sound just like him."
- Conan O'Brien

"There are nights when the wolves are
silent and only the moon howls."
- George Carlin

"Everyone is a moon and has a dark side,
which he never shows to anybody."
- Mark Twain

"I see my face in the mirror
and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume?
That's what they think of me?'"
- Drew Carey

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't
know who you are on Halloween."
- Erma Bombeck

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"There are three faithful friends - an old wife,
an old dog, and ready money."
- Benjamin Franklin

"I can resist everything except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since
I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it.
And I'm President of the United States
and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
- George Bush

"Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children,
sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd

"One has fear in front of a goat, in back
of a mule, and on every side of a fool."
- Watson Howe

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot."
- Author Unknown

Which quote above is your favorite? Do you
know any other funny/interesting quotes?
Put in comments section or email! Thanks

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"If you love your job, you haven't
worked a day in your life."
- Tommy Lasorda

"I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce,
I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so
again, are thunder and lightning."
- Author Unknown

"Men marry women with the hope
they will never change. Women marry
men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed."
- Albert Einstein

"To cease smoking is the
easiest thing. I ought to know.
I've done it a thousand times."
- Mark Twain

"I can resist everything
except temptation."
- Oscar Wilde

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals."
- Winston Churchill

Do you have a favorite?

funny quotes...

Funny Quotes

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time
I get a divorce, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my
Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming,
like the passengers in his car."
- Author Unknown

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
- Clifton Fadiman

"Middle age is when your age starts
to show around your middle."
- Bob Hope

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human
stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the
stupid ones that need the advice."
- Bill Cosby

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"A perfect parent is a person with
excellent child-raising
theories and no actual children."
- Dave Barry

"Some people are wise,
others are... otherwise"
- author unknown

"Give a cat a fish and you will feed her
for a day. Teach a cat to fish and she will
wait for you to feed her."
- HBS

"My greatest enemy is reality. I have
fought it successfully for thirty years."
- Margaret Anderson

"You will do foolish things,
but do them with enthusiasm."
- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

"Happiness is nothing more than
good health and a bad memory."
- Albert Schweitzer

Fun Quotes!...

Quotes on Humor, Fun Quotes

"Without a strong sense of humour, we might
as well all become accountants, remedial algebra
teachers and telephone sanitizers."
- Tom Knapp

"You are not angry with people when you laugh
at them. Humor teaches them tolerance."
- William Somerset Maugham

"Everybody's always drumming on
about the future but I'm not letting it
interfere with my laughs."
- John Lennon

"If you can't laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people."
- Bobby Slayton

"You can turn painful situations around through
laughter. If you can find humor in
anything -- even poverty -- you can survive it."
- Bill Cosby

"The most wasted of all days
is one without laughter."
- E. E. Cummings

"I want to touch the heart of
the world and make it smile."
- Charles de Lint

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"I used to have Mad Cow's disease,
but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
- Billy Connolly

"Every fight is a food fight
when you're a cannibal."
- Demetri Martin

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always
was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought
the dog was telling me to kill my father."
- Wendy Leibman

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank
is bad, but when I went in the other day
and asked the clerk to check my balance...
she leaned over and pushed me."
- author unknown

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an
operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
- Henny Youngman

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile
in his shoes. After that, who cares?...
He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."
- Billy Connolly

Funny Quotes...

Funny Quotes

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who
stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
- author unknown

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
- Oscar Levant

"People always ask me 'Were you funny as a
child?' Well, I was an accountant."
- Ellen Degeneres

"I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx

"Foot: A special device for
finding furniture in the dark."
- author unknown

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle
of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just
stares at you. But you do the same thing on an
aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
- Tommy Cooper

Humorous Quotes and Quotes on Humor...

Humorous Quotes and Quotes on Humor

"I'm outrageously happy in my stupidity!
Don't tell me... I don't want to know... "
- Snoopy
--
"The person who knows how to laugh at himself
will never cease to be amused."
- Shirley Maclaine
--
"The one serious conviction that a man should have
is that nothing is to be taken too seriously."
- Nicholas Murray Butler
--
"There's so much comedy on television.
Does that cause comedy in the streets?"
- Dick Cavett
--
"My life has no purpose, no direction,
no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy.
I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?"
- Charles M. Schulz
--
"Humor is one of the most serious tools we have
for dealing with impossible situations."
- Erica Jong